Live "Frei" or Die!

A Field Guide to Non-Orthodox Jews -- for the Orthodox

2010-10-29T12:26:00.003-04:00

In response to the recent publication of some offensive kiruv-schlock that attempts to explain Orthodox Judaism to non-Orthodox Jews , I have decided to write my own book on a related topic because I believe that a distressingly large percentage of the Orthodox community has a bizarre and misleading image of the non-Orthodox Jewish community. If you would believe this "Rabbi Baum," who wrote the kiruv junk referenced above, you would think that non-Orthodox Jews were all a bunch of pork-eating sex-crazed hedonists who spend every Shabbos going to the mall for shopping and finding the object of their Saturday night lust, whether someone of the opposite gender, someone of the same gender, or even a household pet! There's also the belief that the non-Orthodox Jews are all lonely, depressed, and otherwise miserable because they do not submit to Da'as Torah. (Of course, many Orthodox Jews do not hold by Da'as Torah, but they seem to be a beleaguered and rapidly shrinking community.) And, of course, all too many Orthodox Jews believe that non-Orthodox Judaism will disappear anyway, because its practitioners are too busy having sexual relations with people of the same gender or household pets to actually breed, and even if some random non-Orthodox couple manages to produce a halachically Jewish child, that child will grow up to become a celibate Buddhist monk or something.

Alas, for these triumphalists in the orthodox world, the reality of the non-Orthodox Jews world is much more complex. But the bottom line is that the vast majority of us non-Orthodox Jews are quite happy with our beliefs and lifestyle choices, even the the Orthodox believe them to be kefirah, and we really wish you would leave us alone and lay off the kiruv. I mean, we don't invite you over to our homes in the hope that you'll go off the derech, eat pork, and have sex with Fido or Mr. Whiskers, so why the expectation that we non-Orthodox should drop our professions, learn arcane religious texts full-time and do whatever your cult leaders, I mean "gedolim," tell us to do?

Anyway, without further ado, here is an outline of my book, which will appear in installments whenever I am motivated enough to write a chapter.

PART 1: What We Believe
Chapter 1: Why?
Chapter 2: What Really happened at Sinai?
Chapter 3: Free Will and the Meaning of Life
Chapter 4: What, exactly, is the Torah?
Chapter 5: Reward, Punishment, and why good things happen to bad people
PART 2: How Non_Orthodox Jews relate to one another
Chapter 6:Integrity and interpersonal relationships
Chapter 7: Men and Women
Chapter 8: Truth, "Morality" and ethics
Chapter 9: Sex
Chapter 10: Goyim and Orthodox Jews
Chapter 11: The State of Israel
PART 3: Identifying the non-Orthodox tribes
Chapter 12: More secular than Stalin
Chapter 13: Reform
Chapter 14:Conservative
Chapter 15: Reconstructionist
Chapter 16: Renewal
Chapter 17: None of the above & all of the above
APPENDIX: Illustrations of members of the various tribes
SPECIAL APPENDIX: The Yom Kippur Cookbook

Wherein I fisk the Bray of Fundy fisking some Reform rabbi

2009-08-17T10:50:00.004-04:00

Now while I'm not a big fan of most non-Orthodox rabbis, believing them to be overly pompous and self-important, I'm, fo course, also not a fan of Orthodox rabbis, believing them to see nonsense as being self-evident. Then there's the Bray of Fundy, who has started his own blog, and witha great feeling of ahavat Yosrael, decided to kick a Reform rabbi in the teeth just when the reform rabbi was starting to get too traditionalist. After all, we can't let those evil Reform rabbis use any of their own traidtion, can we?

Anyway, the Bray, as usual, fell a bit short of his mark, and I may well, too in pointing out his misses, but if you donit try, you'll never succeed.

So without further ado, he-e-e-e-re's the Bray! (R' Washovky's original is in blue italics)

The July 31 edition of the Forward published an op-ed piece by Rabbi Mark Washovsky in which he claims that liberal Jews have been more observant of Tisha B'Av of late and in which he explains why Liberal Jews ought to observe Tisha B'Av. He is a professor of Jewish law and practice at the Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion in Cincinnati. He chairs the Responsa Committee of the Central Conference of American Rabbis. My fisking of selected passages follows:

There are some good reasons why many religiously liberal, non-Orthodox Jews choose not to observe Tisha B’Av:
Forgive my ignorance. I'd always thought that Reform Judaism chose not to observe unless there are compelling reasons TO observe.

Lashon hara, lamed heh! We will listen anyway!

Your ignorance is forgiven. Where did you ever hear that the default in Reform Judaism was to do nothing? That seems a little illogical, as no religious insitution would be foolish enough to go that far.

We do not yearn for the restoration of animal sacrifice to our worship of God.
Say better. Say that you are deeply ashamed that this was ever part of your religion and so, of course, you'd be revolted to see it's re-institution.

Ooooh, projection, projection! Any other great insights you ant to reveal to us, Dr. Freud? Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and maybe in this case the reform don't yearn for a reinstitution of animal sacrifice any more than chazal did when they somehow neglected to restart the Temple service in temporary quarters after the Destruction. After all, there's nothing in the Torah that says the sacrifices had to be done in Jerusalem. In fact, they did them for 40 years in the Sinai and Transjordan, and then for many years in Shiloh after the Jews entered the Promised land. Chazal could have set up a mishkan in Shiloh or Yavneh, or wherever, but they didn't. Maybe the Reform are closer to Chazal than you care to admit.

The amazing mixed marriage of over-the-top hubris and abysmal ignorance, while par for the Reform course, never loses it's capacity to take ones breath away. This attitude is informed by an understanding of qorbonos=sacrifices as being cruel to animals, bribery to a bloodthirsty G-d, a form of buying indulgences and that reduces Judaisms holiest shrine to a foul abattoir.

I would guess it has to do with a perfectly rational distaste for the exaltation of the ritual over the ethical. The presence of the Temple cult and Davidic monarchy didn't do much to prevent the sins of the Jewish people and the destruction of the Temple by God Him or Herself.

It is an attitude completely ignorant of what the Ramban and a host of Rishonim and Akhronim had to say on the topic. The Ramban's critiqued of the Rambam's explanation for the purpose of the Mitzvos of Qorbonos in Moreh as עשה שלחן ה' מגואל="he has made the L-rd's table repulsive". I wonder what he'd have to say about the smug attitude of these ignoramii.

So you mean the Reform share the attitudes of the Rambam, then? Was the Rambam a smug ignoramus just because the Ramban didn't agree with him?

so it seems strange to take part in that day’s mourning for the First and Second Temples, both of which are said to have been destroyed on the ninth day of the month of Av.
Let's not allow for the historicity of Jewish observance. I mean given Judaism track record on history and science is there any reason to presume that the Temples were ACTUALLY destroyed on the ninth day of the month of Av? Haven't I heard this attitude somewhere before? Hmmmmmmmmmm????

There's a difference between the "historicity of Jewish observance" and the historicity of the events the the Jews commemorate.

Nor do we particularly identify with the day’s dominant theological message, namely that we are responsible for the catastrophe, that God permitted our enemies to lay waste to the land and our people as an act of judgment of our sins.
I beg your pardon. While it is true that this is a message of the day and the Kinnos, It is hardly the dominant message. When sitting shiva one does not ponder the fact that , undoubtedly, it was the sins of the deceased that caused his/her death. OTC we lick our wounds and bewail the deceased and all that we miss about him /her. THAT is the dominant theme of Tisha B'Av. It is NOT about assigning blame but about feeling loss, alienation and pain.

So you believe that people die becuase of their sins? Um, we all have a one-way ticket to the grave no matter how righteous we are. And, yes, we're all sinners. But to say that we die becuase we sin contains such a basic fallacy in logical argumentation that I'm surprised I have to point it out. And bringing up the example of the shiva is not a good idea for your point, anyway. Becuase in a shiva, not only do we lick our wounds and bewail the dead, we feed our faces. Which you're not supposed to do on Tisha B'av. last time I checked. Which is evidence that supports the idea that Tisha B'av has a different purpose than sitting shiva. Like maybe put us on a guilt trip about how, just like the ancients, our sins today will lead to national tragedy tomorrow.

We liberal Jews, of course, are not the only ones who find it difficult to swallow these themes. But for us, that difficulty lies at the very heart of our liberal religious identity. We are liberal Jews in large part because our modern sensibility recoils at this simplistic notion of guilt and punishment.
No. You recoil from the notion because YOU have rendered it simplistic. As if prior to the advent of "Liberal" Judaism no Jewish thinker ever grappled with the questions of theodicy or of apparent disproportionate punishment. Talk about a credible history deficiency. But you are right about one thing. A flight from responsibility and a shifting of the onus of Golus from man to G-d does indeed lie at the black heart of your liberal religious identity.

Boy, if there were an Olympic event in conclusion jumping, the Bray would get the gold. Washovsky is not saying that the Reform were the first or only Jews to have problems with theodicy. In fact, I would think that the history of Jews "grappling with questions of theodicy and apparent disproportionate punishment" might be used a evidence of the kashrut of the Reform Jewish attiude on this issue.

We cannot say with the traditional Siddur that “on account of our sins we were exiled from our land,”.
No? Why then IYO why were we exiled from our land?

That's easy, it was on account of the sins of our ancestors at that time.

To be more specific, in the case of the First Temple, it was becuase the Jewish King decided to double cross his Babylonian ally. Which was stupid, considering that Babylon was a far more powerful country than Judea. In the case of the Second Temple it was, if you believe the story of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza, becuase of Chazal's frumkeit. If they had just gone all Reform, and said who cares whether the animal is pasul, let's just sacrifice it and keep the Emperor happy, maybe we'd still have a Temple and not be in exile.

and we most definitely refuse to join those who apply such logic to rationalize the subsequent persecutions, pogroms and exterminations that darken the pages of our history.
When one zeros in on only one part of a multifaceted rationalization one inevitably distorts.

Huh? What does that mean? Do you work foir the government or something? That's some of the most impressive gobbledygook I;ve ever read!

Yet some of us liberal Jews insist upon observing Tisha B’Av. This is true even in my own Reform movement, where the holiday has made a rather impressive comeback in recent decades. Given all the above, what gives? How do we explain this apparent inconsistency?
The answer, perhaps, is that we have learned some valuable lessons during the two centuries of liberal Judaism’s existence.
We have learned, first of all, that there is no such thing as Judaism without the Jews and the historic experience of our people.
Close but no cigar. Say better, say as Saadiah Gaon said that there are no Jews/Jewish People without our Torah. Maybe you and your movement will catch on before the yikhus of every last one of you is diluted to the point of dissipation.

There's nothing in the Torah that commands observance of Tisha B'av. It's all made up by the rabbis.

>Our religious ideas, however high-minded, remain lifeless abstractions so long as they are divorced from the concrete experience of the Jewish people throughout the ages.
So let's join the idiots on the floor who actually pine for the return of the Holy abattoir because, after all, that's what Jews did for millenia. Maybe Liberal Jews ought to look into the reinstitution of outdoor plumbing and kerosene lighting as well. After all that would marry them to the "experience of the Jewish people throughout the ages".

I don't think they had kerosene lighting during most of the history of the Jewish people. Besides, as I recall Eicha, most of the mourning is over the death and desturction in gneral, not the fact that the kohanim are now unemployed. Washivksy might be a bit pompous here, but he is making the point that Reform Judaism is Judaism, not Ethical Culture.

< ...

But we have discovered that the struggle to find meaning in suffering, even in suffering that defies all attempts at rationalization, can be an uplifting thing.
When do you struggle for meaning? Before, during or after the kinnos? Why not share your findings with us? That would've been a lot more valuable than this inane op-ed piece.
We have learned to read the traditional liturgy of Tisha B’Av — the biblical book of Eicha (Lamentations), the day’s Torah readings, the kinot (dirges) — not as an effort to explain or to justify the destruction. Like saying that I read the cookbook not as an effort to produce fine cuisine but in order to....go on a diet? redouble our efforts to rid public schools of junk food snacks? Pass laws to outlaw trans-fats?

You see the Torah as a cookbook? Oy! And you think that someone should use a cookbook as a prooftext for advocaing food policy? Do you know anything about the content of cookbooks? Have you even cracked one open and read it a little? Maybe you should have run that passage by your wife before you posted it. And what's wrong with R' Washovky not anting to find justification of the destruction? Didn'y you yourself say earlier that Tosha B'av was like a shiva, where you don't intellectualize, but rather greive and remember? Of course, I pointed out the fallacy in that view, but if you insist on holding it, you might as well be consistent.

but as a call to respond to it by redoubling our commitment to search our souls, to purify our conduct and to renew our shaken-but-not-shattered faith in the ultimate triumph of good over evil.A) What manner of smugness has convinced you that non-Liberal Jews/branches of Judaism have not had THEIR faith in the ultimate triumph of good over evil shaken-but-not-shattered? B) Post Holocaust why has your , ahem, "faith" NOT been utterly shattered? Especially as, unsure of G-d's very existence, yours is a faith in man alone?

I don't see where R' Washovsky denies that the Orthodox haven't had their doubts, too. As for the Holocaust, we apikorsim actually don't have as much theologoical problems with it becuase we expect less from God.

This way of response permits us to acknowledge tragedy in all its darkness, but it forbids us to yield to a sense of helplessness and despair. Too bad. G-d helps those who are helpless themselves.

I'm not sure whether you're being dleiberately blockheaded or whether your community is so clueless that you refuse to do what is needed to help yourself.

And that’s why some of us liberal Jews will be in shul this Tisha B’Av. Shul? As you see no need for the rebuilding of a Temple in Jerusalem I'd always thought you referred to your theatres for performance art as temples

Reform aren't mourning the loss of the Holy Barbecue, thy're mourning the death and destruction. As for the "performance art," maybe you need to llo and see what goes on at your average O shul before you get too critical. Besides, you on;'t know what goes on inside the heads of the Reform worshipers, They could find the ritual spiritually uplifting, just the way the guys in the row behind me at the Orthodox shteeble find talking about baseball and the stock market during the amidah to be spiritually uplifting.

May God comfort us all among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem. Amen. Unfortunately you don't mourn for Zion and Jerusalem. After all THAT would equate to surrendering to hopelessness and despair. Instead you mourn Utopia and Robert F. Kennedy.

Huh? Do you really think that mourning is all about hoplessness and depair? Talk abour "performance art!" I'd sure hate to ever come to your shiva house. When I have one, while we're sad, we are a wee bit more optomistic about the prospects for the future than you imply you are.

Qedusha-Havdala....have you had yours today?

Qedusha? We don't need no steenkin' Qedusha! (or even "kedushah")

My Shavuot Revelation

2009-05-31T12:15:00.004-04:00

So here I am, erev Shavuot, I go to the lunch buffet around the corner from my office and fill up on treif: shrimp salad, roasted pork loin, barbecue pork ribs. Just a little taste, but I knew I had a 2 day dose of religion facing me.

Well, about quitting time. my tummy began to feel queasy. This feeling intensified on the commute home, and then the Ms. and I rushed around making dinner, which didn't make me feel any better. I don't think the rum punch I had before dinner, or the glass of chablis helped, either. Anyway, by the time we got to shul for the tikum leayl shavuot, I was zonked and not feeling too good.

As you might guess, B'nai CA doesn't make you stay up all night, but by the time the first lecture was over it was 10:30, and I had been up since 4 that morning. So they put out the cheesecake, and, of course, I had some, which helped a little, but not much. It didn't help that the rabbi's lecture was total boredom, nonsense pilpul that attempted to teach a totally different message than the plain text of the Torah. So between by indigestion and fatigue (not themtion the uncomfortable chairs), I was starting to doze off.

As I entered the twilight realm between the rabbis droning and blissful sleep, I noticed the background getting sapphire blue. Oh crap, I thought, it wasn't enough that I had to stand at Sinai 3,000 years ago, I'm going to have to get my own personal revelation tonight, when I'm really not in the mood to get preached to while nauseous. And even worse, the sapphire was tinged with red at the edges, which means that I was going to get a visit from Right-Wing Fundamentalist Orthodox God.

Sure enough, the booming voice echoed through my head:

"CA, you've been a bad boy."

As usual, I answered this excuse for a Deity with well chosen words: "Huh?"

"Don't get funny with me CA." The Holy One was not going to let me off the hook. "I saw what you had for lunch at Wang's Downtown Buffet. Pork, shrimp, crab salad, oy, I mean I've given up expecting that you would only eat from restaurants with rabbinic supervision, but Mr. Wang does have a good choice of chicken, beef, and vegetarian stuff. Well, buster, you wonder why you're not feeling so hot this evening? Figure it out! I, the Lord of din, true divine justice, have made it so!"

"Right," said I, "maybe it was just the case that Mr. Wang didn't cook the pork long enough..."

"Believe that if you want, kofer," snarled the Abishter, who for a flash of a moment seemed to bear and uncanny resemblance to Dick Cheney, but know that Mr. Wang is very scrupulous about observing the Safe Food Handling Guidelines. Much more scrupulous than you are about observing Torah! Ha Ha! You feel like you want to barf, don't you? That will teach you to eat pork!"

And indeed, I did feel my stomach churn and start to heave.....

And the the red edges seemed to dim, and a pleasant, soft voice filled the room.

"CA, don't worry about what you just heard. God is not just a God of Justice, He/She is also a God of Mercy. Besides, why should I waste my time setting up special punishments for all 6 billion people on earth? I'd rather spend my time sitting in a mountain meadow and smoking pot. And why would I want to punish you by preventing your learning some Torah? Your tummy troubles are because you don't eat a balanced diet and don't get enough sleep. And the wine and cocktail you had with dinner didn't help. As for your violating my mitzvot, well, it's true, and I really wish you would stop being so childish and deliberately pick out pork and shrimp at Mr. Wang's buffet just to spite the Bray of Fundy, but then again, you do show up at shul, and you're not molesting any kids, and you are mostly honest in your business dealings and do your best to refrain from lashon hara, so maybe I'll spot you a couple of pork and shrimp dinners." With that, Laid-back, Egalitarian, non-Orthodox God, stretch forth his/her arm....

Poof! Snorrrt!! I suddenly woke, probably because my sleep apnea had resulted in oxygen starvation of my brain. I quickly looked around. No one seemed to notice my dozing off, probably because I wasn't the only one. Then I belt the fullness in my belly release itself by means of a very quiet, yet effective burp.

Well that was some revelation. And I have to admit that my rabbis is a wonder-working miracle man (well, miracle woman). Who needs to go the chasidic rebbe? All I have to do is listen to one of her lectures, and I fasll asleep and the Holy One blessed be He/She cures my illness.

Amen, Selah

What's the fastest growing religion?

2008-11-12T22:55:00.002-05:00

The answer may surprise you.

It's "No religion."

The source? The American Religious Identification Survey of 2001, with comparisons to their last survey, done in 1990. While this is a little old, I see no reason why the trends should have changed over the past few years.

What prompted me to dig up this material? Well, the other day, I was at a talk given by a prominent non-Orthodox rabbi, and somehow he/she got on the topic of Mormons and Evangelical Christians. This led him/her to go off on a genteel quasi-rant about how liberal (in the religious sense) Jews could learn from these religions, that supposedly make religious demands on their followers. This was combined with some shreying gevalt about the Orthodox and their superior commitment and higher birthrate were going to inherit the entire Jewish religion.

This led me to wonder whether or not the Mormons and Evangelical Bible Thumpers were really as fast-growing as all that. And even whether the Orthodox are growing as rapidly as everyonte thinks.

Let's start with ARIS:

OK, the Papists are the largest single religious denomination in the USA
Catholics 1990: 46 million 2001: 51 million % change: +11

Now let's look at some of the Protestant Bible thumpers:
Baptists: 1990: 33.9 million, 2001, 33.8 million % change: ~0
stam "Evangelical"" 1990: 0.24 million, 2001: 1.03 million, % change +329
Mormon: 1990 2.5 million, 2001, 2.8 million, % change +12

Now for some non-Christian faiths
Jews (oy vey!) 1990: 3.1 million, 2001, 2.8 million % change -10
Muslims: 1990, 0.5 million, 2001: 1.1 million % change: +120
Hindus, 1990, 0.2 million, 2001, 0.8 million, % change +300
Wiccan, 1990 8 thousand, 2001, 134,000 % change +1,570

Note that the number of Jews refers only to those who identify religiously as Jews.
Also, I suspect that the growth in Muslims and Hindus (and probably Catholics, too) comes from immigration. We'll see how long their descendants hold on to their faiths after a couple generations of assimilation.

Now, for the piece de resistance, here's the numbers for "No Religion"

1990: 14 million, 2001, 29 million for a percent change of +107% !!

People without religion represent 14% of the population, the third largest religious group after Catholics and Baptists. That I suspect is where all those disappearing Jews are going.

What the data show is that religions that make heavy demands on their followers aren't necessarily destined to be the ones that inherit the earth. And the large growth in stam "Evangelical" merely proves my point, along with the growth in "no religion." Despite their profession of absolute rules, these popular Evangelical churches are actually quite lax about enforcement of those standards. The impending shotgun nuptials of Sarah Palin's daughter is a case in point. Their church rants about sexual purity, but the young lady doesn't follow the rules, and she's not kicked out of the family or anything. You can go to any random town in the Bible Belt on a Saturday night and see the "Evangelical" faithful committing sins for which they'll go to church the next morning and ask for forgiveness. In fact, I'll bet if the Bible Thumpers were to enforce their rules the way the right-wing Orthodox Jews do, you would see empty megachurches from Richmond, Virginia to Orange County, California.

So my rabbi friend was blowing smoke out of various bodily orifices. But why should he/she do this, as he/she's very knowledgeable and usually quite perceptive? The only thing I can think of is professional jealousy. After all those fundamentalist preachers and black-hatter gedolim have followers who actually listen and do what they are taught. This rabbi has to herd cats. Well, too bad for him, but good for personal autonomy and individual freedom that the American public is moving away from the authoritarian religious model. He/she should chill and let the flock do what they want, as long as they renew his/her contract with a decent cost of living increase.

Help me interpret this dream

2008-11-12T22:45:00.000-05:00

My cousin Yosef heard this, and he wouldn't interpret it, but told me to go see a shrink. But maybe some of my loyal readers can help.

I'm driving a car through the desert. At first I thought it was the Negev, but then I noticed that the landscape was green. Green from all the cacti and other desert plants. No, this wasn't Israel. Then I saw a road sign: US 385. Where the hell was I? I was driving a 1967 Sussita with expired Israeli license plates, and I sure didn't want to get stopped by some redneck state trooper in the US.

Finally, a sign by the road, brown wood with the familiar National Park Service arrowhead logo:

Big Bend National Park

WTF? I'm in Texas! Come to think of it, I was in Texas when I went to sleep, but I was about 250 miles to the east. I've always wanted to go to Big Bend, but there certainly wasn't time to do so on this trip. And the rental car company at the San Antonio airport gave me a 2008 Chevrolet Malibu, not a Sussita (thank God!).

Well, what could I do but stop at the entrance station to pay my fee, but it was closed. A notice tacked up on the window said to drive the quarter mile to the Persimmon Gap Visitor Center and pay the entrance fee. When I got out of the car, I noticed that it was about 115 in the shade. Why I didn't notice that before puzzled me, because they didn't sell 1967 Sussitas with air conditioning, and so the car should have been hot as hell. Oh well, that's dreams for you.

So I walk into the Visitor Center, and there's this grandmotherly lady ranger at the desk, so I ask her about the entrance fee.

"Oh yes, it's $20 for a week," she says with a very pronounced Texas drawl, "But seeing from your car that you probably only have Israeli money, we'll take 80 lirot."

"Lirot?" It's been decades since Israel dropped the "lira," the Israeli pound, in favor of the "shekel. And why would the National Park Service take obsolete Israeli money? But I pulled out my wallet and found it was stuffed with Israel banknotes from the early 1970's. I guess that goes along with my driving a 1967 Sussita. I pulled out a bill.

"Do you have change for a Herzl?" I asked, referring to the portrait on the 100 Lira bill.

"I sure do," she says, and, after taking my money, handed me four banknotes with pictures of Albert Einstein, each worth 5 Lirot. For some reason I didn't reflect too much on why a lady park ranger from west Texas would know what a "Herzl" was and give the right change.

"So what do recommend I see in the park?" I asked after perusing an exhibit about how Jefferson Davis sent an army expedition to the area in the 1840's to see if camels would make useful mounts for the soldiers.

"Hell, the only place I'd come visit in July is the Chisos Basin, as it's about the only place where you won't fry your brain. But then, you're probably an Israeli, so you're used to brain-fries, I guess. Most people have more sense than to come here this time of year, so you won't have to worry about crowds. But go up to the basin, it's at 5,400 feet, that's 1,600 meters to your Israeli buddies, it should be tolerable up there.

"But when you're up there, watch out for the DovBears..."

"The what?" I said, mystified.

"The DovBears," she repeated. They look like regular bears, but they're chasidic or something. "

OK this is starting to get wierd when a lady with a west Texas drawl starts talking about chasidic bears.

"Anyway," she continued, "we had some folks visit here from some town in New York called Monsey, or maybe it was New Square, and they tried to talk the Superintendent into letting them hunt the DovBears. They said it was very important to protect the spirtual health of America from kefira. Well, the Superintendent didn't buy it. We just don't allow hunting in National Parks. Of course, if the Dovbears wander outside the park boundary....

"Come to think of it, I don't think you need to worry about the DovBears. You look like a Reform Jew, so protecting you from kefira is a lost cause..."

"No," I challenged her, "I'm not Reform, I'm Conservative."

"Yeah, right," she said, "if you're Conservative, then why the hell are you driving into the Park on Shabbos? Your rabbis only let you drive to shul on Shabbos... I guess you're another one of the dweebs who attends a Conservative shul, but is really Reform."

"Um, thanks," I said as I slipped out the door. What the hell is going on? A redneck Park ranger in West Texas is talking Jew stuff? And she has obsolete Israeli money in the till?

"Oh sir," the ranger came out the door and called out to me. "Y'all be careful out there. This here road is also the Comanche War Trail, and they sometimes send raiding parties down into Mexico to steal livestock and capture slaves."

What???!! Oh sure back 150 years ago, it was the Comanche War Trail, but is she serious that there are wild Indians about in the 21st century? Sure there are still Comanches, but raids to Mexico? I think she's been stationed out in this sun-blasted desert too long and needs a reassignment to a park with more moderate conditions.

Now thoroughly puzzled, I got back in my car and continued driving down the road through the desert. The scenery got a little more "Israeli," if you get my drift. More rocks and sand, less cactus and mesquite. I was starting to enjoy the drive, despite the sever heat shimmer that sometimes made it hard to see which way the road was going, when I noticed a large dust cloud ahead of me. As I drove up, my blood froze. For the dust cloud was raised by the hooves of hundreds of mounted and armed Indian warriors.

--To be continued

The "DovBear" of the 1860s?

2008-11-03T21:43:00.004-05:00

The other day I was rooting around our local free book exchange with a buddy, when he shoved the following volume into my hot sweating hand:

The Polish Lad
By Isaac Joel Linetski
Translated from the Yiddish by Moshe Speigel
Introduction by Milton Hindus
Philadelphia, Jewish Publication Society of America, 1975
ISBN 0-8276-0065-8

The book in question purports to be the memoir of a human of the male gender raised in a Hasidic milieu in Poland during the 1840s/1850s. It is, of course, a "trenchant" satire of said milieu by a survivor. According to the biography provided in the introduction, Linetski was a son of a Hasidic Rabbi, who happened to be a "ilui," i.e., a Talmudic genius. It turns out that by the time he was 10 years old, his teacher told his father that there was nothing more they could teach him. (Of course that might say more about the quality of Hasidic educators of the time than it does about Linetski.) As you can imagine, Linetski soon got bored and started doing the 19th century equivalent of the "hasidic heretic" routine. This, as you could imagine, alarmed his father, and so he quickly married off his 14-year old son to a 12-year old (!) bride in an attemptto suppress the rebelion by giving the kid responsibilities. This didn't work too well, as the young Isaac quickly "corrupted" his spouse, so now Papa had two rebellious youths to deal with instead of one. Somehow he found a way to force a divorce (and those of us interested in a way to solve the aguna crisis need to research how this Hasidic rabbi was able to justify it under the halacha. I suspect it was not entirely voluntary on the part of two of the parties involved.) Anyway, after many trials and tribulations, our hero ended up in Odessa, where he found a love match raised a family, and became a well-regarded, if not financially successful writer.

This book was probably his best effort, and when it came out it was quite controversial. Unlike "Steimel," and the other athiest frummers on the web today, I would say that Linetski was more of a reformer, on the lines of DovBear. In fact, I think that DovBear would appreciate this short passage:

Chapter 2

At my age, my father expects me to be an Orthodox Jew

As soon as I reached the Age of four, my father took me in hand and began to drill me in the tenents of virtue and tradition. But if you suppose he taught me any of those stupid pprecepts with which the German Jews indoctrinate their children, such as giving homage to one's parents...--- well, if that is what you yhink, you are entirely wrong. Jews in Poland regard putting on such fine airs as clumsy and deserving of scorn. My Fathers teachings were diametrically opposed ... he urged me to be rude to my mother; my mother, in turn, exhorted me to show disrespect to my father, and they both encouraged me to greet honered guests with rude comments.

At the same time, he insisted on my observing certain precepts which even an elderly Orthodox Jew is not obliged to perform under Mosaic Law, but which muyst be heeded becuase of tradition. For instance, he taught me to hold on to my yarmulke at night, so as to keep it from slipping off my head while I slept. At the Festival of Purim I was supposed to do eighteen somersaults on the table in obedience to a certain ritual. During the Passover Seder he directed me in observing the ritual down to the last detail, and until the crack of dawn. On Yom kippur, I had to abstain from food until noon and to move about in my stocking feet thoughout the day. During the Feast of Tabernacles, I had to sleep in the booth even when it was freezing weather. I was adjured to comb my sidecurls once, and only once a week, on the eve of the Sabbath, when I also had to accompany my father to the ritual baths and have my head completely shaved. And other such virtues.

This is followed by a passage describing the riual baths that hints at things more ominuous:

"I could describe still other bizzare scenes for you ... but to my father, such practices were the quintessence of Judaism."

Now back when Linetski was writing, the Ashkenazic Jewish world was split into roughly 3 camps: The Hasidim, the Misnagim (what we might call today the "yeshivish") and the Reformers/Maskilim. Linetski was in the Reform/Maskil camp, but he doesn't apparently have much to say about the Misnagim. Maybe that's becuase they were less numerous in Poland than they were in other places (like Lithuania.) But today, there are really only two basic camps, because the Misnagim, for all their original violent opposition to Hasidic superstition, have by now more or less embraced many Hasidic practices and even viewpoints. I say this from the vantage of 30 years of close observation of an Orthodox Jewish community that had very little Hasidic influence when I first started observing them, but today they are virtually one and the same as Hasidim. The differences are superficial matters of ritual, and the fact that in this community, they still value their menfolk having careers and earning an honest living. (But, to be honest, some Hasidim earn an honest living, too. I'm thinking of a couple in Midtown Manhattan 20 years ago who had a camera store and actually gave me a fair price without too much of the BS that passed for marketing tacticis in that industry.)

Alas, today Linetski doesn't get the recognition he deserves. Everybody knows about Shalom and the Tevya Tales, but who knows about Linetski and The Polish Boy? Google him and see what I mean. The phrase descrining him is "obscure 19th century Yiddish writer." Well, I think that Isaac Joel Linetski's spiritula descendants should work to lift his memory from obscurity.
ff

A vision regarding the Conversion crisis

2008-05-08T21:18:00.004-04:00

So some Rabbinical court in Israel has invalidated the conversions done by a highly regarded Orthodox rabbi just because the convert was not observing Judaism in the Orthodox style.

I commented on this at DovBear, and thought it might be a service to my loyal readers to reproduce it here.

So, without any more ado, here's the ma'aseh:

The soft hum of thew CPAP was lulling me to sleep when the sapphire glow announced that I was about to get a Divine Visitation. Unfortunately, the red tinge at the margins meant that the Visitor was Right-Wing Fundamentalist Orthodox G-d. Rats. I was hoping it would be Laid-Back Egalitarian Feminist God, and His/Her Holy Bong. Well, can't always have what you want.

"CA" boomed the Divine Voice. "You're off the hook."

"Huh?" I answered in my usual articulate manner.

"I mean all those pork and shellfish entrees you prefer at the lunch buffet. I mean your arriving at shul just in time for kiddush. I mean your general and pervasive violation of every halacha known to Man. Every ritual one, anyway. Well, I don't care anymore."

What? The KBH doesn't care about the sins of a Jew? What's going on here.

"So continued the KBH, "What do you know about the Countess X__?"

"Wow," I replied, "My mom told me that story. Countess X__ was a beautiful Polish noblewoman who was so entranced by Mendel Y___, the family's Jewish accountant that she converted to Judaism out of love and became my many-generations removed great grandmother on my mother's side. The family story is the the Vilna Gaon did the conversion. How did you know about our unusual family history?"

"Nudnick," replied the Holy One, "I'm G-d, remember? I know everything."

Why do you mention Countess X___?" I asked.

"Because," Said Hashem, "about 25 years after she supposedly "converted," she was seen attending services in a Roman Catholic Church. You know what that means?"

"Not really," I said.

"You obviously haven't been reading the proceedings of the High Rabbinical Court of Israel," G-d look at me with reproach. "They have ruled that when a convert stops observing halacha as they interpret it, then the conversion is invalid, even if it was performed by the most distinguished rabbi in the Community.

"Countess X___ violated halacha by attending that church service. The fact that it was the funeral mass for her father is no excuse. Her conversion was invalid, and don't give me any nonsense about the Gaon of Vilna having performed it, it doesn't matter. She became s shiksa again, all her children were goyim, and so were their children right down and including your mother. Which means, CA, you are NOT an apikoris. You are a GOY. A Sheygetz.

"So go and have a good time throwing another shrimp on the barbie. But I'll bet it won't be as much fun, because you won't be breaking any rules anymore....."

Suddenly the sapphire wavered and the red tint disappeared.

"Pay no attention to what was just said, CA..." The voice was similar, but with a more melodious gentle quality. OY, looks like I get to chat with Laid Back Egalitarian Feminist God after all. There may only be One God, but when He/She suffers from multiple personality disorder, a person might as well be a polytheist.

"CA, you don't live in Israel and your Conservative rabbi certainly doesn't follow the rulings of the High Rabbinical Court of Israel. So as far as you are concerned, Countess X___ had a valid conversion, and you are still Jewish. Which means that you'd better not be buying any shrimp for your next barbecue."

At that point the alarm went off, which was fine with me, because after the shock of the revelation of Right-Wing Fundamentalist Orthodox G-d, I really wasn't in the mood to smoke dope with Laid-Back Egalitarian Feminist God. On the other hand, Laid Back Egalitarian Feminist God was right. Why should I care what the High Rabbinical Court of Israel rules?
CA | 05.05.08 - 11:32 pm | #

Zionism, R.I.P. (Yom Hazikaron)

2008-05-06T23:45:00.001-04:00

[UPDATE} Made some minor spelling and grammar corrections]

Today is Yom HaZikaron, Israeli Memorial Day. Just as it is fitting for Israelis to memorialize their fellows who gave their life for the state, so it is fitting for us to memorialize the Zionist ideology that brought about the state and the deaths of its defenders. Theodore Herzl gave us a 19th century solution to a 20th century problem that looks less and less viable as the 21st century unfolds. I don't condemn those who gave us the Zionist idea, they were doing what they thought was for the best. As the old saying goes, "It seemed like a good idea at the time." But if we are to save some remnant of the Jewish state and, especially ensure the continued safety and prosperity of the Jews in the Land of Israel, we need to see where Zionism failed and what we can do to salvage some good from it.

If you read Herzl's manifesto, The Jewish State, you will see that he believed that the emancipation of the Jews in the 19th century was a failure. He believed that the nations of the world would never accept Jews, that Jews were and indigestible mass in the body politic of the western world. In fact, he said things about the Jews that, if he were a gentile, he would have had the ADL all over him. Thus, in his mind, the only solution to what they quaintly called "The Jewish Question" was an independent Jewish State, "secured by public law," as the declaration of the the First Zionist Congress in Basel puts it.

I'm not going to criticize Herzl's judgment about the situation at the time. After all, he was at the Dreyfus trial, and I wasn't. And it seems that the Holocaust vindicated his view.

And yet.....

If the Jews were such a dispirited, deracinated mass of people incapable of contributing to the societies in which they lived, why should they be expected to do so just because they lived in a state ruled by other Jews? Furthermore Herzl believed that the mere existence of a Jewish State would end antisemitism. He also believed that the Jews who stayed behind and didn't join in the project would assimilate and disappear.

Obviously, the history of the past 60 years, in which Herzl's vision has been fulfilled beyond his wildest expectations, has shown that it didn't work. The Jews living in Israel are just as petty and corrupt with no better a sense of civic engagement than their brothers in the Diaspora. Their leaders are also just as petty and corrupt as any diaspora Jewish or gentile politician. The existence of the State has not transformed the Jewish people. They are no better or no worse than they were before the State was created.

The existence of the State has not ended antisemitism, and in fact, the one place in the world where the Jews are in the most danger is -- the State of Israel! (At least that's what I keep hearing from the right-wing Zionists when they're trying to justify their refusal to come to terms with the Palestinians.) And the Jews who didn't accept the Zionist proposal and settle in the Jewish State did not disappear. In fact, their political activity on behalf of Israel, especially with regards to the superpower United States, is crucial to the security and survival of Israel.

But Zionism had a broader component than merely ensuring the physical and political security of the Jews. One of the major issues when 19th century Jewish emancipation did work was how to keep Jews Jewish when nobody was forcing them to be Jewish. The scientific revolution of the 19th century caused many Jews to reject traditional Jewish religion as superstition, and nothing discovered by science since then has changed that situation. Thus, many Jews needed a new secular outlet to express their Jewish identity. The "Hebrew" culture promulgated by people like Eliezer Ben Yehudah and Asher Ginzberg (Ahad Ha'am) was one such attempt to do this. There were also attempts by the Non-Zionist Bundists to develop a Yiddish culture within the socialist movement. Obviously, the Bundists didn't have much attraction to bourgeois Jews, whereas it was possible to have both socialist and "bourgeois" Zionism. In any event, as socialism evolved into Bolshevism and Soviet Communism, the socialists weren't interested in letting Jews express their Jewish identities, so that alternative fizzed out. It would seem that Zionism was triumphant as the secular source of Jewish identity.

Alas, it was not to work out. For Jews in the Diaspora, use of Israeli culture as a crutch to sustain their Jewish identity is just too full of contradictions. ("Why aren't you making aliyah?") Even for secular Israeli Jews, merely speaking Hebrew and learning Tanakh in the place where the events happened isn't enough to maintain their Judaism. All to many secular Israelis either end up on a beach in Goa, or at an ashram, or they mock non-Orthodox Judaism without offering anything that might be better. They may not have anything, but whatever those galut nudnicks have, it can't be much. Thus they allow their country to become an Orthodox ghetto state, and one day they will wake up and be very disappointed. Yes, we non-Orthodox might be inconsistent in our practice, our commitment might be attenuated, and our theology might be so goofy as to not pass the laugh test, but we are able to maintain our Jewish identity without having to absorb the poison of pre-modern religious superstition.

And mark my words, a Jewish State as an Orthodox Ghetto State cannot be sustained. The secular Jews will leave it, as many have already done. Most of the world does not believe in Orthodox Judaism and does not have the patience to allow them to impose their will on minority non-Jews,especially when these minority non-Jews are related to the folks who sit on the largest remaining reserves of petroleum. Just as happened in the days of Bar Kokhba, a band of Jewish religious fanatics cannot hold out against the world. Yes, I know some will cite the example of the Hasmoneans. But look what happened to them in the end.

So I come to bury the dream of Herzl and Ahad Ha'am. May we remember it fondly as a good intention that had unanticipated consequences. May we accept it's passing without finding fault and being judgmental of the persons who had only the best of intentions for our people. Nineteenth century romantic nationalism, whether of the political or cultural variety, will not solve the Jewish question of the 21st century. And this question remains the same one brought to us by the Enlightenment -- "Why should Jews be Jewish when they don't have to be?" What will answer this question? What course will ensure the security and prosperity of the Jews in both the Diaspora and the Land of Israel? I hope to answer that in my Yom Ha'atzma'ut post tomorrow (or some time soon if I get to busy eating schwarma.)

Reconsidering how I keep kosher for Pesach

2008-04-28T15:18:00.001-04:00

Another Pesach has come and gone. My back aches from hauling the Pesadik dishes back down to the basement. But having though some more about the laws of refraining from eating hametz, and the ways Jews apply legal fictions, I think I might want to reconsider how I observe.

Consider this. After we have searched out our hametz, we say the following legal formula:

All chametz, leaven and leavened bread, that is in my possession which I have not seen, removed or is unknown to me, should be annulled and considered ownerless like the dust of the earth.

We say something similar after we take the hametz to the fire station and burn it.

All chametz, leaven and leavened bread, that is in my possession, whether I have seen it or not, whether I have removed it or not, should be annulled and considered ownerless like the dust of the earth.

Now it's true that a real balabusta will actually clean the house very thoroughly so that this declaration is pretty close to being literally true. Except, of course, for all the hametz that sealed up and "sold" to a Gentile. But I once had a learned friend who told us not to drive ourselves crazy with the ritual. After all there's a line that divides meticulousness with obsessive-compulsive disorder. He said, "I try to check for bread, but in the end, there are some pretty big pieces of "dust of the earth" hiding around in my house."

The fact is, attempts to remove hametz need to be considered symbolically, not literally. Unfortunately, our attempt to be literal (or semi-literal) about it causes grief and results in unnecessary household drudgery that goes against the command for us to "rejoice in your festival."

However, there's the Conservative Apikoris Way Out: Use the traditional formula of nullification as our justification for eliminating most of the burdensome rules. Some will say that this is rejecting the very concept of Pesach. I say phooey! Yes, maybe my faith in the theology of Orthodox Judaism (or Orthodox-Lite Conservative Judaism) is weak, but despite that, I find much about Pesach that is meaningful, plus I've been doing it as long as I can remember, and so it's a major part of my identity. The last thing I would want to do is reject the concept of Pesach. I wouldn't recommend these changes if I didn't think they could be justified by passing the "laugh test" of Jewish tradition. And if we can accept the concept of the "sale" of hametz, then we can accept my proposal, which, by the way, will make the "sale" of hametz unnecessary.

We are only commanded by God (or we pretend for our own reasons to be commanded by a possibly non-existent "God") to avoid eating hametz for the duration of the festival. We are given an opportunity right before the festival to search out the hametz and nullify any that remains. The nullified matter is thus no longer hametz, but is rather "dust of the earth." This has several useful and helpful consequences.

First of all, it means that anything in our cabinets, from leftover pasta, to single-malt scotch, is no longer hametz, and thus there is no prohibition on having it in our possession over the holiday. The phony "sale" is thus no longer needed, and our rabbis will thus have a little more time available to write better quality sermons for the first day of the festival.

Second, it means that all of the hametz essence that is on our year-round plates, pots, and other eating and cooking implements is no longer hametz. That means you don't need special Passover dishes, and you can dispense with the noxious labor, reminiscent of the burdens placed on us by Pharaoh, needed to turn our kitchens inside out. In fact, removing this burden of labor might reduce the perceived need for Pesach Hotels and thus remove what some commentators believe is the biggest threat to Judaism today.

In fact, I believe that it would theoretically be possible to even eat the nullified hametz that is no longer hametz, but I would not go so far as to recommend it, as we would want to at least have a Pesadik menu during the festival in commemoration of what we forced ourselves to do during our history. At the very least, one should refrain from any obvious hametzidik menu items for the Seder. Anyway, it's all symbolism, we only need to observe enough to get the point. And certainly, if one cannot control one's yetzer and has to sneak a drink of the single-malt scotch, at least you're not stealing from the gentile to whom it was "sold," and, in fact, you're not even consuming hametz. Thus, my proposal prevents two serious sins, and fulfills the Biblical command to "not place a stumbling block before the blind."

I see these proposals as being very much withing the Jewish tradition, but I don't believe that any Conservative Rabbi would have the guts to write a responsum advocating it. But I stil lpresent ti to all of Catholic Israel (not to mention Protestant Israel as well) as something to consider doing next year.

Salvation from God -- Not Desirable, according to the Torah

2008-03-21T10:22:00.002-04:00

From the Book of Esther, chapter 4:

8. And the copy of the writ of the decree that was given in Shushan he gave him, to show Esther and to tell her, and to order her to come before the king to beseech him and to beg him for her people.

9. And Hathach came, and he told Esther what Mordecai had said.

10. And Esther said to Hathach, and she ordered him to [tell] Mordecai:

11. "All the king's servants and the people of the king's provinces know that any man or woman who comes to the king, into the inner court, who is not summoned, there is but one law for him, to be put to death, except the one to whom the king extends the golden scepter, that he may live, but I have not been summoned to come to the king these thirty days."

12. And they told Esther's words to Mordecai.

13. And Mordecai ordered to reply to Esther, "Do not imagine to yourself that you will escape in the king's house from among all the Jews.

14. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and rescue will arise for the Jews from elsewhere, and you and your father's household will perish; and who knows whether at a time like this you will attain the kingdom?"

Jewish tradition holds that the "elsewhere" from which the relief and rescue will come from is God. (Well, at least it's a way to insert some God-material into the one book of the Tanakh that has no mention of the Divine One. The implication of Mordechai's comment is that God wants the Jews to save themselves without His (or her) help.

Which means, instead of wasting our time praying for salvation, mashiach, etc. we should just take matters into our own hands and make the best of what we have.

How the "Iraq surge" really worked

2007-11-21T19:02:00.000-05:00

Way back in the days of the shtetl, Yankel a simple Jew came to his rabbi for advice.

"Rabbi," he said. "I can't stand it. My small hovel is too small for my large family. I'm going crazy." What should I do."

The rabbi replied: "Move your chickens into the house."

Yankel said, "What? How will that help?"

"Don't ask questions. This is da'as Torah!"

So Yankel moved the chickens into the house.

The next week, he was back at the Rabbi's office.

"Rabbi, things are awful, the clucking! the smells! The chicken dreck all over the place! None of us can get any sleep..."

"Yankel, now take your cow and bring it inside. No, don't argue. Da'as Torah!"

So Yankel did as he was told, with the expected results.

The next week: "Now I'm shoveling cow dreck! and rolling over on the chickens in my sleep, if I can get any sleep!"

"Bring that old skinny horse of yours inside now. Da'as Torah!"

After a week of getting kicked by the nervous nag, plus rolling around in various types of animal litter, Yankel headed off to the rabbi in great anger, ready to tell off the rabbi and convert to the Russian Orthodox faith, or, even worse, Reform Judaism. But as he burst into the rabbi's study, before he could open his mouth, the rabbi gave new instructions:

"OK, Yankel. Take all those animals out of your house now."

A week later, Yankel encountered the rabbi in the village market.

"Rabbi!" He exclaimed with a happy face. "You are great! Your advice is great! You are truly a giant of Torah! I can't believe how much room I now have, and how clean and quiet the house is!"

Secular Israelis are as spiritually clueless as the most right-wing hareidi

2007-11-20T14:58:00.000-05:00

If Bradley Burston over at Ha'aretz is right, all too many secular Israelis are as much of a problem for us non-Orthodox jews as the most right-wing hareidi. In fact, my black-hatter frum orthodox neighbors in CA-City are more reasonable on the issue of non-Orthodox Judaism than are these secular Israelis quoted by Mr. Burston.

There are those among us Jewish Israelis, whether we define ourselves as traditionalist or secular-as-Stalin, who cannot abide Reform Judaism and those who choose to practice it.

"I have to admit that the pseudo-spiritualism that the Reform Jewish synagogue manufactures is foreign to me," wrote Gafi Amir in an opinion column in Yedioth Ahronoth this week.

Taking a shot at the "neo-secular, particularly those who congratulate themselves for being enlightened and pluralistic," Amir decided that their level of religious observance will not include the commandments of fasting and searching one's soul.

"On Yom Kippur they will skip over these two clauses when they visit the Reform synagogue. Afterward, they will wear out their less enlightened and secular friends, like me, with the purifying experience they underwent there."

What kind of mishugass is this? I don't think I know a single "enlightened egalitarian," no matter how otherwise minimally observant who does a Yom Kippur without fasting and self-examination. The folks I know who don't aren't found in any kind of shul, even a Reform one.

There's a certain glee in the tone of these words. Part of it is because the words break new ground, going well beyond the timeworn observation that "The synagogue that I do not attend is Orthodox."

In particular, the words identify and castigate a new foreign body, yet another enemy in our midst. The words address the "Reformim" with the same dismissive contempt once reserved for Arabs, or for Jews who came from the other side of the Ashkenazi-Mizrahi divide.

The words treat the Reform as some form of quaint, deluded, would-be-Jewish tribe . . .

Deep down, we all know what the glee is really about. It is the blissful assurance that the collective "We" silently agrees with Gafi Amir . . .

. . .

Inherent in the hatred of Reform is the assumption that even the most pork-stuffed of the secular know authentic Judaism when they see it, and a fraud when they do not. They can somehow divine lack of commitment and observance in Reform, even when they themselves do not study, do not practice, do not believe.

Looks like secular Israelis need to read DovBear, to find out how "authentic" the practices of Orthodox Judaism are.

Burston continues:

I suspect that much of the scorn directed toward Reform Judaism reflects a certain frustration over the inability of many Israelis to feel a part of any congregation, Orthodox, Conservative or Reform. For many, the gulf between secular Israeli culture and the available forms of organized religion has yet to be bridged by liturgy and customs that speak to the non-religious.

. . .

Israeli Jews are searching for a synthesis that will speak to them. Judaism evolved over thousands of years. We would be well advised to allow people of good faith to carry out their trials, without laughing like bullies at their errors.

It is Yom Kippur. It is time to lay anger aside. It is time, as the prayers of both Orthodoxy and Reform specify, to shelve slander, scorn, ridicule and baseless hatred.

It is Yom Kippur. It is time to let Jews be Jews. It is time to recognize that Judaism itself is changing - even Orthodox Judaism. It is time to let individuals be alone with their God, and, at least this one day of the year, to accord that relationship the respect it deserves.

Amen.

Conservative shuls stink!!

2007-11-20T14:44:00.001-05:00

..Or at least that's what former Israeli Chief Rabbi Modechai Eliyahu believes.

The good "Rabbi" stated that "The reek of Hell" wafts from non-Orthodox shuls, and it is thus forbidden for elicher frum Jews to even walk past their doors.

I don't know what the good "Rabbi" would say if he visited CA-City, where lots and lots of erlicher frummers walk past the open doors of my congregation "B'nei CA" every day and never have they complained about any smells to us. Heck, frum people are even known to drop by and visit us (after services, usually). I invited a few of our frum neighbors to Apikoris Junior's bar mitzva, and, would you believe it, they actually showed up, even for the services! (Now I'm sure they davened at home beforehand, as our heretical rituals would not give them the proper mitzva points, but they did show up.) And they even said nice things about Junior's d'rash.

I think that "Rabbi" Eliyahu should be a little more diplomatic in his rhetoric. The Israeli Masorti (Conservative) movement agrees, and they're suing the good "Rabbi" to make their point.

Another Meeting with the Ineffable Presence

2007-09-30T12:04:00.000-04:00

This is turning out to be the most amazing Holiday season ever. I'm now sitting in my sukkah, amazed that my wireless router can reach the backyard, and I just have to share this:

I have had yet another confrontation with the Al--Powerful Divine Entity.

If you haven't been following the fun over at Dov Bear, I'll catch you up: Basically, my struggle with sleep apnea led me to an episode of massive oxygen starvation in my brain, upon which I actually encountered **G-D**. And He was not a Happy Camper, being that it turns out that He is apparently a fundamentalist Orthodox G-d who was, shall we say, a little disturbed about my life choices.

(Well, the Doc told me that sleep apnea can really mess with your REM sleep.)

Despite the Divine threats to cast me into Gehenna, I got the better of Him, and all He could do was let this slippery fish go. I guess He thought He could deal with me after I was 120, so why bother now. Anyway, Ms. Apikoris woke me up, and was upset that I was talking in my sleep about the "Bray of Fundie." I swear, she seemed so pissed off, I think she thought I was having an affair! Of course, she has nothing to worry about on that score, at least not with the Bray. She was also more than a little pissed off that the CPAP machine was taking so long to arrive, and her sleep was being interrupted by my snoring and arguments in my sleep with G-d and the Bray of Fundie, and G-d knows who else.

Well, the other day Central Medical Supply finally got their act together, and my CPAP arrived. After a short briefing, I strapped on the nosepiece and, looking like some sort of bizarre high altitude test pilot in pajamas, I soon fell asleep, cool, moisturized, pressurized Terran air smoothly flowing into my lungs. Well, before long, my neurons were bathed in an excess of oxygen molecules, my serotonin production shut down, my eyes were rolling about in their sockets, and I was experiencing, for the first time in a long time, NPT. It was in this state that I noticed a generalized glow which soon resolved itself into a shining sapphire blue Entity that I realized at once was You-Know-Who. Oy!, I thought. Just what I need, that Divine Nudnick is finally going to get me.

"Hey, baby," a pleasant voice of indeterminate gender spoke, "Wazzup?"

"'Wazzup?'" I replied, "Last time I saw you, you were ready to cast me into the fiery pit of Gehenna, now you're calling me 'baby?' I might not have appreciated what you wanted from me, but I do appreciate a little consistency in my Deities."

"'Deities?"" The Abishter cocked His/Her head-equivalent in puzzled inquiry, "Oy, CA, I knew you were an apikoris, but I didn't think you had fallen so low as to start taking up polytheism.

"Anyway, you can disregard that previous vision you had. You see, your brain wasn't functioning properly because of the oxygen starvation. In truth, I, G-d, am not a right-wing fundamentalist Orthodox G-d, I am a laid-back feminist egalitarian pluralistic G-d. And One who doesn't mind if you call me 'God," either. It always amazes me how those frummers can pronounce that '-', by the way. So where was I? Oh, yes, don't worry about going to Gehenna, even the biggest rasha only stays 12 months, and I don't think your puny and unremarkable sins put you in that league anyway. And as for the short time you are in Gehenna, it's really not much worse than your weekly staff meeting, so I'm sure you can handle it."

Well, what do you know. Ms. Apikoris was right, she's always right. What else can I say?

"But, still, CA, you know you really need to do teshuva. I mean this whole apikorishe shtick, the heretical comments in DovBear, the rushing to find the pork and shellfish entrees at the lunch buffet, the arriving at shul late, just in time for kiddush (and the kiddush at your shul isn't really worth leaving the house for, if you ask me), it's all foolish. "

"And this business you just wrote about how even when I win, I lose, that's just the final straw. Besides it's bogus. Do you think I give one flying f*** about whether you observe the mitzvos? Or even whether you observe the mitzvot? And I mean the ethical ones as well as the ritual ones. Hey, man, I'm GOD, you know. Your lack of observance doesn't affect me one bit."

I found that that to be rather unconvincing, and told the Holy One, Blessed(?) be He/She about the passages in the Torah that seemed to imply otherwise.

"Ahhh, fuggedaboutit," He/She waved His/Her hand-equivalent in dismissal, "Those ancient Israelites who wrote that book just misinterpreted things when I caused Santorini to blow its top. I mean, I didn't really want to, but what could I do, the underground pressure in the magma chamber was building up and I needed to do something to relieve it. OK, I miscalculated, and the damn thing caused a disaster all across the eastern Mediterranean, so sue me. Being Omnipotent means you can make mistakes, you know. How was I supposed to know that those meshugganer Israelites were going to connect the chaos to that stupid golden calf they were worshiping?

"The point is, my fine apikoris, the mitzvos, or even the mitzvot, are for your benefit. Observe them and you can get spiritual peace and your society will work well. Mess around, and you'll all be at each other's throats. 'Pray for the welfare of the government, for without it people would eat each other alive.' Come to think of it, how could a nudnick like Ayn Rand come up with her BS 'philosophy,' being that she was from a Jewish background? Oh, yes, that's right, she grew up in a non-observant family. At least your family, CA, did some stuff, like Friday night dinner and seder, and went to shul on the holidays and most of the time on Shabbos and kept pork and shellfish out of the kitchen, even if they ate out. And both your parents were lifelong Democrats, a point in their favor. So why don't you get on with the program and become more observant, just like you wanted to do 15 years ago?"

The miztvos are for our benefit?" I replied incredulously, "I can't believe that. I live around frum people who take mitzva observance seriously, and all I see is how stressed out they are from having to observe the mitzvos, and how much they don't want to admit it. It's not just keeping the ritual stuff, spending more than they need to on food with overpriced hekhshers and mehudar etrogim, running themselves ragged with their crazy schedules of shiurim, davening zemanim, preparing for Shabbos and Yom Tov, carpooling their 50 kids each, and so on, but also the ethical stuff, being intimidated with taunts of "lashon hara" whenever they try to criticize the leadership of the community. Heck, you can't even do comparison shopping for price, a rabbi once told me that it's unethical to ask a merchant for the price of something if you don't intend to buy it! And besides that your choice is to either learn full time and sponge of your father-in-law, or work 3 jobs so you can pay the yeshiva tuition for those 50 kids. All those rules are bogus! You can take your 'da'as Torah' and shove it!"

The Almighty shook His/Her head-equivalent sadly.

"What makes you think that what the frum do, or even what the Orthodox do, is what I want them to do? Or what I want you to do?"

Oy. The Abishter had a point. Maybe I've been hanging around these frumboys too much lately. For all I that I mock the pomposity of my Conservative rabbi and the way he brown-noses the rich members of the congregation and pretty much lets us shoot at the side of the barn and then paints the target bullseye around whatever we hit, he would never condemn the members of his community to endure what the frum Orthodox are forced to do. Heck, I think he'd be happy enough if I just showed up early enough on Saturday morning to help make a minyan for Pesukei d'Zimra. So what's so bad about improving my mitzva observance, according to the Torah as taught by my rabbi? Why should I let the frum Orthodox set my standards? I'm not of their community, and what's the evidence that their path is the only way to God?

"Wow. That was powerful, Hashem. Thanks for telling me that." But my apikorsus had not completely disappeared, of course. "So what is it that you want me to do?"

"Well, for starters, let's just sit here and contemplate the greatness of My creation." HaMaqom had guided me to a grove of pine trees that overlooked a meadow with a view of distant snow-capped mountains. We sat down, made ourselves comfortable on the pine needles.

Then the Elohim, the KBH, took out a bong from the folds of His/Her cloak-equivalent, proclaimed, "Let there be a Light!," and before long a scent that evoked the college dorms of my distant past wafted across the meadow.

The the Lord turned to me, gave me the bong, and spoke these words saying, "Here, take a hit. This is some good sh*t."

Well, who was I to disobey a direct command of YHVH, the Eternal? So I did, indeed "take a hit" and found our God is, indeed, a G-d of Truth.

As my cranial neurons were rapidly having their functionality altered by the THC that was starting to bathe the intersitial fluids, I asked, "This is good .... 'stuff.' Where'd'ya get it? I haven't smoked anything this good for years!"

"You minuval, you haven't smoked anything at all for the past 25 years!" The Al-mighty laughed at me. Well, it was true. Once Nancy Reagan said "Just say no," and I realized that I could get in big-time legal trouble, smoking cannabis became a much, much lower priority in my life. Not that I didn't miss the buzz. But not so much to risk being arrested.

"But you insult me, CA, why should you think I'd give you anything but the good stuff? I created it, after all!"

We sat through the afternoon trading bong hits getting more and more stoned until the sun started to set over the mountains. And then in the soft twilight, I saw a vision worth seeing.

She was perfectly formed and had the most inviting expression on her face. She was clad in a flimsy gauzy garment that revealed enough to attract my attention, yet technically met the rules of tz'niyus, as established by my rabbi. It left to the imagination everything that the imagination needed. My attention was indeed attracted as she came, sat down next to me and started to cuddle up. I was starting to respond in the normal manner when Hashem motioned for her to move away.

"Sorry CA," the Divine voice was a little apologetic. "If I let you have her, I should have to kill you. But I should introduce you. CA, I'd like you to meet the Heavenly Hostess. She's part of the reward My faithful servants get when their life on this world is over and they enter Olam Haba. You are aware, of course, that in the next world the rules of the Torah don't apply."

"All right," I said. "This is almost as good as getting 72 virgins, and I don't have to get myself killed in a jihad to get it. I guess I can wait until You think I'm ready. Uh. But I don't think my wife is going to be too happy about this, especially if this is her 'reward,' too."

"Silly apikoris," The Abishter smiled. "Your wife gets the Heavenly Host. At least, I'm pretty sure she does, our records indicate that she's exclusively heterosexual, but you never know."

"And I'm glad you're willing to wait. Some fools can't, and commit suicide. That's definitely a no-no, and you don't want to find out what happens."

Well, that was welcome news. I had read somewhere that even the most frum Jews were exempt from all the mitzvos when they got to the Olam Haba, and this was pleasant confirmation. I imagine that the Jewish Heaven must be some sort of wild mixture of a yeshiva and frat party. But while that sounds interesting, I guess I need to take the KBH's warning and wait for my number to come up.

But Hashem was continuing. "You know," He/She said, "I'm pretty sto---oned.. How about you?"

"Yeah," I replied, "I'm about ready for the munchies to come on."

"In fact," said Elohim, the L-rd of Hosts (and Hostesses), "I'm so stoned, I think I'll make an exception to the rules, and let you and the Hostess get in on. that is..." He/She turned and gestured inquiringly to the Hostess, "if she's still interested..."

"Of course, I am." She had a really sweet voice. "I've been a fan of Live Frei or Die since it started coming out, and I'd love nothing better than to be with its famous author and do this..."

...and she demonstrated what she wanted to do with me.

Wow. It was great.

And then I heard an bloodcurdling shriek.

And I was back in my bedroom staring at my beloved, Ms. Apikoris.

"Sorry, CA, but when you turned over in your sleep and grabbed me, I woke up, and was looking at something that bore a remarkable resemblance to the Borg in a bad Star Trek movie."

"Huh?"

"The mask, stupid. Take it off."

"oh>' So I took off the mask and embraced my bashert.

Which is when we both discovered that my therapy, which had restored my REM sleep, also induced NPT.

As to what happened next, you minuval, go get yourself your own wife and find out.

Mo'adim l'simcha.

CA

Israel and the Holocaust -- from "Stalags" to guilt-tripping Jews and goyim

2007-09-23T15:31:00.000-04:00

For a country whose leaders now routinely use the Holocaust to guilt-trip other nations into supporting the Jewish state, Israel certainly had a strange relationship with the historical event:

“I realized that the first Holocaust pictures I saw, as one who grew up here, were of naked women,”
-Ari Libsker, director of Stalags: Holocaust and Pornography in Israel

Apparently the first "pornography" produced by Israeli society was Holocaust based. (And it involved stories of British and American POWs getting sexually abused by the Nazis, [which is an interesting subject in itself to ponder] and then getting revenge.) This was a series of pulp fictions called the "Stalags," insired in part by the works of Yehiel De-Nur, a survivor who testified at Eichmann's trial and who wrote a couple of semi-pornographic works about Jewish holocaust victims (House of Dolls, about the infamous Block 24 at Auschwitz, and Piepel, about Nazi sexual abuse of young boys.)

As pointed out by Isabel Kershner in the New York Times, Israelis in the 1950's did not really want to talk to much about the Holocaust. The survivors sensed that the Sabras were critical of them for either "going like sheep to the slaughter" (which wasn't entirely true, and in any event there are other ways of resistance than with a gun) or for the implied "immoral deeds" they may have done in order to survive. The prevailing mood in Israel was shame at not successfully fighting back rather than anger at the filthy Nazis for committing the acts.

While this started to change as a result of the Eichmann trial, The Israeli collective neurosis about the Holocaust was pretty firmly in place. Of course, none of this was taught to me as an impressionable young Hebrew School student in the 1960s, or even as a more mature member of a Zionist Youth movement in the 1970s. Certainly by then, the Israelis were perfectly willing to acknowledge the Holocaust, but they weren't willing to admit their earlier ambivalence about it.

But by now, the Israelis have shed their shame over this, shame that was never really justified. The Jewish establishment now uses the Holocaust as a tool to manipulate through the art of the guilt trip. They attempt to manipulate goyim by equating Israel's political struggle with the Arabs with Hitler's attempt to annihilate the Jewish people. ("This Holocaust will be Different") They attempt to manipulate the Jews by equating our desire not to follow the social, religious and political lines they feed us with Hitler's attempt to annihilate the Jews. (Any random rabbinical ranting about "spiritual Holocaust" over the fact that his congregants are marrying non-Jews.)

As for me, I call BS on this nonsense. Stop using the Holocaust for your own purposes. It only shows disrespect to the victims, as well as the millions of goyish (and Jewish of course) soldiers of the Allied military forces who were the ones who, in the end, crushed Hitler and ended the Holocaust.

The frummers of the South Pacific

2007-08-06T22:11:00.000-04:00

I'll bet you didn't know there were frum people in the South Pacific. Yessir, they are very active down there in the Republic of Vanuatu, home of the mythical "Bali Ha'i," and all that other South Sea Stuff.

The only problem is that these Frum people aren't Jewish. But if it makes you feel any better, dear LForD fan, their Frum religion (named after their prophet "John Frum") is a rejection of the Christian missionary cult. More information can be found here and here.

In fact, here is a web Page that purports to represent the John "From" movement, dedicated to "saving the people, bringing them the goods of the white man and freedom from the white man's 'devil philosophy.'"

And here is an account of a visit to a Frum village.

Now what I'm waiting for is the day when a black-hatter from Brooklyn ventures to Vanuatu and innocently mentions that he's "frum." My mind cracks up with laughter and shudders at the same time when thinking of the probable results.

Ratatoullie -- A Jewish movie

2007-08-01T22:44:00.000-04:00

It's time again for another LFordD movie review in our series of Jewish movies without overt Jewish content.

Today's pick is the new Disney/Pixar animated release, "Ratatoullie," which is not only about a treif restaurant, its hero is a rat! Not only that, the director/screenwriter is one Brad Bird, which belies the stereotypes about "Hollywood Jews." Nonetheless, I believe that this picture presents strong Jewish themes.

The basic storyline concerns Remy the Rat, who, unlike the rest of his clan, is sensitive to the tastes and odors of fine food. The other rats are happy enough eating just any old garbage. And while Remy's dad is grateful that Remy's talent allows him to be able to check for rat poison, he warns Remy not to have anything to do with humans, the mortal enemy of the rat. Naturally, Remy cannot resist, and before long is helping a clueless garbage boy produce haute cuisine. The whole movie is about Remy struggling to balance his rat identity and love for his family with his disgust at the rat culture (they steal yucky garbage) with his need to fraternize with humans, who are the only ones who can enable Remy to realize his personal dreams (as well as provide him with edible food, as normal rat chow makes him gag.)

If this isn't a metaphor for the Jewish experience during the last 200 years or so (with the rats standing in for the Jews and the humans for the goyim), then I'm a hareidi. In particular, the scene where Remy's dad is trying to convince his son that humans aren't to be trusted has such obvious Holocaust overtones that italmost embarrasses me to have to point it out. The ending, too, while cute and typically Hollywood hopeful, does not answer all the questions -- while Remy and his rat clan enjoy the friendship of some humans (and a certainly better lifestyle, or at least diet, than they had on their own, most humans still loathe and despise rats and would shut down any restaurant that dared allow a ratt prepare dinner -- even if the rat washed his hands before working with the food.

Israel: Orthodox Ghetto State

2007-06-14T14:35:00.000-04:00

People who have been following various comments I have made, especially over at DovBear, know that I'm i wee bit alienated from the State if Israel, which is an uncomfortable place for a former Zionist and active member of the Jewish community to be. Nonetheless, what I've been see coming forth from Zion is disturbing on many fronts. But a pair of articles I saw in the current Ha'aretz contain news that seals the doom for the secular political Zionism I grew up with and vindicates my long-held view that Israel is becoming little more than an Orthodox Ghetto State, incapable of being the leading vanguard of the Jewish people:

The Bottom Line / The Middle East's suicidal whale
By Meirav Arlosoroff
"State education is in danger," was the title of a series of advertisements published in the press over the past month. The notices, which warned that the Knesset's anticipated passage of the Nahari Bill would ruin the education system, were signed by the mayors of Israel's 15 largest cities.

"According to the proposal sponsored by Minister Meshulam Nahari," read the notices, "the government and the local authorities will be forced to transfer hundreds of millions of shekels from the state education system to schools that do not recognize the basic values of the State of Israel, do not educate in the spirit of democracy and do not teach general studies, which are essential for economic and social well-being."

Analysis / How much does each ultra-Orthodox pupil cost us?

The education minister has admitted that state education is declining, while ultra-Orthodox education is flourishing
Ultra-Orthodox high school students in Israel do not study for matriculation exams. They have no reason to. They learn in a yeshiva - for men only, of course - and in most cases do not learn English, math, civics or literature, but rather only Judaic subjects. In many yeshivas studies are conducted in the traditional format of huge study halls with hundreds of students, taught by one rabbi.

When they complete their yeshiva high school studies, these boys will go on to learn in more advanced yeshivas, as part of a track that grooms ultra-Orthodox men for biblical and talmudic studies only, and the exclusion of all other studies. And the exclusion of work, of course.

This does not bode well for the Jews of the Land of Israel. Especially Jews who would prefer their children to have a good general education and be self-supporting. I know many Jews advocate aliyah as a way to deal with ever-increasing day-school tuition in the US. But Orthodox Jews in the US, even the black-hatter Orthodox, want their kids to learn enough to be able to earn an honest living. They may move to Israel and find that the education available might be free, but they'll also find that it's inferior.

This trend is dangerous for the State of Israel and the Jews of Israel, and I would hope that the vast majority of secular and non-hareidi Orthodox Israeli voters will rise up and stop the trend. But I don't have much hope that they will.

How the Israeli State spits on American Jews

2007-05-24T21:52:00.000-04:00

Take a look at this article about the Karaites in Israel:

(Karaism is an ancient Jewish heresy, similar to Reform Judaism in some ways. They don't believe in Oral Torah, and, from the article, seem to accept the Reform concept that each individual should determine thier path in Torah. They differ from Reform in that they believe that, however one observes it, all of the Torah is obligatory.)

Today in Israel, Karaites enjoy a relatively undisturbed presence among their rabbinic neighbors.
"In some ways, we have more rights than the Conservative or Reform movements," notes Gordon. "Karaite marriages are recognized by the State of Israel, whereas Conservative or Reform marriages are not. The marriages aren't recognized by the rabbinate, but we don't really care. They are recognized by the state."

Well, how do you like that? The government of Israel recognizes marriages and divorces promulgated by one of the oldest Jewish heresies in history, but stiffs the religious practices followed by the majority of the largest (or second largest, or co-largest) Jewish communities in the world. The Israeli government accepts Karaite k'fira, but spit on the American Jews who provide the reason why Israel has any diplomatic support at all among the great Powers. I don't think that we American Jews care whether the Israeli Rabbanut accepts our Judaism, and we don't really care, as the Rabbanut is corrupt, but for the civil government of the state to reject us, even as they try to sucker into believing that "We are one"

Another example of how the State of Israel is not the representative of worldwide k'lal Yisra'el, it is nothing more than a parochial, provincial set of corrupt politicians, who can obnly deal with their own local interests.

Oy! The Latino Pizza Menace!!

2007-05-20T12:18:00.000-04:00

As Jews, we should be thankful that Mr. Mark Krikorian didn't live 100 years ago when our ancestors came to America:

Pizza for pesos deal causes ruckus in Dallas

Apparently a Pizza Patron (founded by an Italian Lebanese guy) , a chain located in Texas and other parts of the Southwest has caused quite a ruckus by accepting payment in Pesos. Not I'm not sure why this is a problem, as I have visited border states in Mexico, and have found that many business quite happily accept payment in US dollars.

Now here's what Mr. Krikorian had to day:

Mark Krikorian, executive director of the Center for Immigration Studies in Washington, a group that seeks to limit immigration, said he was concerned that Hispanics could create a parallel mainstream in the United States.

"It's a trivial example, but Hispanics now have their own pizza chain," Krikorian said. "It's a consequence of having too many people arrive from a single foreign culture, and may well reflect a kind of cultural secession."

Hmm, just substitute "Jewish" and "kosher restaurants" in the above sentence for "Hispanics" and what you have is Boro Park. How long will it take to start hearing antisemitism from the wingnuts?

The other thing is that this is a Mexican thing, not a "Hispanic" thing, after All Pizza Patron does not accept payment in bolivianos, or Uruguayan pesos, or Brazilian reals, or guarani. It only accepts Mexian pesos, which seems reasonable to me, as Texas is right next door to Mexico.

Jewish History -- Famous Jewish Businessmen -- Julius Fromm

2007-04-15T19:18:00.001-04:00

All hail Julius (Israel) Fromm. This German-Jewish businessman came from the shtetl to revolutionize the world of ... well, sex.

Now that I have your attention, check out this item about Julius Fromm, the man who gave the world the latex condom.

In fact, "Fromm's Act was the first branded condom to be sold.

Alas, the Nazis forced him to sell out at loss, but at least Mr. Fromm was able to leave the country and escape the Holocaust in exile in London. His story ends tragically, in that he died of a heart atack only 4 days after the Germans surrendered in 1945. His son was able to restart the company after the war, but he had to pay a cousin Goering 175,000 marks for the right to use the Fromm name. But now, one can still buy Fromms condoms, for a mere 1.95 euros over the Web.

Here's a link to their web site (German only)

The Four Sons and Rabbinic incompetence

2007-04-05T16:38:00.000-04:00

Well, after this year's seder, I've decided that the Rabbis are likely a bunch of charlatans, interpreting texts to mean whatever they want them to mean. And if they can do it, why can't I?

As a case in point, here is the story of the Four Sons, or at least the "Wise" son and "Wicked" son, which comprise most of the interest of this passage:

The wise one, what does he say? "What are the testimonies, the statutes and the laws which the L-rd, our G-d, has commanded you?" (Deuteronomy 6:20) You, in turn, shall instruct him in the laws of Pesach, [up to] `one is not to eat any dessert after the Pesach-lamb.'
The wicked one, what does he say? "What is this service to you?!" (Exodus 12:26) He says `to you,' but not to him! By thus excluding himself from the community he has denied the foundations of our faith. You, therefore, blunt his teeth and say to him: "It is because of this that the L-rd did for me when I left Egypt"; `for me' - but not for him! If he had been there, he would not have been redeemed!"

The point of this little exchange is that skeptical, apikorsic folks (like me! :) ) would not have been redeemed from Egypt. But this conclusion is not supported by the text, and the reasoning of the sages is so bogus that it was even commented on by at least one other Sage.

The claim is that by saying "to you" instead of "to us," the wicked son is excluding himself from the Jewish community -- hence he would not have been redeemed. But the wise son said "commanded you," not "commanded us." So maybe the wise wouldn't have been redeemed, either?

So I checked my haggadah collection, and at least one commentary points out that the wicked son used the word "avodah" ("service") to describe the Passover ritual; "Avodah" and also mean "work," and is, of course, related to "eved," the Hebrew word for slave. Also, as is pointed out by Nechama Leibowitz," while the verse (Deut. 6:20) associated with he wise son is posed as a question,("When your son asks you an the morrow, saying.."), the verse associated with the wicked son is a statement ("...your children will say to you, 'what is this service?'.."). Such a statement could be perceived as being challenging in they that Jew for Jesus will get on a Jewish forum and ask "innocent" questions about the messiah.

OK, all that is fine, but it still doesn't support the Haggada text's assertion that the wicked son would not of been redeemed. After all the wise son also says "the laws God commanded you."

Now, what's interesting is that the official tactic of the Conservative movement is to change the text. Not just the English text, which is a common Conservative cop-pout, but the actual Hebrew text -- of the Tanakh itself!

Go check out the Haggadah known as the Feast of Freedom, the authorized version published by the Rabbinical Assembly. Basically, what they did was to emend the text so that the wise son says "What are the testimonies, etc. that God commanded us?" Now, of course, the passage makes more sense, but it is no longer based on the Torah.

Conservative Apikoris on the Parsha -- Ki Tisa

2007-03-11T22:15:00.000-04:00

OK, I'll admit, I'm not being proactive, as this is last week's parsha. So go sue me.

Anyway, I didn't get my revelation until I was sitting in shul, bored out of my skull, reading the commentary from Chumatz Etz Hayim, the official chumash and commentary of Conservative Judaism.

So here goes:

It is written: (OK, printed, in Etz Hayim.):

Verse 10: And He said, "I hereby make a covenant; before all your people I will perform wonders such as have not been created in all the earth or for any nation; and all the people in whose midst you are, will see how awesome is the deed of YHVH which I will perform for you.

Verse 11: Preserve for your own sake that which I command you today. I am driving out [from] before you the Emorites, the Canaanites, the Chitites, the Perizites, the Chivities, and the Yevusites.

Verse 12: For your own sake, be careful not to make a covenant with the people who live in the land to which you are coming, lest it be a trap in your midst.

Verse 13: Rather you must shatter their altars, break down their monuments, and cut down their asherah-trees.

Verse 14: For you must not prostrate yourselves to another god, because YHVH---Jealous is His Name--- He is a Jealous Almighty [G-d].

Verse 15: [Take care] not to make a covenant with the people who live in the land, and go astray after their gods [religions], and sacrifice to their gods, [for he] will then call you and you will eat of his sacrifice.

Verse 16: You will [then] accept his daughters [as wives] for your sons. His daughters will stray after their gods, and they will lead your sons to stray after their gods.
-Exodus, Chapter 34

Etz Hayim provides the following "D'rash commentary" on verse 13:

Why this troubling emphasis on destroying the holy places of the Canaanites and shunning their sacrificial occasions? The Israelites were a young, impressionable nation and the Torah is concerned that the highly sexualized, orgiastic fertility cult of the Canaanites would be irresistibly seductive for them [as the incident of Ba'al Peor in Numbers 25 attests.] Even decent people can be vulnerable to sexual temptation, which is why the Torah speaks out in such extreme uncompromising terms against the Canaanite cult.

This commentary begs the question of why the "orgiastic fertility cult" of the Canaanites is so bad. Is it because the cult is an "orgiastic fertility cult" or is it because this cult involves the worship of idols instead of YHVH exclusively? After all, why shouldn't YHVH be OK with an orgiastic fertility cult in which YHVH was the sole subject of worship? It would certainly so wonders for shul attendance, and maybe even kids wouldn't drop out of Hebrew school.

There;s another problem with this Torah passage: The eminent Israeli Holocaust historian Yehudah Bauer wrote the following about the causes of antisemitism:

It seems that cultural, political,economic, or theological crises can all be causes [of antisemitism], or part causes, of a phenomenon [antisemitism] that cannot be explained monocausally. At the basis, and this of course is an attempt to answer the famous $64,000 question (don't worry, I won't get the money), is, I think, the fact that the Jews produced a civilization that differed in some central aspects from the civilizations around them. Monotheism may have been invented by the Egyptians during the times of Akh en aton, the Sabbath may originate in Babylon (the name shabbat sabbatu is Babylonian), others may have tried to limit or abolish slavery, Hebrew social legislation may have some precedents elsewhere, but nowhere were all these, and other, elements, combined in a religious ethnic social ideology that was formulated over a long period of time and as a result of considerable internal conflicts. On its basis there developed a way of life, with changing, but clearly defined customs that solidified into laws sacralized by religious belief.

Jews were certainly no better or worse than others, but they were different in the way they conducted their lives. Had they stayed in their hilly land, they would have been another interesting and peculiar tribe; but they spread, not necessarily by expulsion from Palestine—there was never a mass expulsion of Jews from there, either by the Babylonians or by the Romans—but rather by conversion of others to their ethnic religion, or if you like their religious ethnicity. At the beginning of the first century there were about 4 million Jews in the Roman Empire; at its end their numbers are estimated at between 8 and 10 million, despite the destruction of the Temple and the rebellion against the Romans. That was not the result of natural Increase, but of a wave of conversions. Everywhere the Jews went they carried their distinctive civiIization with them, which marked them off against their environment. Crises of whatever source could, and sometimes did, cause this basically defenceless, well known yet strange, minority to be seen as the reason for the crisis, and therefore they were subject to discrimination or attack. Jew hatred is the oldest group hatred that exists, it precedes racism, because as we know, Blacks who acknowledged Roman gods and were free men, could be and did in fact become Roman citizens of equal status. Jews were intensely disliked—they refused to acknowledge the gods, they would not share in the food with their neighbors, and on the whole they kept themselves separate. This solidified in the theological power dispute with Christianity, and later Islam. The economic stresses came later, and contrary to Marxist interpretations, they were the result of the theological tensions, not the
other way round.

So basically, what we have here is one of the world's most pre-eminent experts on Jew hatred and the worst example of Jew hatred in history teaching us that the original and basic cause of Jew hatred is, indeed, the sort of religious separatist ideology espoused in this selection for the parsha. Why would God give us a Torah that contains commands to do stuff that will cause the goyim to hate us? (and, incidentally, make it ver hard for Jews to observe it?) Were we set up as suckers by God, accepting a covenant that is impossible to observe and that seals our doom? Why didn't God give us our own orgiastic fertility cult, and while He was it it, why didn't He also command us to have a really good Winter Solstice festival that would be better than Hannukkah at competing with Christmas?

Nazi Raccoons on the March in Europe

2007-02-04T14:27:00.000-05:00

Who says the Germans don't have a sense of humor?

Nazi Raccoons on the March in Europe

They're actually American but feel right at home in Kassel, Germany, which has become the European raccoon capital since the animals were introduced here under the Third Reich.

The story begins in 1934, when a breeder asked the Reich
Forestry Office, then led by future top Hitler aide Hermann Göring, for permission to release the masked-faced mammals to "enrich the local fauna" outside Kassel, a small city north of Frankfurt."

(check this little furry critter -- all those years in the woods, and they've been trained pretty well.)

However, for the sake of political balance, I should also alert the readers to the threat still posed by Stalin's army of killer crabs:

Stalin's last army - hordes of gigantic crabs on their way to invade Europe

By Julius Strauss in Kirkenes, northern Norway

Clueless Jack Wertheimer on Jewish identity

2007-01-25T20:45:00.000-05:00

Ah yes, Professor Doctor Jack Wertheimer, the provost of the Jewish Theological Seminary, where my rabbi was trained, is at it again. As you may remember, the last time we heard from him, he was opining that the only way for non-Orthodox Judaism to survive was to become more like the Orthodox -- that is mindless sheep who actually listen to what "leaders" like Professor Doctor Wertheimer have to say.

Now, the good Professor-Doctor is ranting about the evil hidden cabal on American college campuses that forbids Jews -- or any other white ethnic, for that matter -- from "identifying" (whatever that means) with their ethnic group. At least that's what Ha'aretz reporter Daphna Berman claims.

Now I'm not sure why Dr. Wetheimer is considered an "expert" on this subject -- after all, his recent academic experience has been at an institution of higher learning that is close to being (if not actually) 100% Jewish. Which means that he's not exactly in a position to know about what's going on at universities that contain both Jews and gentiles.

Of course, I'm not sure what Dr. Jack means by "identifying with Jews as a people." Is he concerned that young Jewish college kids believe that Jews aren't people? Or is he really worried because young Jewish college kids aren't so hot about participating in his favored Jewish political causes?

Speaking at a conference at Hebrew University this week, Wertheimer said Jews "are gravitating toward universalism because of their discomfort with parochialism." And Jewish organizations have become increasingly complicit in the process, he pointed out, citing the change of the United Jewish Communities (UJC) slogan, which has gradually evolved from "We Are One" to "Live Generously" - their new motto that does not specify the target for philanthropists' generosity.

Wertheimer isn't saying anything new. The struggle between "universalism" and "parochialism" has been going on in the US for decades. There are some new twists. We don't need to change our names anymore and pretend we're not Jewish. Careers are open to us, and we can check in as a guest at any hotel we want to. I think what Wertheimer might be lamenting is that the vision of Judaism that people have isn't the one that the good Doctor prefers.

Wertheimer also lamented attempts to universalize Judaism, so that values like tikkun olam [repairing the world] and kol yisrael arevim zeh la'zeh [all of Israel is responsible for one another] no longer focus on the Jewish community. Lobbying for the victims of Darfur or cleaning American rivers, he said, have taken precedence over sustaining Jewish communal institutions because there is a "diminution in concern" for fellow Jews.

No, it's because we view Jewish communal institutions as being irrelevant and they serve no need for us. I can see that Dr. Jack might view this with some alarm because he's worried about who's going to pay his pension. But I, for one, see no reason why our shul should have to pay a six-figure salary to a graduate of Dr Jack's school when the guy doesn't provide anything that we, the members of the shul, can't do for ourselves.

Now, in fairness to Dr. Jack, it's possible that the reporter garbled his message. I certainly don't see any evidence of Jews not being able to express themselves on campus. True, my personal experience is almost 30 years old, but the kids I know who are coming back and reporting to me seem to be quite active attending services, participating in Israeli dance groups, etc. Jewish studies of all sorts are widely available and popular offerings to the point that there's no need to go to a place like JTS in order to be a Jewish scholar. Maybe that's what's bugging Dr. Jack. It's almost too easy to be a Jew on a college campus today.

Ehud Olmert -- GOP Jew (and bad news for israel)

2006-12-26T23:34:00.000-05:00

Note this little gem from the Forward:

Israel, Syria and Bush’s Veto

"Israel’s worst-kept diplomatic secret became public knowledge this week when its prime minister, Ehud Olmert, told his Cabinet that he was against taking up a dramatic new Syrian offer for peace talks — because doing so would undermine President Bush."

(snip)

"It’s long been rumored that Olmert’s real motive is placating Bush. He’s consistently denied it — until now. This time, he put his cards on the table. What drove him to ’fess up was a new peace overture from Damascus, announced December 16 by Syrian Foreign Minister Walid Moallem. Speaking to a Lebanese newspaper, Moallem offered to open peace talks without any preconditions — dropping for the first time Syria’s longtime demand that Israel concede the Golan Heights in advance of talks. Moallem was following up on comments a day earlier by Assad, who urged Olmert to “take a chance” and “discover if we are bluffing or not.” Assad also offered to help America restore stability in Iraq."

In other words, the prime minister of the State of Israel seems to be more worried about the welfare of President Bush and the neocons than he is about the welfare of the people of Israel.

This is utterly stupid. Most American Jews don't like Bush, certainly at least 60% of the general American public don't like Bush (and only 30% support him). And Olmert wants to tie the fate of Israel to Bush?

Jimmy Carter -- enemy of the Jews .... NOT

2006-12-16T20:20:00.000-05:00

Enough of the idiotic nonsense regarding Carter's new Book. Here's the best comment I've seen about it, from an Israeli, no less:

Memoir of a great friend

By Tom Segev

Jimmy Carter is upsetting 'friends of Israel' in America with a book that obliges people to redefine their friendship. Some are accusing him of anti-Semitism. In a very personal, very Christian way, Carter is saying basically what at least one out of two Israelis these days is saying.

Predictably, some are accusing Carter of anti-Semitism. Carter is closely following the responses, including on the Internet, and responding to his critics. He is prepared to lecture for free about his views - but Jews don't want to hear, he complains. An Israeli reader won't find anything more in the book than is written in the newspapers here every day.

. . . .

These are small things; the uproar is over the word "apartheid." That's another thing I would have recommended that Carter forgo, if he'd asked me. It's not necessary; the situation is terrible as it is. Now everyone's busy arguing about the use of the term "apartheid" instead of focusing on the horrors of the occupation in the territories. Similarly, I had a hard time getting worked up over the fact that the security wall in Jerusalem passes through territory that was a favorite of Jesus and his disciples.

But the principal argument is well-founded, and backed up by the reports from B'Tselem, Peace Now, Israeli newspapers and even many articles that appear in The New York Times (as opposed to the theory, which Carter cites, that says Israel's critics are being silenced). Like many others, Carter points out the ongoing and systematic violation of the Palestinians' human rights; the injustices of the oppression perpetuate the conflict. It's bad for everyone, the United States included.

. . . .

One reason the book is outraging "friends of Israel" in America is that it requires them to reformulate their friendship: If they truly want what's good for Israel, they must call on it to rid itself of the territories. People don't like to admit that they've erred; therefore, they're angry at Carter. But the belief that a withdrawal to the Green Line will bring peace has been around ever since the Six-Day War. What else is new?

Thnak God there arer some sane people left in the Middle East

2006-12-16T20:17:00.000-05:00

Islamic Movement sheikhs slam theories of Holocaust denial

By Amiram Barkat, Haaretz Correspondent

The Holocaust-denial theories aired last week in Iran were denounced Friday from an unexpected source - in a statement released by sheikhs of the Islamic Movement in Israel. Simultaneously, Religious Zionist rabbis issued a statement denouncing damage done to the Muslim cemetery in the center of Jerusalem in the construction of the Museum of Tolerance.

Ethics question of the day -- Medical privacy and cellphones

2006-12-08T12:56:00.000-05:00

I'd appreciate some input from my loyal followers about this recent case:

The other day, I boarded a train for his trip home. Because I boarded late, and the train was very crowded, I was unable to get my accustomed seat in the "Quiet Car," and, indeed was lucky to find a seat at all.

Unfortunately, I was forced to sit next to a gentlemen who identified himself as "Dr Goldberg. (not his real name). How did I learn this? Well is was because the good doctor was using his Amtrak seat as a rent-free annex to his medical office. That is, he had a list of patients who had called him during the day, and he proceeded to go down the list, and using the modern miracle of cellphone technology, perform his consultations. And on each call he identified himself.

Aside from the fact that I find listening to telephone conversations extremely annoying, "Doctor Goldberg" was discussing very detailed and intimate medical information with his patients in full earshot of at least 80 fellow passengers. Sure, we could only hear half the conversation, but I really didn't appreciate it when he started talking about the results of a pelvic examination of a female patient of his. And occasionally, when he called the person, he did address them by name.

Aside from being annoyed, I really wonder whether doing this is a breach of medical ethics. I mean, I wouldn't want my doc to be sitting on a train, dial me up on his cellphone, and say, "Mr. Apikoris, this is Doctor Kronkheit. We just got the results of your STD tests back, and everything came up negative." It's bad enough that I have to listen to cellphone conversations of arrogant bosses chewing out their subordinates, or fools trying to finalize sensitive multizillion dollar business deals while giving the names of the parties out in public, but I think that the public broadcast of medical information reaches a new low, and probably should be against the law, if it isn't already.

Anyway, just interested to see what you all think.

Kiruv to the Orthodox -- Masorti's role

2006-12-01T15:11:00.000-05:00

If you didn't know, I have a shining vision of a new form of non-tribal secular-humanist Judaism that will transcend the narrow limits of the current "Abrahamitic" faiths (i.e Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) and ensure the universal spread of Torah without the narrow-minded bigotry and violence that has been an all too often side-effect so far.

But I'm not here to discuss that grand high-level vision. I'm posting about smaller practical steps to set it in motion.

What started this was a recent post by DovBear, who was channeling a post by Rabi Yaakov Horowitz concerning "at-risk teens" in the black-hatter Orthodox community. It seems that there is a growing amount of dissatisfaction with the black-hatter lifestyle, a lifestyle that is circumscribed by their ideology and thus capable of change only with the greatest of difficulty.

Chevrei, this could be the start of the greatest defections from Orthodox Judaism that k'lal Yisrael has seen since the days of my grandparents, when millions of Jews were finally emancipated from Czarist oppression, and realized that a good deal of that consisted of oppression by the Orthodox establishment in the Old Country. These defections can be an opportunity to build a new Jewish community based on the principles of "Torah v'sekoolar hoomaneezm," but we may lose that chance if the defectors leave the Jewish fold so fast that they become totally secular, or even, (God Forbid) become Christian. Or Mormon. Or Buddhist. We must ensure that defectors from Orthodox remain religiously Jewish, as participants on one of the non-Orthodox Jewish movements.

And here is where the Conservative (Masorti) movement can play a vital role, the same role they played in Grandpa's day. These Orthodox defectors, while they may have found the lifestyle of their community difficult and the theology of their community preposterous, have still been thoroughly indoctrinated that black-hatter Orthodoxy is the Only One True Form of Judaism. Thus, when they attend services at a non-Orthodox synagogue and encounter a lady rabbi strumming on a guitar, they cannot accept that this, too, is one of the 70 faces of Torah. These lost souls need to find a way station, a half-way house, as it were, where they can remain within the fold of k'lal yisrael and learn to accept the principles of the new Judaism in a setting that is familar to them. And Conservative Judaism can provide that setting, just as it did from my grandfather of blessed memory, a Lithuanian yeshiva boocher who wouldn't have been caught dead in a Reform Temple ("goyish mishugass"), but came to enjoy and appreciate his local Conservative minyan, mixed seating and all.

But is the Conservative movement ready for this historic task? Alas, they've been navel-gazing and otherwise self-absorbed with issues related to the career ambitions of women and gay rabbis, and they may yet miss this historic opportunity. Orthodox defectors come to Consertaive shuls, and they may be attracted by the similarities in the rituals, but they get turned off by the growing trend of Conservative shuls becoming ritually indistinguishable from Reform Temples. i.e., the Conservative shuls are becoming too goyish. Too many prayers in English, too much explanation during services of the rituals. Too much of major changes merely to accommodate the wishes of a faction outspoken members. Not that all of that is wrong, and may be what that particular congregation of Conservative faithful need. But will such congregations attract the defectors from Orthodoxy?

I maintain that it is in the best interest of the Conservative movement, and indeed of k'lal Yisrael, to make sure that these defectors find a proper Jewish home. To do that, the Conservative movement should consciously work to m'karev this spiritual searchers and be sure that they have Conservative prayer-space that is culturally familiar to them and allows them to be slowly weaned from their fundamentalist indoctrination. This means that the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism should ensure that every Jewish community of reasonable size have some sort of "right-wing" Conservative minyan in a functional state. This could range from an alternative minyan in a larger established synagogue to an independent free-standing synagogue. "Right-wing Conservative" could cover a wide range of practices, including orthodox-style ritual (very little English, use of orthodox prayer-texts, no heche kedusha, full annual Torah reading, no microphones on Shabbos, etc.), to fully or partially ritually non-egalitarian. What's most important is a congregation in which the zeitgeist of the membership is supportive of people who try to be shomrei mitzvot, unlike many Conservative synagogues, where observant people are made to feel like out-of-place religious fanatics. An indoctrinated Orthodox defector is going to be going through enough emotional turmoil, what with feelings of guilt that he or she has rejected the faith of his or her parents, they don't need to be made to feel bad about ritual practices that the need to continue, at least for a while, as a stabilizing force in their life.

And it should be noted that the theology and ideology of Conservative Judaism does allow for the "right-wing" practices, so its not like the movement would be hypocritical by sponsoring such institutions. And these "right-wing" institutions can be safe places where the Orthodox defectors can be exposed to the Sages of Liberal Judaism who can show them that the authentic teachings of Torah need not require and abusive social system or a fundamentalist theology. And so, most of them will slowly grow in Liberal observance and assimilate into the non-Orthodox community, thus helping build my vision of a new universal House of Israel for everybody.

Neocons, fear-mongering, and Jewish tradition

2006-12-01T14:35:00.000-05:00

This is very difficult to write, but I have come to the inescapable conclusion that all of the sorry events over the past 6 years, from the erosion of our liberties due to the "War on Terror," to the ill-advised and disastrous war on Iraq, have their roots in the Jewish tradition.

No, of course it's not the "Fault of the Jews," indeed, the vast majority of American Jews have opposed the Bush Administration's foolish policies.

But the Jewish neocons, the followers of Leo Strauss, have tapped into Jewish tradition to rule through fear:

It is the way of the Sages to scare people with punishments which will befall them from the Heavens. For, they feel, without fear -- of a flesh-and-blood ruler or of the rule of the Heavens -- society would degrade to the level of Sodom and Gomorrah.

The American Right Wing has not faith in the judgement of the masses. The feel only they have the knowledge to decide what;'s right and what's wrong. And look where they have lead our country!! Look where they have led the world!! And they did this based on an insight gained from Jewish tradition.

Fear is the way of Jewish tradition. Fear and also guilt. Isn't it time to remold the Jewish tradition? Isn't it time to make our observances rational and to accept the joys and responsinities for freedom? Isn't it time to tell the fear-mongers to take a hike?

Amen, Selah.

Good Shabbos.

Fifty reasons why I'm voting Democratic on Nov. 7

2006-10-26T11:14:00.000-04:00

--AZ-Sen: Jon Kyl

--AZ-01: Rick Renzi

--AZ-05: J.D. Hayworth

--CA-04: John Doolittle

--CA-11: Richard Pombo

--CA-50: Brian Bilbray

--CO-04: Marilyn Musgrave

--CO-05: Doug Lamborn

--CO-07: Rick O'Donnell

--CT-04: Christopher Shays

--FL-13: Vernon Buchanan

--FL-16: Joe Negron

--FL-22: Clay Shaw

--ID-01: Bill Sali

--IL-06: Peter Roskam

--IL-10: Mark Kirk

--IL-14: Dennis Hastert

--IN-02: Chris Chocola

--IN-08: John Hostettler

--IA-01: Mike Whalen

--KS-02: Jim Ryun

--KY-03: Anne Northup

--KY-04: Geoff Davis

--MD-Sen: Michael Steele

--MN-01: Gil Gutknecht

--MN-06: Michele Bachmann

--MO-Sen: Jim Talent

--MT-Sen: Conrad Burns

--NV-03: Jon Porter

--NH-02: Charlie Bass

--NJ-07: Mike Ferguson

--NM-01: Heather Wilson

--NY-03: Peter King

--NY-20: John Sweeney

--NY-26: Tom Reynolds

--NY-29: Randy Kuhl

--NC-08: Robin Hayes

--NC-11: Charles Taylor

--OH-01: Steve Chabot

--OH-02: Jean Schmidt

--OH-15: Deborah Pryce

--OH-18: Joy Padgett

--PA-04: Melissa Hart

--PA-07: Curt Weldon

--PA-08: Mike Fitzpatrick

--PA-10: Don Sherwood

--RI-Sen: Lincoln Chafee

--TN-Sen: Bob Corker

--VA-Sen: George Allen

--VA-10: Frank Wolf

--WA-Sen: Mike McGavick

--WA-08: Dave Reichert

The Poles cave in to Middle East Extremists (of the Jewish variety)

2006-10-10T14:16:00.000-04:00

Yessir, it's n t just the German opera companies caving, now we see the Polish Diplomatic Corps caving to threats from those midlle-eastern extremist ~~Muslims~~, er, Jews.

OK, well the Jews making the threats weren't miiddle eastern, they were American...

And the object of their ire wasn't some heretic infidel, it was a fellow Jew!

In N.Y., Sparks Fly Over Israel Criticism
Polish Consulate Says Jewish Groups Called To Oppose Historian

NEW YORK -- Two major American Jewish organizations helped block a prominent New York University historian from speaking at the Polish consulate here last week, saying the academic was too critical of Israel and American Jewry.
The historian, Tony Judt, is Jewish and directs New York University's Remarque Institute, which promotes the study of Europe. Judt was scheduled to talk Oct. 4 to a nonprofit organization that rents space from the consulate. Judt's subject was the Israel lobby in the United States, and he planned to argue that this lobby has often stifled honest debate.

Sure, Dr. Judt is persona non grata with the American Jewish establishment becuase he is sharply critical of the State of Israel. But even the Israelis are more mature than the American Jewish establishment, after all the Zionist newspaper Ha'aretz had no problem printing an article by the good doctor.

Why do these self-appointed "guardians" of Jewish America feel the need to stifle debate about the State of Israel? Id it becuase they know that the case for Israel is weaker than they are willing to admit publically?

How the Jews stiff the help...

2006-09-26T08:16:00.000-04:00

The Rabbinical Assmebly does it again:

A rabbinic opinion calling on Jewish business owners to pay their workers a living wage and hire union employees was stymied by the Conservative movement’s top lawmaking body after the opinion received fewer than the minimum number of votes needed for a paper to be approve

Maybe this is part of the reason why rabbis are loath to be more supportive of workers' rights:

For Vera Haim, teaching Jewish children about their religion, history and culture gave her life a deeper meaning. For 17 years, the 53-year-old Israeli-born educator taught at Jewish nursery schools throughout Southern California, most recently at Temple Kol Tikvah in Woodland Hills. Nothing made Haim happier than helping young students develop self-esteem and a curiosity about their roots.
But her dream job held the seeds of a nightmare. Earning just $15,000 annually and with no health-care benefits, Haim landed in dire financial straits after she and her husband divorced last year. Unable to support herself, she had to move in with her 31-year-old son. In short order, she left Kol Tikvah and nearly doubled her income by opening a home day-care business in her son’s house.

She and other Jewish day-school teachers are not alone in their frustration. From social workers caring for Holocaust survivors to cooks preparing kosher meals for the elderly, many Jewish communal workers complain that low wages make it nearly impossible for them to buy homes, take vacations or live a comfortable middle-class existence. Some even must work two jobs to eke out a living.

(Note that this person was trying to live on $15K in greater Los Angeles!)

I will tell another anecdote about an acaquaintance who teaches at a large Conservative syanagogue in a major metropolitan area. They told him last summer that his hors were to change this fall. They neglected to tell him, until it was too late to get another job, that the change in hours would result in a substantial reduction in pay. On top of that, he told a bunch of us that he has having trouble collecting back pay from these jokers! This, at a shul where they just let out a major contract for substantial renovations to a big fancy building that seems to be in decent shape as far as I can tell. They had no problem getting donors to have rooms named after them, but they can't even pay their own employees. about the only advice my friend got was "call the rabbi," and I'm not sure whether he did or not, but our people are in a hell of a state if a person has to call the rabbi to intercede with shul management in order to get what's due him by right.

Oh, yes, and I have another person I know who works for a Federation-run "newspaper" ("house organ" is more like it, considering it's lack of independent reporting on the Jewish community) where he get's constantly hassled about getting time off to observe the Jewish holidays.

No wonder less than 50% of American Jews bother affiliating with the organized Jewish community. Our community is primarily a corrupt vehicle for gratifying the egos and assuaging the consciences of rich businessmen. The sooner it falls the apart, the better off will be the House of Israel.

Maybe there's something to hashgacha pratis

2006-09-25T22:06:00.000-04:00

Yessir good ol' Divine Providence. The Big Guy Upstairs who I'm not even sure exists seems to have sent me a big message this Sunday. The question is do I believe it or not.

There I am in my big Conservative shul on the High Holy Days, my least favorite time of the year, mainly because of the crowds of people who seem to need to have every prayer carefully explained to them by the rabbi (even though the Mahzor has a perfectly good translation and explanatory notes.)

So after the haftara, I'm kind of zoning out when the rabbi gets up for his sermon. Ah good, I need a nap. But no, it was that time of year for the dreaded "Israel sermon." Well now, if all our distinguished Rabbi Dr. X wanted to do was exhort us to have some solidarity with our beleagured fellow Jews in the Land of Israel, I'd go along with that, even if it's their own fault that they're beleagured. I had a family memeber who got hit with a felony charge (you don't want to know) and I've stuck with him/her, despite the fact that I was ready to throttle him/her (figuratively, of course) for being so stupid. Blood is thicker than water, after all.

But no, our dear hired man/woman of the cloth decided to to be a political pundit, giving a rundown of the sorry events of last summer, pretty much repeating every Likud/Kadima talking point verbatim. If only he had spouted Meretz talking points. (Forget about Labor. Amir Peretz sold his soul to the Kidima devil, and now he's political history. What a tragedy.) Actually, political punditry of any sort is totally out of place in a High Holy Day Sermon. I mean, aren;t we supposed to get some sort ofdeep spiritual uplift. If I want politics, the mighty Lord Kos or Reb DovBear (or heck, my own Dad) serves perefectly well.

The droning on about how the Israeli army is the most moral army in the world, even though this rabbi never served in it, even as a rabbi, let alone a real grunt, so how does he know. (I've gotten other stories about how "moral" the IDF is from ex-Zahal guys, not to mention reading Ha'aretz.) Well before long this sorry product of Ismar Schorsch's defective JTS curriculum was punching all my emotional buttons, and I had to quick, get up, doff my tallis as if I was heading to the restroom, and walk out. Yes, I know that Rabbi Dr. Pinchas Giller has posted a comment in Dov Bear that walking out on the Rabbi's drash is like telling the rabbi to go to hell, but he's wrong. I walked out to keep myself from telling the rabbi to go to hell (and to avoid the subsequent lynching.)

So there I was in the Men's Room fuming and angry at the whole damn Zionist cabal that is endangering the safety of the entire Jewish people everywhere in the world, including the State of Israel. I relieve myself. Wash my hands. (You might say I'm a neurotic Jew, but you can never say that my Mama didn't teach me right). Take a deep breath and go back into shul. Except that while we were doing musaf, I was still so angry that I called on Hashem to not write this congregation and the entire Jewish people in the Book of Life this year. Write us up for destruction, God! Let the Arabs drive those arrogant Israelis into the sea, and then drag them out again and force them to live as dhimmis under the rule of the Caliph Mad Mahmoud! Force them all to pass through IDF security checkpoints with Arab ID cards. Either that or exile them all to Biro-Bizjhan and take their kids from them and have them raised as Russian Orthodox Christians! And then send a few pogroms to entertain the smug, complacent self-righteous middle-class suburbanoid American Jews! Man, Iwas going! If the traditional theology about Hashem and what He does on Rosh Hashanna is correct, I don't know what He made of me.

Well, I did calm down. The sound of the Shofar helpd. It's one of the few Jewish rituals that's nonverbal. Baruch hashem, sometimes we Jews are so full of words it drives me crazy. Second-rate intellectual dreck. But at last, the long loud note of t'kiya gedola drowned out everyting and relaxed me.

Until I got home, that is, and had to start cooking lunch. You see the Apikoris kitchen is roughly the same size as the average galley in a 25 foot cruising sailboat, which means it's very small and there's not enough counter space to do more than make an sandwich. But I was trying to make a gourmet lunch, and before long, I had an onion chopped up on the cuttingboard. But just then, my beloved offpsring, Apikoris Junior, come shuffling into the kitchen.

"Dad," he whined, "I'm hungreyyyy."

He goes over opens the fridge, and gets out a container of Saturday's leftover chulent, which he plops in a bowl, and heads for the microwave. Unfortunately, the cutting board with the chopped onion is right in front of the microwave door. It's the only flat counter space available. So Junior opens the door (in his defense, he was trying to be careful), and then knocks the cutting board of the counter and before long, the kitchen floor is covered with chopped onions!

That might have been OK, but I had already oiled the skillet and had added the chicken to brown. So then I had to sweep up the floor, as the mere sight of a broom and dustpan will make Junior run for the hills. Then I had to wash off the cutting board and chop up a new onion. It was about then that I smelled the smoke of burning oil over by the skillet. So I rushed over and my foot slid on a patch of oil that had spattered on the floor. Fortunately, the burns were only first degree, and soaking in cold water relieved the pain. And then, to add insult to injury, the dinner gave me heartburn! (Serves me right for drinking that leftover half-bottle of Bordeaux.)

So that night, as I was clutching my chest burping with discomfort and dealing with a reddened painful hand, I wodered whether Hashem was sending me a message. Then I thought, Nah, everyhting can be explained by a rational cause. But then again, the destruction of the first Tempe can be explained by a rational cause, too. The King of Judah Jehoichim was a vassal who double-crossed his much more powerful liege lord, Nebudchadnezzar. You don't need God to explain the Exile. I still don't know whether I need God to explain my disastrous Rosh Hashanna Lunch.

Al chet.. for the sin I committed....

2006-09-25T09:38:00.000-04:00

A recyled post I made in another blog last year, but still appropriate:

For the sin we have committed by not having a personal political philosphy

We live in a democracy where power comes to people trough the results of contested elections. Thus, we are responsbile for the results of the elections. The competing candidates wil do whatever they can to win votes, but, in the end, if a person believes that the government should be doing X, they should not be voting for candidates that enact policies of not-X.
But we have sinned, not only becuase we don't pay attentionto what the politcians do once they get power, but becuase we have let ourselves be confused over what kind of "X" we want from those in power.

Read more, and have an easy fast next week.

Shana Tova

Rosh Hashanna D'rash 5767

2006-09-22T12:25:00.000-04:00

Shana Tova to all my dear readers.

This d'rash will not be interpreting text, but rather reminiscing about the past. It's an attempt to express my regret for not acting more forcefully against the forces that are slowly turning my peoples, both of them, in a force for evil in the world.

Someyears ago duing the 1990s, I was in Baltimore one summer weekend (I even think it was in Elul), and I attended morning Shabbat services at Chizuk Amuno, one of the large Conservative synagogues in that community. For some reason, the Rabbi, Joel Zaiman (who was, and maybe still is, a big wheel in the Conservative movement) decided to give a sermon about whether or not it was permissible to torture captives. I have no idea whether there was any relation to the Parsha or not, or whether the good rabbi was inspired by a recent Israeli Supreme Court decision that limited such practices. In any even, after much pilpul, Rabbi Zaiman came dpwn on the side of Torture, using the "ticking bomb" rationale. That is, if you have a suspect who has information that could immediately save other lives....

The problem with that rationale is that, of course, it's based on a lot of assumptions that the toturer has no idea about whether or not they're true. Real-life experience seems to be that this scenario is so exceedingly rare that it's a terrible basis for any sort of policy on the matter. However, it's much more common that torture victims provide innacrate information, that they'll tell the torurer whatever the torurer wants to hear just to end the pain.

Now I could go on about how I'm totally disillisioned with Rabbi Zaiman, who was apparently more worried about whether Zahal operatives are legally protected than he is about moral Principles. I could go on about how I think that his position makes him, in my mind, totally unqualified to serve as any kind of moral guikde for me. But I won't.

The reason is becuase back in those days a decade or more ago, when the rabbi spoke those words, I kind of nodded on with agreement. Sounds reasonable Who wouldn't want to take any possible steps needed to prevent death and destruction. And I know that I'm not alone. There are all too many people in this country who have stopped thinking, just nod their heads at whatever authority figures tell them, and in do so allow all sorts of injustices to continue. Even today, hardly anyone is raising a ruckus that our own government tells us that it's necessary for u to behave like the adversaries who we so rightly condemn.

This Rosh Hashanna I plan to repent for my sins of being inattentive to facts, by allowing myself to uncritically accept whatever is spoon-fed to me by authority. I resolve to go forth and do whatever is in my power to challenge injustice and violence, even if it comes from my own people.

Never forget. Challenge Authority. Think for yourself.

God gave us the power to think. He must have had a reason. Not using that power is an affront to God Himself.

L'Shana Tova Tiakatevu.

The fruit of wingnuttery

2006-09-14T09:53:00.000-04:00

As seen at DovBear

Well, for all you folks relying on our wingnut-controlled Congress to get to the bottom of this Iran "nukyuhler" business, the UN weapons inspectors, who were, afeter all, correct about Saddam Hussein) have some bad news:

IAEA complains of 'outrageous' inaccuracies in Iran report to House Intelligence Committee

The Associated Press

Published: September 14, 2006

VIENNA, Austria A recent U.S. House of Representatives committee report on Iran's nuclear capability is "outrageous and dishonest" in trying to make a case that Tehran's program is geared toward making weapons, a senior official of the International Atomic Energy Agency has said.

The letter, obtained by The Associated Press on Thursday outside a 35-nation IAEA board meeting, says the report is false in saying Iran is making weapons-grade uranium at an experimental enrichment site, when it has in fact produced material only in small quantities that is far below the level that can be used in nuclear arms.

Alas, the fruit of wingnuttery. You wouldn't see any moonbats so silly as to mislead their country into a second war on false pretenses --a war that will further destory our military power and put the final nail in the coffin of our international stature.

And, by the way, even the Israelis think that the wingnuts are meshuuggeners.

Do the Jews really need this hassle?

2006-09-10T11:17:00.000-04:00

Today I finally post on the Monsey Chicken Scandal:

Butcher Is Accused of Passing Off Chicken as Kosher
MONSEY, N.Y., Sept. 6 — Since sundown on Saturday — when the Jewish Sabbath ended — men, women and children have been scrubbing kitchen counters and stoves, and dipping pots and utensils in scalding water.

“My husband and I had to leave everything we were doing,” said Esther Herzl, 61, a Hasidic grandmother who lives here, “and all we did was scrape and scrape and scrape — from the cutlery to the glassware to the countertops, oven and stove. I’m beat. We’re truly religious, so we don’t cheat in the cleaning.”
The cleansing ritual, which is prescribed by Jewish law, became necessary after a Hasidic butcher was accused of stocking the shelves of a kosher grocery store here with nonkosher chicken and selling it to thousands of Orthodox Jewish families.

Now, as anyone who has contact with normal Orthodox people knows, in similar situations, the rabbis do not require this level of work. After all, it was the fault of whoever supervised the store, not the pious Jews who bought the meat in good faith. So why should the pious Jews be the ones who are punished by this uncessary extra work? No womder most of the House of Israel has abandoned these commandments, and, at this point, don't even bother to avoid the forbidden foods.

A better approach tokashrut is provided by the much-maligned Conservative movement, though, of course, I can't cite this without making passing criticism of my rabbis. After all, what's the point of being alive if you can't trash your own leadership?

I bring down in citation the responsum written by Rabbi Barry Leff,

Eating Dairy Meals in Unsupervised Restaurants

Rabbi Leff's bottom line is that it is, indeed, permissible to eat even cooked dairy foods at unsupervised restaurants (and presumably private homes as well), under limited conditions. But what is really interesting is that if you read between the lines, it seems that most of the traditional kashrut rules regarding cleaning and seprating dishes, utensils, etc. are not really required by the Torah and are essentially an uneccessary burden on the Jewish people. Sure, Rabbi Leff, doesn't say that, and if challenged would probably disagree with what I just wrote.

But read for yourself:

The traditional structure of kashrut includes many gezeirot which are in place to prevent the possibility of tasting a forbidden substance. The most widely known is the requirement to use separate dishes for meat and dairy. It is thus an assumption of the system of kashrut that pots, dishes, and utensils absorb food and tastes and exude them back out, possibly resulting in tasting a forbidden combination. We can see that the rabbis concern was with the absorption of the taste of the food being cooked in the pot from the discussion at the end of Avodah Zarah about how a Gentile’s pots are forbidden from use because of the flavors they might have absorbed. The Gemara in fact concludes that if the pot had not been used in 24 hours, it is permitted to use it, even without washing. There is an implication that if the pot is washed you don’t have to wait 24 hours—it says that the rabbis decreed the pot has to be washed whether or not 24 hours have passed because of people who don’t wait 24 hours.[27] At one time, not everyone was so stringent about the treatment of meat and dairy dishes; in Beit Yosef, Joseph Karo expresses surprise that Baal Haitur allowed cooking dairy in a pot that had been used to cook meat, even the same day.[28]

In the 1500 years that have transpired since the end of the rabbinic period, methods of food preparation have changed dramatically. In developed countries with stringent health regulations and industrial strength dishwashers, we can be reasonably confident that pots, pans, and dishes (unlike grills) will not impart forbidden tastes. Modern cookware and plates are non-porous, and going through an industrial dishwasher would certainly remove tastes as effectively as kashering in boiling water. Any small particles that survived a trip through a dishwasher would certainly meet most people’s definition of a tam lifgam, a disgusting taste, which cannot render something unkosher. Thus, many of the fences relating to dishes might not be relevant today. This may be what has led many observant Jews to overlook these fences in their eating out habits.
. . .
As was stated earlier, if you can avoid eating anything that has more than 1/60 (bitul b’shishim) by volume of a forbidden substance, or that has a forbidden taste, you are not eating anything that is not kosher.

The bitul b’shishim rule is clearly the easier of the two to meet. If you go to a restaurant and order your meal carefully specifying that the meal must not contain any meat substances, asking about potentially troublesome ingredients such as chicken stock in sauce bases, we can be reasonably confident that the food will not contain more than 1/60 of a forbidden substance. But will it acquire a forbidden taste?

The answer is “it depends.” Most restaurants would not grill a piece of fish directly on a grill that had just been used for meat without a very thorough cleaning: it would almost certainly impart an unfavorable flavor. On the other hand, some McDonald’s restaurants serve veggie burgers, but since they are “meat flavored” anyway, they cook them on the same grill with their burgers—and bacon cheeseburgers! Logic would dictate that in such a circumstance there is a serious danger of the food absorbing a forbidden taste, and one should NOT eat such a veggie burger.

Tam k’ikar (the taste is the essential thing) as a standard has a major problem: people’s taste buds differ. Is there a “golden standard,” a particular level of sensitivity, which should be applied? The discussion in the Bavli Chullin 97a implies the standard is a gentile cook. The discussion in the Talmud says that if you dropped a piece of meat into a dairy dish, and you were not sure if it had imparted a meat taste to the mixture, you should find a gentile cook and have him taste it.[43] If a gentile cook can detect the taste of the forbidden substance, it is forbidden for Jews to eat it. Since gentile cooks are not always available, the rabbis ruled that we can rely on bitul b’shishim in those cases. Therefore, the argument about which takes priority, bitul b’shishim or tam k’ikar becomes circular—if you do not have a gentile cook around to taste it, you go back to relying on bitul b’shishim.

This may help explain why eating out in unsupervised restaurants has become so common among the otherwise-observant. When I discussed this issue with a colleague who eats dairy meals in unsupervised restaurants, he shrugged his shoulders and said ”it’s all bitul b’shishim anyway.” There is, in fact, some halakhic justification for this seemingly-offhand response.

Some would argue that we seem to be relying on bitul b’shishim l’chatchila (up front, ahead of time), which is explicitly prohibited by the Shulhan Arukh.[44] Traditionally, it is only permitted to rely on bitul b’shishim in the case of an “accidental” mixing. It would be forbidden to intentionally put even a very small amount of a forbidden substance into a much larger volume of permitted substance, relying on bitul b’shishim. The response to this charge is that as long as the consumer takes care to inquire about the ingredients in the food and the preparation of the food with reasonable diligence, any forbidden substance in the food is both undesired and unintended, and therefore is present in a b’dievad (after the fact) status—i.e., it is accidental—which all authorities agree is permissible.

Those dining in a non-supervised restaurant needs to take care to ask enough questions to satisfy themselves that they are not eating anything forbidden. This means asking about ingredients—especially inquiring after soup bases, sauce bases, flavorings, etc. Some dishes that sound vegetarian, e.g., risotto with mushrooms, might turn out to have been cooked with chicken stock. In addition to asking about ingredients, it may mean inquiring about method of preparation; as mentioned above, a veggie burger prepared on a meat grill could possibly pick up the taste of the meat.

What I learn form this is that, with the exception of ensuring that shechita is done correctly, all kashrut certification is unecessary. All one needs to do is make an honest attempt to inquire about the ingredients used, and any noncompliance with the standards of the shulchan aruch is "accidental" and not your fault. And given that the recurring scandals that seem to pop up in the kashrut certification field, it would seem that eliminating hekshers would remove a large amount of chilul hashem. And eliminating the rules about sperate dishes etc. would also go a long way towards increasing observance by making it easier. After all, who says that Torah obervance whould be hard? "It is not in Heaven" (Deut. 30:12), that it should be such a burden.

Truth can be found in fiction, but is all fiction truth?

2006-09-10T10:27:00.000-04:00

OK, I've got to weigh in on this "Path to 9/11" Mock-udrama.

Here we see a conservative weigh in after much anguished internet pilpul:

There is a double standard, in which the Left believes in "fake but accurate." It's how you get an entertainer like Katie Couric reading the news. Perceptions mean everything; facts are inconveniences.

ROTFL!!!

Is this a texbook example of psychological projection, or what?

The author of the this fine quote should spend some time on Daily Kos, and he'd see that (1) Katie Couric isn't exactly regarded as the standard-bearer of the "Left" (whatever that is), and (2) there was a lot of criticism (though not universal) of Michael Moore from the left. (Our author spends a lot of time obsessing about the innacuracies in Farenheit 9/11.)

More to the point, neither Michael Moore (or Katie Couric, for that matter) are, or ever were, sponsored by the Democratic Party. Whatever "sins" Mr. Moore or Ms. Curic are guilty of are totally irrelevant to this issue. The Democrats, especially the ones defamed in Disney's sorry mutilation of history, have every right to be angry.

Now some of you might say, "CA, you're being a hypocrite! Didn't you write that God should have given us a Torah that was an acknowledge work of fiction that, nonetheless contains truth?" If fiction can contain truth, what's the problem with the Path to 9/11?

Yes, dear readers, I did write that. But there's a difference between a Torah based on an acknowleged fantasy story, and fantasy portraying itself has history. The right-wing concept of "truthiness" little more than the "big lie" gussied up in philosophical BS.

I say you can learn general truth about life, the universe and everything from reading Harry Potter (and also the Torah, even if you believe that the Torah was written by JEPD and YHVH.). That doesn't mean that I believe that there is literally a wizard named Harry Potter or a Ministry of Magic, or that the latest Monsey rabbinical ruling about what to do with the treif chickens was revealed on Sinai by a supernatural God.

The right-wing "truthiness" gurus believ that one can derive specific truths about specific people, policies, political parties, etc. from fiction. They believe that because some yarn-spinner insists that Bil Clinton did nothing about Al-Qeda that Bill Clinton really did do nothing about Al-Qada, even though there's an incredible amount of documentation that he did.

And that's the difference between a fantasy-based Torah, and being divorced from reality.

"And he did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD"

2006-09-08T10:59:00.000-04:00

Crossposted to DovBear

Good Shabbos.

That might as well be the motto for the coat of arms of the House of David. I can accept that God annointed David and his descendants as the rightful King of Israel. After all, being omnipotent, God is certainly capable of making mistakes andusing bad judgement. But that doesn't mean that we have to pray to God to request that the Line of David be restored to power. That command isn't in the Torah. We might as well be praying to God to send us more gnerations of the Bush family to rule over us!

I too the time to research the entire Line of the House of David, up to the destruction of the First Temple and the Babylonia exile. Here's to sorry Tale (mostly excerpted from the wikipedia articles on the subject kings):

David: Adulturer and murderer. Got off on the basis of some half-assed "teshuva." (If I had been God, I would have insisted that he divorce Bathsheva and abdicate his throne in favor of hisoldest son.) So Bloody that even God got queasy and told him that he couldn't build the Temple.

Solomon: Overrated in the "wisdom" department. (Would you want someline like him in charge of Child Custody Services?) Plus, he had a thing for shiksas, which ended up introducing idolatry to Israel.

Rehoboam: Whips weren't good enough for this spiritual descendant of Pharaoh, he wanted scorpions. Responsible for the division of the Israelite kingdom. Judah sunk into moral and spiritual decay

Abijam: "Walked in all the sins of his father"

Asa: “Did what was good in the eyes of the Lord" Baruch Hashem! Finally!

Jehoshaphat: "The author of 2 Chronicles generally praises his reign, stating that the kingdom enjoyed a great measure of peace and prosperity, the blessing of God resting on the people "in their basket and their store."" The last time the Jews were ever able to string two good leaders together in a row.

Jehoram: “Abandoned Hashem, the God of his fathers.”

Ahazia: “Under the influence of his mother Athaliah, he introduced forms of worship that the author of Kings found offensive."

Athalia: “Athaliah, as queen of Judah, had all possible successors to David executed except one. However, a grandson of hers named Joash escaped the purge and was raised in secret by the priest Jehoiada. Six years later, Athaliah was surprised when Jehoiada revealed Joash and proclaimed him king of Judah. She rushed to stop this rebellion, but was captured and executed.

The story of her actions is told in 2 Kings 8:25 – 11:16.” Also was known for introducing idol worship. By the way, so much for the feminist conceit that women rulers are kinder and gnetler creature who will end all of the fighting and oppression.

Jehoash: “While the High Priest lived, Jehoash favored the worship of God and observed the Law; but on his death Johoash was led into supporting other gods; Zechariah, the son and successor of the High Priest, was put to death. For these deeds, the author of the Books of Kings believed Jehoash brought down on the land the judgement of God, and it was oppressed by the Aramean invaders. He was buried in the City of David (2 Kings 12:21). “

Amaziah: “Amaziah began to worship some of the idols he took from the Edomites, which the author of Chronicles believes led to his ruin and his defeat by Jehoash, king of Israel whom he had challenged to battle. His defeat was followed by a conspiracy that took his life (2 Kings 14:8-14, 19). He was slain at Lachish, to which he had fled, and his body was brought upon horses to Jerusalem, where it was buried in the royal sepulchre (2 Kings 14:19, 20; 2 Chr. 25:27, 28). “

Uzziah: :In the earlier part of his reign, under the influence of Zechariah, he was faithful to Hashem, and "did that which was right in the sight of the Lord" (2 Kings 15:3; 2 Chr. 26:4, 5); but toward the close of his long life "his heart was lifted up to his destruction," and he wantonly invaded the priest's office (2 Chr. 26:16), and entering the sanctuary proceeded to offer incense on the golden altar. Azariah the High Priest saw the tendency of such a daring act on the part of the king, and with a band of eighty priests he withstood him (2 Chr. 26:17), saying, "It appertaineth not unto thee, Uzziah, to burn incense." Uzziah was suddenly struck with tzaraas while in the act of offering incense (26:19-21), and he was driven from the Temple and compelled to reside in "a several house" to the day of his death (2 Kings 15:5, 27; 2 Chr. 26:3). “

Jotham: Nothing bad to report. (But nothing particularly good, either)

Ahaz: He is said to have given himself up to a life of wickedness, introducing many pagan and idolatrous customs (Isa. 8:19; 38:8; 2 Kings 23:12). He ignored the remonstrances and warnings of the prophets Isaiah, Hosea, and Micah, and appealed to Tiglath-Pileser III, the king of Assyria, for help against Rezin, king of Damascus, and Pekah, Prince of Israel, who threatened Jerusalem. This brought a great injury to his kingdom, and his own humiliating subjection to the Assyrians (2 Kings 16:7, 9; 15:29).

Hezekiah: These sources portray him as a great and good king, following the example of his great-grandfather Uzziah. He introduced religious reform, reinstated religious traditions. He set himself to abolish idolatry from his kingdom, and among other things which he did for this end, he destroyed the "brazen serpent," which had been relocated at Jerusalem, and had become an object of idolatrous worship. A great reformation was wrought in the kingdom of Judah in his day (2 Kings 18:4; 2 Chronicles 29:3-36). The author of 2 Kings ends his account of Hezekiah with praise (18:5).

Menashe: A refutation of the maxim that “the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.” Hezekiah definitely needed parenting lessons. The naughtiest king in the whole history of Judah. Paganorama. On the other hand, after a captivity in Babylonia (2 Chron 33), he partially repented, but made no thorough reforms.

Amon: More moral decay

Josiah: A sincere reformation and elimination of Menashe's idolatrous practices. For all his faithfulness to Hashem, his reward was to be killed in battle.

Jehoahaz: “And he did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his fathers had done.” Ended up as a captive to Necho II in Egypt.

Jehoiakim: Tried to double cross his rightful liege Lord (Babylonia). Call him the patron saint of Ariel Sharon, who was doing a similarsame thing to his American overlords withiut even taking the sensible course of finding another ally. Returned to old idolatry. Set in motion the events that ended with the destruction of the Temple.

Jeconiah: “And he did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his father had done. “

Zedekiah: The Last King of Judah. “And he did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD,” He double-crossed the Babylonians, and got the destruction of the Temple for his trouble. Maybe we should call him the patron saint of Ehud Olmert.

So there you have it. The sorry record of the Line of David. Out of 22 kings, you get David and Solomn, who are both flawed characters, 5 good kings (Asa, Jeshosephat, Jotham, Hezekiah, and Josiah), 2 kings who started off good, but backslid: Jehoash and Uzziah, and 13 kings who were so bad they make George W. Bush look good. Tell me agan why we pray to have this line of sorry-assed poor performers retored to power?

Mashiach? We don't need no steenkin' Mashiach!

Israel: A Paper Tiger

2006-09-06T14:40:00.000-04:00

Crossposed to DovBear

Looks like the Big Tough Jews of Israel have failed again. Their embargo against Lebanon is folding fast, evenbefore the Germans(!) come to help the Jews.

http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/759498.html

The DPA German news agency reported on Wednesday that an Israel Defense Forces officer admitted that the army could not enforce an air blockade over Lebanon and prevent civilian aircraft from landing at the Beirut airport.

"We regret the fact, but we have no choice. We do not want to hit civilian planes," a military official was quoted as telling the German news agency, when asked whether Israel would allow civilian aircraft to break the air blockade.

Meanwhile, an airliner from a British Airways franchise took off from London's Heathrow Airport earlier Wednesday for a direct flight to Beirut, in what it said would be a breach of the air embargo imposed at the start of the war with Hezbollah eight weeks ago.

The announcement by British Airways franchise partner BMED also coincided with efforts by Annan to get Israel to lift its air and sea blockade of Lebanon.

"British Airways/BMED is breaking the air embargo and flying into [Beirut's] Rafik al-Hariri International Airport tonight," the company said in a statement.

BMED's commercial director, Jonathan Grisdale said the airline was resuming flights to Beirut after securing assurances from the British government it was safe to do so.

"The blockade is still in place," Grisdale said, denying that BMED had sought Israel's permission for the flight.

"We are a U.K. civil airline trying to operate a lawful service in Lebanon," he said by telephone from London. "Our government has given us clearance and permission that we can operate safely and securely on that basis."

An IDF spokeswoman said permission to land in Beirut is granted to any flight that meets unspecified criteria.

"Yesterday 20 flights were permitted to land," she said. "There is obviously an interest to let whoever wants to return [to Lebanon] for humanitarian reasons do so."

Lebanon's Middle East Airlines and Royal Jordanian began flying regularly into the capital last month, but have complied with Israel's insistence that all such flights go via Amman. Qatar's national airline began flying commercial flights into Lebanon earlier this week. Israel said it had coordinated the flight, but Qatar Airlines said it had gone ahead without Israeli permission.

Gulf Air said Wednesday it was resuming commercial flights to Lebanon, with the first flight to be operated on Saturday.

The utter bankruptcy of the ideology of Olmert, Peretz, and the quasi-Likudnik Israeli "center" is laid bare for all to see. The Big Tough Jews think they can bully their neighbors, but when push comes to shove, they're not willing to start a war with counties that can fight back. Of course, I suppose Olmert and Kadima are better than Netanyahu and Lieberman, they would probably be crazy enough to shoot down the planes and really start WW 3.

A chance to rewrite the Bible

2006-09-03T09:17:00.000-04:00

(Cross-posted to DovBear)

Something that has alway bothered me about the Bible is why did the authors (whether it was God or a commttee of Judahite scribes insist on basing their Holy Book on factual history? There may have been some short-term politicalbenefits, but in the long run, the fact that the tales of the Tanakh can be tested by scientific means can only result in people eventually rejecting the whole thing as fantasy, throwing the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. And even people who do believe in it as literal truth end up following a distorted version of the Torah's main teachings: They worry more about a supernatural God's political promise to an extinct tribe or the alleged supernatural consequences of failing to observe ritual law than they worry about "love they neighbor as thyself" or the other great moral and ethical teachings. In fact, the "morality" that is emphasized is tribal, violent, and unworthy of God's true teachings.

Thus, I wonder why didn't God just give us a Torah that, up front, was presented as a finctional fantasy. After all, most fiction that I read today contains more truth than the stuff presented as journalism. If all of the laws of the Torah were presented in the context of fiction, perhaps people would focus on the morality and ethics andnot try to justify tibal wars.

As an example and thought experiment, let's imagine the Torah if it were set in Middle Earth instead of the ancient Near East. Let's say that the basic story was that God gave Frodo a ring with great powers and told him to go to Mt. Doom with an army of hobbits, to destroy the ring, as a test (becuase using the ring would corrupt the user). As part of Frodo's quest, he would have to make alliances with dwarves, elves, and men, some of whom might not believe in God (more tests-- how could Frodo keep the alliances without betraying God). Finally, at the end, Frodo destroys the ring (or maybe he fails the test, but Gollum snatches the ring and falls to his death, etc.) All the time during this quest God is giving the Hobbits all of the Laws of the Torah, oral and written as we know them.

After the Ring is destroyed, God gives the Hobbits the land of the Shire. But the Hobbits grow fat, forsake theTorah, and start up with the idolatry. So God sends prophets, etc. But it doeslittle good, so God sends the Orc-king to defeat the Shire and send the Hobbits into galut, with the promise that, once they suitable repent of their sins, God will restore them to their land. (And to end the work on a nechemta, God inlfuences King Aragorn (who defeated the orcs) to allow the Hobbitish exiles in Gondor to return to the Shire and rebuild Bag End.)

Such a tale would have the advantage of making the Torah available to all the people of the world, rather than just one tribe. Anyone can consider him or herself a spiritual descendant of the Hobbits by accepting the Torah. And there's no complications about what to do with the tribe of people who were involved in the story, as they are non-existient and imaginary. Furthermore, if we all accepted that the tales were fiction, we could save ourselves the trouble and wasted time (not to mention bitter feelings) involved in struggling to reconcile Torah and Science.

So here's my challenge to all you fan-fiction fans: How about rewriting the Torah (oral and written) to be rest in the world of Middle Earth? Let's see if it can be done, and then we'll worry about getting copyright authorization from the Tolkien estate.

Tisha B'Av, why bother fasting?

2006-07-30T21:31:00.000-04:00

I've always had a problem with Tisha B'Av. Given the Bible's account of the behavior of the Jews during the last years of the Kingdom of Judah, the destruction of the Temple and the political sovereignty of the Davidic dynasty was a just and proper action for God to take, and may have actually prevented the Jews from becoming just another vanished petty kingdom of antiquity. And given the Sinat hinam and Jewish terrorism during the last days of the Second Temple, God's judgement was also appropriate. So why the tearing out fo the heair, and especially, why the fasting.?

Well, one might argue that we're not so much mourning the destruction of petty kingdoms and Holy Barbecues, we're mourning our fellow rank-and-file Jews who had to suffer death and disposesssion because of the actions of their leaders. But as anybody who has spent any time at a shiva house knows, fasting is not a characteristic of Jewish mourning. So what's the deal with Tisha B'Av? Why mess up a perfectly good summer with such practices? Why not just sing a few kinot at daily davening (and on the Shabbos before, for the benefit fot he one-day-a week Jews; after all, they have the "eleh ezkara" on Yom Kippur for the on-day-a-year Jews), and have a nice little fire-and brimstone d'rash dfrom the rabbi warning us about political and spiritual arrognace, and then have a nice kiddush in memory of the victims? If I had the misfortune of being a victim, I'd rather have my memory commemrated by people having a good time, not fasting all day in the middle of the summer, getting dehydrated and becomming all cranky.

So I say, let's eat up on Tisha B'Av, and let the good time roll in memory of our blessed ancestors who had to die for the sins of the leaders of teh Jewish people.

A true tale from the land of "Live frei or die"

2006-07-30T21:04:00.000-04:00

Well, there I was up in New Hampshire, enjoying a nice summer vacation with some rock-ribbed Yankees and one nudnik from the Outer Boroughs. So one evening, we were having dinner in Lebanon. No, not the Lebanon where Hezbollah has rocket laucnhers, I mean Lebanon, New Hampshire. , where John Kerry beat George Bush very handily in the 2004 election. We're having dinner at a very nice restaurant overlooking the village green, and I'm about to order a nice steak, when my nudnick friend from New York exclaims, "how can you do such a thing, it's the Nine Days, you're only supposed to eat vegetarian or seafood!" That forces me to explain this custom, as well as the concept of Tisha B'av, to our Yankee co-diners, who have been to many shiva houses, and are somewhat bewildered by the inconsistency between personal and national mourning customs among the Jewish people. (more on that in my next post.)

Well, no problem. When the waitress comes by, I make my order -- "frutta di mare," pasta with seafood. OK, so the seafood includes calimari, mussels, and shrimp, but it's not meat, so I get my s'char for observing the custom of the Nine Days, even if I'm going to get aveirah points for eating the forbidden sea delicacies. It's a good thing I don't believe that God really cares about this stuff. If anything, He'd punish me for going to New Hampshire and ordering shrimp instead of "lobstah."

By the way, anyone who thinks global warming isn't real should come up to New Hampshire and spend a vacation (Maine will do in a pinch.) The lake was so warm the summer, that I was able to jump right in, and swim out to the raft without my lips turning blue! Not to mention the fact that my Dad just bought air-conditioning for his house. I thought I was in the Bahamas or something, or at least a version of the Bahamas with balsam-fir forests, maple syrup for sale, and white natives with down-east accents.

Another good reason to retire Senator Lieberman

2006-07-16T20:29:00.000-04:00

OK, so I don't live in Connecticut, but Senator Lieberman's actions affect me, too. So if there are any Nutmeggers amongst my readers, here's another reason why the Senator should be sent to an honorable retirement:

(God help me for pointing to a Newsmax URL, and watch out for the pop-up hell that might result)

An alternative summary can be found on Hullabaloo:

Sunday, March 27, 2005 9:36 p.m. EST
Lieberman Backs Life for Schiavo
Former Democratic vice presidential candidate Joseph Lieberman says if it were up to him, he'd reinsert Terri Schiavo's feeding tube in order to keep her alive.
"I don't," Lieberman said. And though he said Shays' statement was "a very credible and respectable opinion, the fact is that, though I know a lot of people's attitude toward the Schiavo case and other matters is affected by their faith and their sense of what religion tells them about morality, ultimately as members of Congress, as judges, as members of the Florida state Legislature, this is a matter of law. And the law exists to express our values.

"I have been saying this in speeches to students about why getting involved in government is so important. I always say the law is where we define the beginning of life and the end of life, and that's exactly what was going on here," Lieberman continued.

"And I think as a matter of law, if you go - particularly to the 14th Amendment, [you] can't be denied due process, have your life or liberty taken without due process of law, that though the Congress' involvement here was awkward, unconventional, it was justified to give this woman, more than her parents or husband, the opportunity for one more chance before her life was terminated by an act which was sanctioned by a court, by the state."

Digby counters with this comment:

Lieberman grossly misrepresented the legal issues and endorsed the novel conservative theory that a married adult's parents should have equal say in these situations as his or her spouse --- but that doesn't make him a bad guy, right? And while the vast majority of Americans may have disagreed with this outrageous government intrusion (that he mildly calls "unconventional") you can't really hold it against him. He's a man of integrity with deep religious beliefs.

With all that talk about the law choosing when life begins and ends, how long before Joe switches on abortion? He's hedging on birth control already. It's only a matter of time...

And of course, religious beliefs are all well and good, but which religious beliefs? And what about that line that "a married adult's aprents should have equal say in those situations as the spouse." Of course, what the wingers believe is that the parents should have greater say, but then only in cases where the parents believe in fundamentalist Christian doctrine.

It's interesting, I just read a passage by R' Elliot Dorff, a prominent Conservative rabbi and scholar, who pointed out that halacha requires adult children to disregard the wishes of their parents if those wishes contradict halacha. The case he cited was a parent who wishes to be cremated, which is, of course, against halacha. But I suppose it could equally apply to a parent's living will that doesn't meet the halachic specifications of the children. God help me, I hope none of my kids ever becomes Orthodox and tries to force me to spend 10 or more years as a living vegetable.

Israel -- A strategic burden for the USA?

2006-07-16T10:15:00.000-04:00

I think the day may come soon when we American Jews will have to choose between loyalty to the State of Israel or loyalty to the USA. Israel's recent actions, which are totally disproportionate to the provocations, may be nothing more than an attempt to constrain American foreign policy:

Some Questions Regarding Israel's Objectives: Is Israel Trying to Curb America's Deal-Making in Middle East?

Why is Israel pounding most of Lebanon rather than just the South and rather than pinpointing its attack against Hezbollah assets? Why the dramatic bombing of explosive fuel centers? The attacks both in Gaza and in Beirut seem made for Fox News, CNN and the next Schwarzenegger movie.

I think that there is little doubt that a significant part of the explanation can be attributed to the fact that Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and his more liberal partner in this effort, Amir Peretz -- now Defense Minister -- are not former field command generals and want to demonstrate that they can be responsible stewards of Israel's national security -- and that they won't be timid in using Israel's military capabilities.

But that doesn't explain it all. The Israeli response to the Hezbollah incursion is exactly what Hezbollah wanted. (my emphasis) Adversaries rarely give each other the behaviors the other actually desires unless there are other objectives involved.

My view is that three broad threats were evolving for Israel from the American side of the equation. One one front, the U.S. will be attempting to settle some kind of new equilibrium in Iraq with fewer U.S. forces and some face-saving partial withdrawal. To accomplish this and maintain any legitimacy in the eyes of important nations in the region -- particularly among close U.S. partners among the Gulf Cooperation Council states -- America "might have" tried to do some things that constituted a broad new bargain with the Arab Middle East. The U.S. had even previously flirted, along with the Brits, in trying to get Syria on a Libya like track and out of the international dog house.
There was also pressure building to push Hamas -- or at least the "governing wing" of it -- towards a posture that would move dramatically closer to a recognition of Israel. Abbas was becoming increasingly entrepreneurial in creating opportunities for the constructive players in Hamas to squirm towards eventual negotiations with Israel that could possibly be packaged in terms of "final status negotiations" on the borders and terms of a new Palestinian state. George W. Bush is the first President to actually call the Palestine territories "Palestine" and may have eventually come around on trying to pump up Abbas's legitimacy as the father of a new and different state. I am doubtful of this scenario -- but some in Israel had serious concerns about this unfolding.

Lastly, despite lots of tit-for-tat tensions and enormous mistrust, Iran and the U.S. were tilting towards a deal to negotiate about Iran's nuclear pretensions and other goals.

Some in Israel viewed all three of these potential policy courses for the U.S. -- a broad deal with the Arab Middle East, a new push on final status negotiations with the Palestinians, and a deal to actually negotiate directly with Iran -- as negative for Israel.

The flamboyant, over the top reactions to attacks on Israel's military check points and the abduction of soldiers -- which I agree Israel must respond to -- seems to be part establishing "bona fides" by Olmert, but far more important, REMOVING from the table important policy options that the U.S. might have pursued.

Israel is constraining American foreign policy in amazing and troubling ways by its actions. And a former senior CIA official and another senior Marine who are well-versed in both Israeli and broad Middle East affairs, agreed that serious strategists in Israel are more concerned about America tilting towards new bargains in the region than they are either about the challenge from Hamas or Hezbollah or showing that Olmert knows how to pull the trigger.
Keeping America from cutting new deals in the region -- which many in the national security establishment thinks are vital -- may actually be what is going on, and the smarter-than-average analysts are beginning to see that.

So what happens when the US gets mired even worse than it is now, and the public finally gets the idea that Israel is part of the reason? What happens when there's public pressure to drop support of Israel? What benefits do the United States get from its unconditional support?

Come to think of it, what benefits do most American Jews get from the State of Israel? Why should we care about a ghetto-state where the Orthodox (and the extreme right-wing Orthodox at that) have a hammerlock on the Jewish religion? A state whose president arrogantly humiliates the leader of the largest Jewish religious denomination in the United States. This is merely reflective of the arrogant way that Israel see us us as a bunch of "friers," useful idiots good only for fundraising and keeping American politicians cowed into supporting anything decided in Jerusalem.

There's a lesson from the Tnakh about this:

In his days, Nebudchandnezzar, king of Babylonia invaded. [King] Jehoiakim [descendant of David, king of Judah] became a vassal to him for three years, but then he reneged and rebelled against him. HaShem incited against him troops of Chaldeans...and sent them against Judah to annihilate it, in accordance with the word of HaShem, that he had spoken through his servants the prophets.

2 Kings 24:1-2

In this season of Tisha B'Av, we should remember that God had a good reason for destroying Jerusalem and the Temple, and that one of those reasons was that the Jews betrayed their ally and leige lord. Just as Jehoiakim was crazy to think that he could stand alone against the power of Babylon without divine help, Modern Israel should not be so arrogant as to think that a few nuclear weapons will really protect them from the wrath of the world if Hashem isn't protecting them.

What we don't want to see Jews doing to each other

2006-07-09T10:43:00.000-04:00

The documentary I watched last night, Shanghai Gehtto, included an interview with a womon who told the following story about her father:

Her father was a veteran of the German Army in World War I, and was wounded, which, of course, didn't stop him from getti ng picked up and sent to Dachau for a few weeks before his wife could get the steamship tickets to China. However, his war wound, which may mave caused his death by illness later in China was obtained in the following manner:

This German-Jewish soldier is fighting at Verdun and goes "over the top," and sees a French soldier. Well, like anyone in such a situation, he shoots. So does the French soldier. The both hit each other, and as the German Jew goes down, he hears the French soldier say the "shema Yisrael." What a wonderful world where two Jews get to kill each other!

We Jews of different opinions may argue a lot, and even say hateful things, but, by God (if He, She or It exists), let's never put ourselves in a position where we shoot each other.

Assimilation --NOT a victory for Hitler

2006-07-09T10:36:00.000-04:00

Last night, I watched a documentary that contained some footage of Holocaust survivors ("escapees" would be more accurate, as they managed to get to Shanghai in 1939). One of them gave the old line that if Jews assimilate, it's like giving Hitler a posthumus victory.

While I'm not a fan of total assimilation, I believe this line of thought is incorrect. Hitlers anumus against the Jews was not communal, it was racial. Everyone certainly likes to point out how assimilated the German Jews were, etc., and how they got zapped anyway.

Hitler and the racial anti-semites hated Jewish DNA, not Jewish behavior. That's why they committed mass murder. So as far as I'm concerned, if the Jews were to totally assimilate, then they would intermarry with Aryan gentiles, and before too long, the entire Nordic Arylan race would be "polluted" with the Jewish genetic heritage, even if every single one of those individuals were erlicher frum goyim. Which means that, in the end, Hitler would have lost.

The Rabbinical Assembly shoots down Toby Katz

2006-07-06T21:49:00.000-04:00

Over a year ago, our temporary guest blogger, Ms. Toby Katz, claimed that my attempt to be a true "Conservative Apikoris" was doomed to failure:

There is only one way you can become an apikores in the Conservative Movement. Accept Jesus into your heart.

Well, Ms. Katz' attempt to diss the Conservative movement by insisting it has no standards has just been slapped down, by no less than the Committee On Jewish Law and Standards of the Rabbinical Assembly. A hat tip to Rabbi Barry Leff, who provided me to the RA's Teshuva Links, and this very relevant teshuva by Rabbi David David H. Lincoln:

May an Avowed Atheist serve as a Shaliach Tzibur?

The answer, not so suprisingly, is "no." Not that they insist on a mind-meld to verify belief in the Deity, which is probably just as well, as there are a lot of atheists at Conservative shuls who just keep quiet about it. Not me, though. The apikorsis I'm exploring is of a different kind.

So there, Toby! It's possible to be an apikoris in the Conservative movement without having to believe in Jesus.

A case of the pot calling the kettle "black"

2006-06-21T14:37:00.000-04:00

Europeans back Bush on Iran, North Korea

On North Korea, Schuessel agreed with Bush that the communist country faces further isolation from the international community if it test fires a long-range missile believed capable of reaching U.S. soil.

"It should make people nervous when non-transparent regimes who have announced they have nuclear warheads, fire missiles," Bush said. "This is not the way you conduct business in the world."

I wonder if Bush is jealous.

Jesus made me do it

2006-06-18T22:58:00.000-04:00

Well, I finally posted this rather unusual experience from last winter:

Jesus made me do it!

Mass transit -- A Jewish plot?

2006-06-07T22:14:00.000-04:00

Reading Umberto Eco's Foucault's Pendulum (a far more literate treatment of bizzare European esoteric secret societies than that presented in the Da Vinci Code), I came across this startling little gem: In the imfamous Czarist forgery and Hoax, The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, there appears this bizzare passage:

You may say that the goyim will rise upon us, arms in hand, if they guess what is going on before the time comes; but in the West we have against this a manoeuvre of such appalling terror that the very stoutest hearts quail -- the undergrounds, metropolitains, those subterranean corridors which, before the time comes, will be driven under all the capitals and from whence those capitals will be blown into the air with all their organizations and archives.

So, apparently, the subway trains are not a convenient, practical form of transportation, they are a tool to be used by ZOG in their quest for world domination. I don't think my morning commute will ever be the same again. This passage may also explain why all the right-wing nuts are opposed to financing mass-transit projects -- besotted on the Protocols they believe them to be a tool of the Jews.

Now in Eco's novel, he really ran with this, having his character weave a weird association between the Protocols, the Masons (which are prominently mentioned in the Protocols), the Templars, the Illuminati, the Druids, and God knows what else I missed.

Eco has some additional thoughts on the Protocols here that are worth reading. Apparantly, they even blamed the French Revolution on us. Oh, well.

Why Jews should find something else to worry about besides The Davinci Code

2006-05-14T07:33:00.001-04:00

David Kinghoffer is getting thevapors:

Why Jews Should Worry About ‘The Da Vinci Code’

David Klinghoffer

With the release of the Sony Pictures version of Dan Brown’s mega-selling “The Da Vinci Code” in two weeks, worries continue to mount among traditional Christians about both the book’s and the movie’s impact. Should non-Christians be concerned?

Yes, we should. Jews in particular need to be aware of the gift Brown has given, in all innocence, to anti-Semites.

Klinghoffer's logic is basically this:

The story is about a secret society whose beliefs are opposed to that of the Roman Catholic Church and who belive that the Catholic Church suppressed the truth in order to take over the world.
The Jews have beliefs that are opposed to the Roman Catholic Church
Anti-Semites in the past have used the imagry of a secret society of Jews who want to take over the world. ("Protocols of the Elders of Zion")

Therefore, the Davinci Code will foment anti-semitism.

The flaws in this line of reasoning should be obvious.

In fact, I doubt that Kinghoffer even read the book, which shouldn't be too hard of a task, adter all, it's a simple action-adventure thriller, not some sort of heavy philosophical tome.

Here is a commentary on Mr. Klinghoffer's words:

In both conspiracy theories (i.e the antisemitic "protocols," and Dan Brown's "Priory of Sion"), an ancient world religion turns out to be a massive fraud perpetrated to gain or maintain power.

In the Book, the Priory of Sion is depicted as a very low-profile organization, more interested in keeping its secret than in any sort of world domination.

Meanwhile the Catholic Church plots to suppress forever the truth about the “sacred feminine.” Opus Dei is willing to go to any lengths, including murder, to keep the male church hierarchy in power.

This is not the story!!! Read the f---ing book!

WARNING *****SPOILER ALERT****

The the story, both the Vatican and the head of Opus Dei are played for suckers by a secular historian, who wants the secret of the Holy Grail revealed, and who thinks that the Priory of Sion is not willing to do so. In fact, the Vatican comes off in Brown's fantasy as being rather progressive -- they want to disassociate themselves from Opus Dei becuase of it's aggressive recruiting, old-fashioned view of the role of women, and it's, shall we say, lax supervision of those undergoing corporeal mortification. The head of the Opus Dei, Bishop Aringarosa, wants to find the Grail and save the Church by destroying its secret, but when he finds out that his mad monk was manipulated (by the secular guy, no less) into killing a bunch of members of the Priory, he is aghast, and ends up giving a whole bunch of money to their survivors.

The real villain is a secular guy, not the Catholic Church, not Opus Dei, not the Priory of Sion.

I really wish someone would point this out, as there's is going to be an increased flow of BS on this matter now that the release of the movie is imminent.

Rather than taking traditional Christian beliefs at face value and arguing against them (as I do in my current book, by the way), Brown portrays the religion itself as resting upon a conscious deception. That excuses him from having to make arguments at all.

Anti-Semites do the same thing. Rather than coming out honestly against Darwinism or Marxism or modernity in general, they concoct a story about Judaism as a lie and a conspiracy.

I don't see how claiming that the Council of Nicaea perpetrated a hoax to rule the world (whether that's really true or not) is the equivalent to claiming that the Jews perpetrated Darwinism or Marxism in order to rule the world (which is definitely not true). The historic record shows that the Catholic church eliminated Gnostic Christians. The historic record also shows that Judaism has nothing to do with Darwinism or Marxism. (Darwin was an ordained Anglican minister and Marx was a Christian of Jewish origin who more of less rejected his Jewish heritiage.)

Yet to the cause of conspiracy theorizing, he has done a wonderful favor, training his readers in the habits of paranoia and gullibility. For people committed to finding the truth through investigation and argumentation, that’s depressing.

Americans don't need Dan Brown to "train" themselves into habits of paranoia and gullibility. Look at the results of the last several elections.

As for Jews, we haven’t fared well when the culture we live in turns to entertaining fantasies and delusions at the expense of an unfashionable religion. The success of Brown’s book, now transformed into a movie blockbuster, is bad news indeed.

Oh, Mr. Klinghoffer, get a life. Since when are either Judaism or Catholicism "unfashionable?" Even a secular apikoris like me fnds value in Jewish observance, and the same goes for most fo the Cotholics I know, who roll their eyes about some of the theological pronouncements of Pope Bennie, but who send their kids to parochial school and are at Mass every sunday.

Both Chrstianity and Judaism have an element of BS, and people have been pointing that out for at least a couple hundred years. And, in balance, the Jews have been doing quite well, thank you. And, after all, the "unfashionable relgions" themselves entertain lots of "delusions and fantasies" interspersed among the valuable ethical teachings and powerful mythos.

The Jews are starting to see through the GOP

2006-05-07T11:26:00.000-04:00

That is, the Jewish machers (big-shots), who believe that we needed to kowtow to the right wing becuase they were "good for Israel." That was debatable from the beginning, but now, since the GOP and the wingnuts are brazenly trying to use the "good for Israel" meme to lauch a second ill-advised crazy war. it's totally obvious that the right wing (whether American or Israeli) is not only bad for Israel, it's bad for American Jews:

Republican chairman booed at AJCommittee event

The chairman of the Republican Party was booed at an American Jewish Committee event over comments on Iraq.
Ken Mehlman, who is Jewish, said Iraq posed less of a challenge now than under Saddam Hussein.
Mehlman was otherwise politely received when he spoke Tuesday at the AJCommittee’s 100th anniversary celebrations in Washington, and he got warm applause when he said the Bush administration would not tolerate an Iranian nuclear bomb and always would stand by Israel.

Mehlman's shameless pander was obvious. Bust so was the smackdown:

The room burst into applause, however, when AJCommittee board member Edith Everett asked Mehlman to “take a message” to President Bush to stop linking Israel and Iran.
“It does not help Israel and it does not help American Jews to appear to be stimulators of any action against Iran,” Everett said.
She added that “it’s easy to understand why Iran is not worried about us” because Iraq is consuming so many U.S. resources.
Mehlman replied by acknowledging that Iraq was a “challenge,” but claimed it’s “less of a challenge than when Saddam Hussein was in power.”
The room filled with boos and hisses.

My comments:

This is the sort of thing (the fact that ruling party big-shots feel the need to pander, and that the Jewish machers warmly accept such pandering) that makes people think that the "Israel Lobby" or even "The Jooz" control Washington and don't allow for rational discourse about Middle East issues. I'm glad to see at least this first attempt at a mild smackdown. BTW, I can't see how Iran having a few primitive atomic bombs, or even a bunch of more sophisticated ones, is any more and exisential threat to Israel than China having the bomb was an exisential threat to the US in the 1970's. So pairing the Iranian bomb problem with "standing by Israel" was such an obvious pander that it was quickly shot down by the intended audience.

It would have been nice if Ms. Everett could have said with a straight face that American Jewish organizations, **were NOT** "stimulating action against Iran. Unfortunately, a lot of the junk mail I've been getting from these same Jewish organizations (I don't think the AJCommittee was one of them) indicates that the Jewish organizations are getting the vapors (in public, at least) over Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's rantings, which certainly doesn't help calm things down. I wonder who in the American Jewish Establishment is setting up this idiotic Party Line.

Personally, I think Mahmoud's rantings are calculated, designed to goad either the US or Israel into attacking him, the better to get his foes involved in a serious quagmire. This is a tactic, pioneered by the boxer Mohammad Ali, called "Rope-a-Dope." Anyway, Mahmoud is not the sole source of power in Iran, I doubt that Iran is going to try to liquidate Israel any time soon, and using the Bomb to do so would only result in Iran becoming a radioactive slag heap. So everyone shouldn't lose sleep over Mahmoud. Now, Dubya, on the other hand, it's OK to lose sleep over him. I know I do.

I also would like to point out the obvious dangers to the American Jewish community if the general American public ever gets the idea that "the Jews" pushed Bush into an Iran quagmire that is only doomed to fail and may signal the end of the United States as a world power. This would be expecially ironic, considering that most American Jews oppose both the Iraq war and an Iranian adventure. Heck, even the Israelis think Bush and his neocon crew are nuts. But I shudder to think how Bush and Rove will lash out and blame others when this goes sour. Better to be on record right from the start as opposing this idiocy.

Big-Shot Rabbi says it's OK to accept tainted money

2006-04-18T13:24:00.000-04:00

Well, remind me never to learn ethics from rabbis.

Or at least Rabbi Steven Z. Leder, the head rabbibincal honcho at the Wilshire Boulevard Temple in LA.

Rabbi Leder writes in response to the the Jack Abramoff scandal:

All of which brings us back to Jack Abramoff and his ilk. Most people in fund-raising have heard of the 80/20 rule. Eighty percent of the money comes from 20 percent of the people. It stands to reason that most of the money the synagogue or church needs to operate will come from a few families.

So what choice does the clergy really have? We are the ones with the relationships to those families. We have buried their loved ones, married them or their children, brissed or christened their grandchildren, helped get their kids into college or off drugs. The truth is that for most of them it is not so much to the Bible, synagogue, or church that they feel obligated--it’s to us personally.

Let me be clear. Should I use those relationships to benefit the synagogue? Of course. Should I accept the money even when I know the donor’s character or methods of acquiring the money are suspect? Yes. I see no reason why a synagogue or church or any charity for that matter should not try to right a bit of the wrong by putting ill-gotten money to sacred use. It was Mother Teresa who I am told once said about a suspicious donor, “Even the wicked have the God-given right to do a good deed.”

Judaism also teaches that you should never stop a person from doing a mitzvah. Would I put a convicted criminal’s name on a building? No. Would I accept his or her anonymous donation to the synagogue? In a minute. Robin Hood had the right idea. His mistake was stealing from the rich instead of meeting them at the club for lunch and asking.

Wow. What a distorted view of the purpose of the clergy. And, it explains to some degree, why the majority of k'lal Yisrae'l refrains from affiliating with Jewish religious institutions. We've always had this niggling suspicions that our rabbis care more about the rich members of the congregation. Rabbi Leder, in this article, confirms this suspicion.

And the text of the Torah suggests that Rabbi Leder is just plain wrong:

Do not bring a harlot's fee or payment for a dog to the house of Ad-noy, your G-d, in fulfillment of any vow; because Ad-noy, your G-d's abominations are even both of them.
Deuteronomy 23:19

But there is an alternative, and that's in a low-overhead religious community that is completely self-sustaining in its expenses and can safely ignore the 80/20 rule of fund raising. The shul I belong to, "B'nai CA," is a good example. We have less than 200 members, we charge an affordable (in the grand scehme of synagogue dues) $1,000 per years dues (with a special committee for hardship cases and a lower rate for singles.) we own no real extate and pary in rented space, we have a part-time rabbi (our only paid staff) who's not expected to be on call 24/7 and be a cheap alternative to a real professional therapist or counselor. We have weekly Shabbat services, Yom Tov services, and weekly Talmud session, plus some other miscellaneous programming, all for a budget of less than $250,000 per year. We do the occasional fund-raiser, but the bottom line is that whatever our limitations in term of programming, we are not dependent on a minority of wealthy donors who can call the shots. And while anybody or organization could always be tempted by taineted money, we do not have the insatiable need for it just to keep the organization going.

So this is what American jews need to do. Sell their expensive ~~money pits~~ synagogue buildings, get by with a part-time rabbi. Have the members do the work, and don't expect such professional results. Better to have 10 congregations like "B'nai CA" than 1 Wilshire Bouldevard Temple.

Texas: The goyish Israel

2006-03-29T08:00:00.000-05:00

Having returned from my last business trip to south/west Texas and the Hill country, my final observations:

Texas is the goyish version of Israel.

For one thing, the landscape is eerily similar, at least in the vcinity of San Antonio and surroundings. It is the boundary between "the desert and the sown," and it's basically a limestone plateau with some fault escarpments. True, Texas doesn't have the Jordan Rift, but
otherwise the similarities are striking. The San Antonio area is reminiscent of the Galilee, with dusty forests and prickly pear cactus in the undergrowth. As you go west, it get's drier and drier, until, by the time you get to the Pecos River, 40 or 50 miles west of Del Rio, it looks like the Judaean desert. And the grey and tan limestone rock outcroppings are eroded and wethered the same way in both countries.

Socially, there are also many similarities.

Israel consists mostly of people whose lives are driven almost entirely by secular values, but for some reason they defer to (and give political power to) religious extremists. So, too with Texas.
Israel consists of many people who have very progressive ideas, yet the general political atmosphere is that of paranoia and borderline racism. So, too, with Texas.
Israel has Moroccans, who are second-class citizens, and Arabs, who are many classes below that. Texas has Mexicans (Tejanos) and schvartzes (sometimes referred to by the "n" word, though, thankfully, people don't use that in public much anymore.) (Check out the Website of Amir Peretz, an Israeli politician of Moroccan descent -- He even looks like a Mexican, and many redneck Israeli voters react to him about the same way redneck Texans would react to a Tejano politican.)
In Israel, the Ashkenazi white-bread ruling class chows down on Arab and mizrachi cuisine. In Texas, the red-neck Anglo ruling class chows down on mexican food.
Arab and Mizrachi cuisine relies heavily on hot chili peppers. So does Mexican and "Tex-Mex" food.
Israel has a heavily guarded border, with the security forces creating "drags" in the dirt, sand or gravel, to detect the footprints of people who have entered the country illegally. The border regions of Texas are similar.
You can buy kiddush wine and yartzeit candles in the supermarket in Tel Aviv. You can also buy kiddush wine and yartzeit candles at the supermarkets in San Antonio, Del Rio, Uvalde, and Laredo.

Perhaps you, my loyal readers can find other similarities ebtween these two great nations.

Rabbi Jack freaks out: Amalek is at our door!

2006-03-09T14:56:00.000-05:00

Different "Rabbi Jack" than Dr. Wetheimer, this is Jack Reimer, who really is a rabbi, God help us.

As reported extensively in Canonist, the good rabbi (who has providing rabbinic advice to President Clinton as part of his resume), created quite a stir recently with a sermon that claimed that Islamic fundamentalists were Amalek. Yup, the same Amalek who we are supposed to "always remember" to "blot out their memory."

Now, you have to admit that always remembering makes it hard to blot out the memory, but, hey, that's what God allegedly commanded us to do.

Well, Rabbi Jack took some heat and tried to clarify what he meant (always a bad sign when you have to do that). Here's my rather emotional (perhaps overly so) commentary, "fair and balanced," as they say over at Fox:

What a disingenuous sleazeball! Makes me ashamed to be affiliated with the Conservative movement.

He's a wuss, a nervous nellie, who gets the vapors because a bunch of naughty Muslims have a few riots. He sees those riots and immediately attributes this sort of behavior to all "fundemantalist" Muslims. He should have spent a little more time to research the matter and find that there were significant numbers of fundamentalist Muslim leaders, including the Egyptian Islamic Brotherhood, who condemned violence and counseled restraint. Sure, I'm not exactly on these guys' side, after all they want to pass an international treaty to criminalize blasphemy, which I oppose (the idea of a treaty, not blashphemy, which I believe is a fundamental right of every intelligent being, including God, God actually does exist). But it shows that Muslims, including the fundamentalist ones aren't violent crazies.

Then, after tagging all fundamentalist Muslims as violent crazies, he goes on to compare them with the Nazis and the Soviets as the greatest threat to the world of this century. And that their motiviations are pure evil. Which is what makes them "Amalek." Then he slanders "liberals" as saying that they have a "fantasy that people are basically good." Talk about strawman arguments! Is Rabbi Jack a mind-reader that he knows what goes on inside peoples' minds? Liberals aren’t foolish. They know that not everyone is basically good. Listen to them talk about George W. Bush and the neocons.

As for terrorism, sorry, I am not particularly scared by it. Cautious, yes. I don't mind the occasional parcel inspection. After all, I live and work around prime terrorist targets. But the ides that the only way we can survive is by accepting a police state and going after all the Dangerous Brown Men is bogus. I suspect that if I happen to die a violent death before my time, it's more likely the instrument will be some DUI rednecks driving on the wrong side of the road than an Islamic terrorist. Maybe Henry Ford was Amalek?!! :) Also, one should note that Tim McVeigh wasn't an Arab or even a Muslim. So even the danger of terrorism isn’t exclusively a Muslim thing.

Pandering to obsessive fear about Islamic terrorism is a right-wing political tactic that's used to divert the public's attention from other, more serious problems. They do the same thing at a local level, using urban blacks instead of crazy Muslims as the bogeyman. Some suburban white sheep have bought into this to the point that they think going downtown provides a 100% risk of a mugging.

Not that Islamic terrorism isn't a problem that needs attention, but it's not the greatest danger we face. With this sermon, Rabbi Jack has essentially allied himself with the right-wing fear-mongers, whose incompetence in their management of this problem has been amply documented.

He also plays fast and loose with his factual assertions, particularly involving the number of fanatical Muslim fundamentalists and their proportion in the general population of Islam. He admits it:

"“I think it’s a gigantic number…I played with the number three percent as a guess…who are the terrorists, who are these extremists?

"As a guess?!?! In other words, Rabbi Jack, you have absolutely no friggin' idea how many Islamic fundies there are out there. You just pulled a number out of your butt and ran with it like it was factual. Irresponsible? Maybe. Loss of credibility? Definitely.

The terrorists, however dangerous they are, are not the kind of threat to us as were the Nazis or the Soviets. These people do not represent a major world Power with the military might to conquer us or turn us into a pile of radioactive slag. Sure, they can kill people, and it's a little scary (but then so are those redneck DUIs, and they are our neighbors and even look and talk like us). But destroy us? They don't have the capability. If such people are absolute evil, than evil is a pretty pathetic thing, not worthy of God's "eternal war."

And Rabbi Jack is a pretty pathetic excuse for a "spiritual leader."

I transform Rev. Billy Graham into Rabbi Binyomin Grahamofsky

2006-03-09T12:17:00.000-05:00

I really enjoy travelling to Texas. Where else can you find an advice column by the Rev. Billy Graham in the major daily newspapers? Now, as a Jew, I always thought that Rev. Graham had little to say to me (except for his antisemitic slurs in private to President Nixon in 1972, but he aplogized for that), but after reading his columns, I now realize that this guy really has a yiddeshe neshoma (Jewish soul), and with only the smallest amount of editing, his columns wouldbe suitable for inclusion tinto even the most frum Orthodox Jewish newspapers.

Here is an example:

Dear Rabbi Grahamofsky:

Q: Our neighbors love to go ~~gambling on weekends~~ eat out a treif restaurants (we have some ~~casinos~~ really good rib joints and crab houses nearby), and they keep inviting us to go with them. As ~~Christians~~> erlicher frum yidden, we have moral objections to ~~gambling~~ eating treif food, but how can we explain this to them without sounding self-righteous? Or should we go with them occasionally? - T.G.

A: What would you accomplish by accepting their invitation? Yes, you might avoid the embarrassment of turning them down all the time - but that would be all. The Bible sets a high standard for God's people: ~~"Avoid every kind of evil" (1 Thessalonians 5:22)~~ "God said to Moses, 'How long shall this nation continue to provoke Me? .... I will kill them with a plague and annihilate them. Then I will make you into a greater, more powerful nation then they." (Numbers 14:11-12; "The inclination of man's heart is evil from his youth." (Gen. 8:21)

Instead, ask yourself what ~~God~~ Hashem wants to accomplish in their lives, and how He might use you to help them. From what you say elsewhere in your letter, they apparently have no interest in God or ~~the church,~~ frumkeit and their only desire is to live for the moment. But ~~God~~ Hashem loves them, and He doesn't want them to keep living such empty and meaningless lives. God loves them so much that He ~~sent His only Son into the world to die for their sins and bring them into His family forever~~ gave them a Jewish mother to instill in them a sense of Jewish guilt so that they could live thier lives in neurotic obsessive-compulsive angnst forever.

Ask ~~God~~ Hashem to help you see your neighbors through His eyes, and to have the same love for them that He does. ~~Then ask Him to help you be a witness to them of Christ's love and concern.~~ Then pray to Hashem that He may strengthen you in your task of laying on a good Jewish guilt trip on these apikorsim. Let them know you appreciate their invitation, but tell them honestly that ~~this is not the kind of entertainment you wish to pursue~~ trief food is disgusting shmutz, that they are endangering their share in olam haba by eating such dreck, and that every crabcake and pork spare-rib they consume will help ensure that thier children will end up marrying goyim and becomming followers of the Rev. Billy Graham. It's also OK to call them kofrim, and apikorsim to their face and learn with them the halachos that apply to kofrim and apikorsim.

Then pray for them, and ask God to help you be their friends - without compromising your commitment to ~~Christ~~ frumkeit. And as God gives you opportunity, share with them the ~~good news of Christ's forgiveness and new life~~ some shabbos kugel, which has special spiritual powers to turn even the most hardened apikoris into a right wing Orthodox black-hatter.

What happens in Eilat, stays in Eilat

2006-03-08T14:32:00.000-05:00

Senator Santorum, please take note:

British tourist Sharon Tendler has finally made her dream match - by "marrying" a dolphin she has been visiting for 15 years in the Israeli resort of Eilat, the mass-circulation Yediot Ahronot daily reported today.

I know there's a shidduch crisis, but this seems to be going to extremes.

Somebody from the rabbanut agreed to do this?

And I wonder what all those right-wing fundamentalist Christian Republicans who are so hot on Israel would say if they knew that such things were legal in the Holy Land?

(hat tip to Markos Moulitsas Zúniga at the Daily Kos for the link to the article and the idea for the title.)

A night in Boy's Town: Jesus made me do it!

2006-03-02T22:41:00.000-05:00

[WARNING: Some links may contain explicit material of an adult nature.]

"Hey geek," said the curvacious petitte dark-haired bauty with the sultry Latin accent,"you want to have some fun?"

OK, I'll admit that most guys who visit Boy's Town in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico don't sit at a table with a PowerBook blogging away. No wonder the young lady was curious about me.

What, you don't know anything about "Boy's Town?" No, not the one founded by Father Flannigan, we're talking about what the Mexicans can the "Zona Rosa" or "Zona de Toleracion." Yes, we're talking, as you may have figured out had you clicked on the first hyperlink, about semi-legalized prostitution. Rather than allow these activities to get out of hand, the authorities restrict it to certian areas. And the Boy's Town along the U.S.-Mexican border have become a longtime part of the local culture on both sides of the border, a rite of passage for generations of young and not so young Texan men.

"Oy!" you are saying. "Conservative Apikoris, we know you are off the derech, but to sink this low?.... Don't you realize that prostitution is degrading to these poor women who are virtual sex slaves?..."

Well, first off, I'm not sure that visiting such a place is sinking all that low. As I learned while studying for my Bar Mitzvah , the righteous m'raglim (spies) sent by Joshua did exactly what I did -- the crossed over a river into a foreign country and headed straight for Jericho's equivalent of Boystown. As I have posted previously, I interpret the story to mean that if you are on a mission of vital importance to the Jewish people, it is absolutely permissible to do such things.

Second, while I would admit that being a "working girl" in one of these establishments would not be my first choice of employment if I were a young Mexicana, the pay and working conditions, as described to me by the girls, were certainly better than most of the alternative opportunities. These young women might have to work on their backs doing something many consider "shameful," but they are not treated as slaves, they can come and go, and if they want to quit the business, they can certainly so so.

But what was I doing there? Certainly Ms. Apikoris would not be happy, to say the least, had she known I was visiting such a place. But, rest assured, Ms. Apikoris had nothing to worry about. My behavior was blameless.

This excursion wasn't my idea, it was solely the work of Jesus. No, not that Jesus, rather my esteemed colleague Jesus G____, south Texas native, with whom I occasionally work on my visits to the sunny south.

"You gotta see this," he said, "It's as much a Texas tradition as cowboys, barbecue, and George W. Bush!"

"What about the drug gangs?" I replied nervously. Nuevo Laredo had been hit lately with a good bit of shootings between rival cartels.

"No problemo," says Jesus, "they only shoot up other gang members. If you're not involved in the drug dealing, they'll leave you alone. Besides, we'll take a taxi from the bridge."

Which is what we did, a scarifying ride through what appeared to be cruumbling blocks of buildings to a compound surround by a wall with razor wire on top. A police station was at the gate. Well that's a novel experience, visiting a hooker and being protected by the police, not arrested by them.

We entered one of the more "gringo-friendly" bars and are escorted to a table by a very polite and efficient waiter. Jesus ordered shots of tequilla. I'm the designated driver, so I order Agua Minerale. We look over the young ladies whose lack of tz'niyus (modesty) in their dress would cause my frum next-door neighbor back home to blow a gasket. We won't say any more about the activities going on at the dance floor. Anyway, Jesus quickly finds "Sonia," a skimpily clad lady with whom he negotiates a price of $80 for what is quaintly called by the locals a "sucky-fucky." I don't think I need to explain in detail what that involves. Anyway, as Jesus goes off for his tryst, I'm sitting alone, blogging away when "Rebecca," the curvy petite Latina described at the start comes over to chat me up.

So we chat, and I buy her a couple of watered-down $6 "ladies drinks" (from which she gets a kickback) to keep her interest, as my quasi-journalistic instincts make me want to try to understand where she's at.

Of course, Rebecca isn't interested in being a journalist's source. she wants me to pay her $80 (plus $26 for the room, plus $1 for the condom) and have a "fucky-sucky." I explain to her, that, while I'm a bit of a heretic, I am a sort of a religious commentator, so I'm reluctant to engage in such activities. As a consolation, and showed her my blog. She said, that's no problem, she understands, she goes to Mass every Sunday, and even gives some of her earnings as contributions to the Church. I pointed out to her the part of the Bible that forbids such earnings to be given to the Temple, and she responded by pointing out that the Catholic Church is not the same thing, so other rules apply. Oy! A Catholic pilpul artist. I wasn't surprised when she told me that she went to a Jesuit school. I was surprised when she told me that her school was noted for having the most number of graduates who subsequently converted to Judaism. Apparently, the Headmanster was called to Rome to have a little "conversation" with Ratzi about that record. She seemed to think it was funny, and mentioned a few names, one of whom is a guy who davens at my minyan! She asked me to send her regards to "Carlos," but I'm not sure how I would explain the circumstances under which I met his old school chum.

Finally, I knew I was taking up her time and interfering with her parnassah, so I offered her $60 if we could go to her room and "just talk." I don't know whether that's a violation of "journalistic ethics," but considering what's published today, who cares. She seemed rather agreeable, so we went in back to what seemed like a pleasant college dorm room, and I showed her all the J-Blogs. She was very interested, and was really impressed with DovBear and the Gadol HaDor. She was especially interested in their struggles to cleave to their religious traditions, despite the fact that rational truth seems to indicate that it's all BS. Rebecca said she was struggling with the same things, only even worse, as no matter how hard she prayed at church, her only options were to work in Boystown (making a decent living in a life of shame), or be exploited in a manquiladora, or working for Wal-Mart Mexico, or sneaking over the border and making less than minimum wage as a maid. Even if she were to get a Green Card, minimum wage at McDonald's would be the best she could hope for. So why bother believing in God or Jesus, or whatever? She was really impressed that even "rich Americans" were thinking about such things.

"That DovBear or Gadol Hador, of they come down here, I'll give them a special $60 discount for full service," she told me. Mis-Nagid, on the other hand, she thought was being a little arrogant totally rejecting his heritage, so if he came down, he would be on his own negotiating a price. She respected the opinions of Jameel, Classmate-wearing-yarmulke, and Lakewood Yid, but thought they were a little to smug in the certainty of their belief. "They should become Mexicans for a few months and see what their trust in HaShem would be like after doing that for a while." In all, I thought she had a very Jewish attitude, so it didn't surprise me when she told me that her mother locked herself in a closet every Friday night and lit candles.

"Oy!" I said. "You should see a rabbi immediately. You're probably Jewish!"

She said she might. "But I'm a little worried that if I do, the headmaster of my school will really get into trouble with the Vatican."

Anyway, all too sonn the half hour session ended and we went back out into the bar. Jesus was there, grinning from ear to ear. Apparently he had a very good time with "Sonia," and described the shmutzidik stuff they did in great detail on the ride home. I was a bit embarrassed. After all, they guy's name is "Jesus," and the things he did...oy.

I'm getting too old for this kind of stuff. But I did bring back a bottle of $40 reposada tequilla that only cost me $21, so I guess the trip was worthwhile.

The Key to College Success: The Ability to Read Bad Writing

2006-03-01T13:42:00.000-05:00

Study: Reading Key to College Success

The ability to handle complex reading is the major factor separating high school students who are ready for college reading from those who are not, according to a new report.

In complex reading passages, organization may be elaborate, messages may be implicit, interactions among ideas or characters may be subtle and the vocabulary is demanding and intricate.

And to think that in 30 years of my professional career, including two advanced degrees, I've been going down the wrong path. At least if you believe ACT, the testing company that put out this report.

In all of my career of professional writing, I was taught to simplify, simplify. And to write "not only so you can be understood, but also so that you cannot possibly be misunderstood." In other words, the lesson I learned in my life was that "elaborate organization," "implicit messages," "subtle interactions among ideas or characters," and "demanding and intricate vocabulary" are all the marks of bad writing.

On the other hand.....

"Academic success" applies only to being able to handle the demands of an academic environment. And one of the most characteristic feastures of academic writing is that most of it is very bad. So I guess you can make a case that if a student wants to suceed in college they have to be able to read bad academic writing.

This begs the question of whether a college education is really necessary for sucess in most lines of work, but that's the subject of another post.

Wise words on Zionism and the Arabs -- from the 1950's

2006-02-27T22:29:00.000-05:00

What’s wrong with Israel and Zionism? In a nutshell, it’s because they’ve disregarded the voice of people like Ephraim Avneri.

Ephraim who? He was one of the founding members of Kibbutz Hulda, and his words are here quoted (or at least recollected) by Amoz Oz in Oz’s memoir, A Tale of Love and Darknes:

One winter evening [apparently in the mid-1950s], I happened to be on night duty with Ephraim Avneri….I asked Ephraim if he had ever, in the War of Independence, or during the troubles of the 1930s, shot or killed one of those murderers.

I could not see Ephraim’s face in the dark, but there was a certain subversive irony, a strange sarcastic sadness in his voice, as he replaied after a short pensive silence:

“Murderers? What d’you expect from them? From their point of view, we are aliens from outer space who have landed and trespassed on their land, gradually taken over parts of it, and while we promise them that we’ve come here to lavish all sorts of goodies on them – cure them of ringworm and trachoma, free them from backwardness, ingnorance and feudal oppression – we’ve craftily grabbed more and more of their land. Well, what did you think? That they should thank us? That they should come out and greet us with drums and cymbals? That they should respectfully hand over the keys to the whole land because our ancestors lived here once? is it any wonder that they’ve taken up arms against us? And now that we’ve inflicted a crushing defeat on them and hundreds of thousands of them are living in refugee camps – what, d’you expect them to celebrate with us and wish us luck?”

I was shocked. Even though I had come a long way from the rhetoric of Herut and the Klausner family, is was still a conformist product of a Zionist upbringing. Ephraim’s nocturnal words startled and even enraged me. In those days, this kind of thinking was seen as treachery. I was so stunned that I asked him sarcastically:

“In that care, what are you doing with your gun? Why don’t you emigrate? Or take your gun and go fight on their side?”

I could see his sad smile in the dark:

“Their side? But their side doesn’t want me. Nobody in the world wants me. That’s the whole point. It seems that there are too many of my kind in every country. That’s the only reason I’m here. That’s the only reason I’m carrying a gun, so they won’t kick me out of here the way they kicked me out of everywhere else. But you won’t find me using the word ‘murderers’ about Arabs who’ve lost their villages. At least, not easily. About Nazis, yes. About Stalin, also. And about whoever steals other peoples land.”

"Doesn’t it follow from what you’re saying that we’ve also stolen other people’s land? But didn’t we live hear two thousand years ago? Weren’t we driven out by force?"

“It’s like this,” said Ephraim. “It’s really very simple. Where is the Jewish people’s land, if not here? Under the sea? On the Moon? Or is the Jewish people the only people in the world who don’t deserve to have a little homeland of its own?”

“And what about what we’ve taken from them?”

“Well, maybe you happen to have forgotten that in ’48 they had a go at killing all of us? Then, in ’48, there was a terrible war, and they themselves made it a simple question of either them or us, and we won and took it from them. It’s nothing to boast about! But if they’d beaten us in ’48, there would have been even less to boast about: they wouldn’t have left a single Jew alive. And it’s true that there isn’t a single Jew living in the whole of their sector today. But that’s the whole point: It’s because we took what we did from them in ’48 that we have what we have now. And because we have something now, we mustn’t take anything else from them. [my emphais, not Oz's] That’s it. And that’s the whole difference between me and your Mr. Begin: If we take even more from them someday, now that we already have something, that will be a very big sin.”

“And what if the fedayeen turn up here now?”

If they do,” Ephraim sighed, “well, we’ll just have to lie down in the mud and shoot. But we won’t shoot at them because they’re a nation of murderers, but for the simple reason that we also have the right to live and for the simple reason that we also have a right to a land of our own. Not just them. And now, thanks to you, I’m going on like Ben Gurion. Now, if you’ll just excuse me, I’m going into the cowshed to have a quiet smoke, and you keep a good lookout here while I’m gone. Keep a lookout for both of us.”

It wasn’t enough for some Israelis to simply have a homeland, or a place where Jews could live. They had to commit the “very big sin,” and keep grabbing more and more. They do it because they think that a smashing military victory makes them a “great power,” they do it it because they think that they will bring on the messiah. But whatever their reasons, what they’ve done with Israel has turned me off of Zionism. I can only hope that one day, the Israelis will come to their senses, and the rest of the Jewish world will stop being enablers to very big sin.

You can't escape us .....

2006-02-13T23:06:00.000-05:00

Better not plan on getting cremated in Israel:

Shahar Ilan, the intrepid religion reporter for the Israeli newspaper Ha'aretz publishes the following:

Monopoly on Dead Bodies

(you'll have to scroll down, it's the second part of the article)

Last week, an old point of contention between the religious (and particularly the ultra-Orthodox) and the secular was rekindled, one that has been nearly forgotten in recent years: the war over dead bodies. The war included a relatively old subject, autopsies, and a new subject, cremation. On Tuesday, the struggle hit a new peak, with hundreds of Haredim protesting in the Mea She'arim neighborhood in Jerusalem and at the Forensic Medicine Institute in Abu Kabir. And on Monday, the Chief Rabbinate Council decided to adopt sanctions against persons who die and have instructed that their bodies be cremated. (emphasis mine)

Ahem. What kind of sanctions can these rabbis make against people who are already dead. Unless this Chief Rabbinate Council contains some really big kabbalists who can go to the World to Come.... :)

Reading the article, further, it seems that what the rabbis are going to do is deny a Jewish burial to anyone who has been cremeated. And they're not going to observe shiva or follow any of the other mourning customs.

I realize that cremation is against traditional halacha, but who are these rabbis to tell people who aren't their followers hot to mourn their dead? Why punish the family for the transgression of someone else? I thought one principle of Judaism is that people are only punished for their own sins. I understand that, in the case of suicide, at least, many (most?) Orthodox rabbis, while they will not allow burial in a Jewish cemetery, certainly allow the family to observe the mourning rituals.

Better Send Vice-President Cheyney to Israel

2006-02-13T22:59:00.000-05:00

It seems that the beautiful Israeli town of Rishon LeTzion is being overrun by 50,000 to 100,000 stray cats. And the town is fighting back by passing an ordinance requiring the local animal lovers to get permits if they wish to continue feeding these critters

Sarit Ayalon, 44, of Rishon Letzion, has been feeding stray cats since childhood. She goes to the window and calls Prince, a furry black cat who is her favorite among the six cats she cares for. Ayalon's love costs her over NIS 1,000 each month for food and medicine, and she also has them spayed and neutered. "It's all out of my own pocket, and I don't ask help from anyone. Instead of buying myself another outfit I spend the money on antibiotics and food," she says.

However, a new bylaw passed by the municipality a few months ago has sparked a wave of protest among the city's cat feeders and animal welfare organizations. According to this law, any resident who feeds a cat will have to obtain a special permit, after meeting strict criteria: setting up an orderly "feeding station" approved by city hall, spaying or neutering and ensuring that only the number of cats specified in the permit eat from the plate. Residents who fail to comply with the new regulations will be fined NIS 600.

Now I like cats, but they never taught me in Hebrew School that the Promished Land was also the stray cat capital of the world.

Well, they could send Vice President Cheyney t the rescue, though everyone in town would want to pay very close attention as to where his Gun is pointing!

Another Astounding discovery about Texas

2006-01-29T21:48:00.000-05:00

If you read my previous post, you will know that Jason's Deli gave me enough corned beef in their gousih Reuben sandwich to feed the average Third world village for a week. Thusk, I decided to skip dinner, but I did stop in the HEB store in a small south Texas town (aka "God's country") to get a snack and some alcoholic beverage.

The grocery stores here limit their alcohol sales to beer & wine, and I wasn't in the mood for Beer. Perhpas it was the six-pack of Lone Star I bought on my last trip that gave me a headache and gas pains. I was only able to drink one bottle, I left the rest for the hotel maid. I guess that was OK, they didn't call the police the next time I checked in. But no, I think I just wanted something cold, sweet, and not too filling. But not "Jack Daniels Country Cocktails"

These are "alcopops" that the activists like the Center for Science in the Public Interest claim are inducing teenagers to drink. Well, the CPSI may have data to support its claim, but in my experience, if these alcopops were the only alcoholic beverages arounbd, I'd have no problem keeping dry. They, like the Lone Star Beer, gave me gas pains and a headache.

But I had a powerful thirst, and I wanted to kill a few brain cells in the bargain. But what to drink? A bottle of wine? No, too much, and after it's uncorked, it goes bad. But I look some more, and what do I see in the chiller right next to the alcopops, but an older favorite: Woodchuck Draft Cider!

I can't believe it. Here in the heart of Red State God's Country. They actually sell a product from granola-crunching Vermont! And a product I happen to like. Well, I've downed half a sixpack, and so far, nothing but a pleasant buzz, no gas, no headache. Obviously because, unlike the products of mass-marked breweries (and alcopops are basically just sweet flavored beer), Woodchuck is nothing more than fermented apple juice, no chemical additives.

But still, I don't know what's happening to Texas. First, I find a very well-made Chardonnay (Becker Vinyards). made in Texas What's going on? Chardonay is the drink of effete Ble-staters like John Kerry. A real manly Texan eat beef and only beef, and chardonnay doesn't go with beef. Real Manly Texans drink Lone Star Beer with their barbecued beef and grilled steaks, unles they're obscenely rich oilmen, in which case, they drink red wine from fancy Bordeaux first growths. Chardonnay? From Texas? And now I see that they also drink wimply Vermont cider.

Oy, what;s the world coming to? How will to make sense of the world through simplistic cultural stereotypes. What will I find out next? That people in New England like country music? That not all Jews are smart?

The world is too complicated. Better open anpother bottle of Woodchuck.

Texas Jewish Deli alert -- Bware the goyish sandwiches, even if they taste OK

2006-01-29T21:07:00.000-05:00

So, on a mission of vital importance to the Jewish people, here I am blogging from a South Texas hotel room. I had a nice day driving my poseur SUV across the range, observing what pastrami and corned beef look like while they're still alive. But when I returned to San Antone, I was mighty hungry, and lots of interesting Barbecue joints and Tex-Mex places flashed by on the 410 Loop, and I couldn't figure out which exit I was supposed to use to get to these places. This is the curse of the Frontage Road, the evil gift of Texan highway engineers to frustrated motorists and suburban sprawl.

Finally, in desparation, I just slid off the freeway, and rode down a frontage road. What did I see but an establishment called "Jason's Deli," which, as I found out when I entered the place, is a chain that is metastisizing across the southwest, the south, and the Great Plains. Well, I was hungry, and, with some trepidation, despite the appetizing smells emanating from kitchen I ordered a Reuben.

Soon enough , the Reuben arrived, and what can I say? It was goyish. Not bad, but goyish.

Oy! all you frumsters, Orthodox or Conservative, will say. What do you expect, a Reuben is, by it's nature, treif. It's corned beef sauerkarut, russian dressing and Swiss Cheese on Rye. Milk and meat. Treif! Treif! Treif! Of course it's treif. I can see them telling me, you should have looked up the web site for Congreation Rodefei Shalom, which has information about the local Va'ad, or

DELIcious Foods
7460 Callaghan Rd. #300
San Antonio, Texas 78229
Phone: (210) 366-1844

Or at the very least, just go into any H.E.B store, there's plenty of stuff with hekhshers, even local Tex-Mex cuisine stuff. Yes, I can hear it now. Why, CA, you nudnik, do you order a treif menu item and then complain about it being "goyish?"

Well I say you're all wrong. Just as I, CA, am an apikorus, not a goy, there are dishes that are treif, but not goyish, and the Reuben in one of them. I'm sure Lenny Bruce did a skit about this....Reuben Sandwiches are Jewish, Tuna Salad sandwiches (even ones with a hekhsher) are goyish...

What made Jason's Reuben goyish? The corned beef wasn't bad, and they did pile it high in true New York Style. No, the problem was that they didn't grill the damned thing. A true Reuben has to be grilled on a scuzzy-looking griddle using too much stale oil, and lots of black stuff from the griddle have to be incorporated onto the outer surface of the grilled bread. Also, the cheese needs to actually melt onto the meat, thus ensuring that the halachic prohibition against cooking meat and mik is truly violated. Also, to my taste, the ratio of sauerkraut to beef and cheese should be rather low.

Jason's chefs violated all thse rules. The sandwich was assembled and apparently just run under a toaster. In fact, the lower slice of bread was totally soggy and worthless as a sandwich wrapper, and I was forced to eat it with a fork. Of course, the cheese wasn't really melted, and, most definitely, the whole assembly was entiurely too hygienic to rate as an authentic deli Reuben. The whole point of a Reuben is to get a years worth of saturated fats into your body in one sitting, and thus keep your cardiologist employed. Alas, Jason just didn't quite do this.

But it was filling, and thus allowed me to skip dinner and pocket part of my meal allowance from the expense account.

In doing so, I made another astounding discovery about Texas..

More to come...

This is the Torah that Moses Gave to Israel: "Hook 'em 'Horns!"

2006-01-10T19:08:00.000-05:00

I found out last week that Jesus is a Texas fan.

No, not that Jesus, I'm talking about my buddy and colleague Jesus from south Texas. I went down there last week, and all I heard about was the Rose Bowl. But there's one curious University of Texas football tradition that puzzles me.

That is the "hook 'em Horns" gesture.

University of Texas at Austin cheerleader Harley Clark knew what he was going to teach football fans at a 1955 pep rally was going to catch on faster than poodle skirts and leather jackets. It had to. After all, the Texas A&M Aggies' "Gig 'em" gesture had been around for years.
Clark sold the student body on the symbolic approximation of the horns of Longhorn mascot Bevo and, thus, began the "Hook 'em Horns" hand signal.

The salute quickly took its place beside the university traditions of singing The Eyes of Texas and lighting the Tower orange.

Even President Bush has made this gesture.

(I guess he's not planning any visits to USC anytime soon.)

Now some say this gesture is satanic, but they are full of it.

I have seen this gesture in shul. No way it can be satanic.

Yes, in shul. And I've seen it not only in my local Conservative hotbed of apikorsus, but also in some very erlicher frum places. And I don't live in Texas, so it's not a case that the worshippers are Texas fans.

The gesture is made during the ritual of "hagbah'ah," when the sefer Torajh (Torah scroll) is lifted in front of the congregation, and the congregation chants"

"v'zos hatorah asher sam Moshe lifnei b'nei Yosrael:
Al pi adonoi v'yad Moshe."

(This is the Torah that Moses gave to the Israelites, spoken by the LORD and written down by Moses.)

And as the holy scrolls are lifted into the air, what does the Congregation do, it lifts it's hands and gestures as they point to the scrolls: "Hook 'em Horns!" .

Now they never used to do that in shul when I was a kid; this busines only started a few years ago. For the life me me, I can't figure out the significance of this gesture (when used in a Jewish ritual context), and I have not been able to find anyhting about this on the internet. Theonly thing I can think of is that using this gesture is a reminder of the sin of the Golden Calf. By reminding God of this sin, we are asking him to be merciful to us. After all, we might be sinners, but our sins are nowhere near as bad as that of the Golden Calf, and I God could forgive the Israelites for that one, then He can certianly forgive us for the little insignificant sins that we commit.

The only problems with this explantion is that (1) the Golden Calf was probably not a Texas Longhorn, and (2) calfs, even male ones, don't have horns.

If any of my readers has abtter explantion, I will certainly be interested in hearing it. Jesus will also appreciate it, too, so if you don't want to do it for me, do it for Jesus.

What would Jesus eat?

2006-01-08T21:19:00.000-05:00

"While traveling through the Lone Star State,
I lost my lunch before I ate..."

K. Friedman, possible next Governor of Texas

(Q: If elected, can you, make the Democrats and Republicans work together?
A: I'm running for governor of Texas, not God.)

Anyway, I was in this bookstore in Kinky's very own hometown of Kerrville, Texas. (Don't snigger, you arrogant members of the bicoastal elite. They have books in Texas, and they even know whaqt to do with them. And I don't mean burn them. Texas is a much more nuanced, complex place than DovBear's rants indicate. You can even buy kosher food in Del Rio.)

Anyway, as I was searching through the "Religion" section to see if I could find any Judaica --- yeah, I know that's a fool's errand,, but after I found herring and matzah for sale in Del Rio, every time I go to Texas, I look for evidence of members of the tribe where yo don't expect 'em. -- any way, after perusing the 7 shelves of Jesus books, I found on the bargain shelf, a tome called "What Would Jesus Eat?"

I know, I accidently enetered the alternative universe of Christian Health food nuts. (I'm sure there's also an alternative universe of Orthodox Jewish health food nuts, too, but you could,'t tell that from the Shabbos tables of my black-hatter neighbors.)

Anyway, you'll be pleased to know that Dr. Colbert, the author, is sophisticated enough to know that

"Jesus was a Jewboy hisself..."

as Kinky points out in his immortal song "Tramp on the street." Thus, Dr. Colert advocates that all right-wing bible-thumping evangelical Christians eat only kosher meat. Unfortunately, the good doctor must have gotten his information about kashrut from a 19th or early 20th century Reform rabbi, becuase he claims that kashrut was mandated "for health reasons."

Who should volunteer to enlighten the good doctor as to the real meaning of kashrut? Not me, I'm a cynical apikorus, and based on my experience of running a kosher kitchen, I think it's all a plot by the rabbis to drive the Jewish people crazy (as if they don't need any help.) And molst important, this must be done carefully, so as not to disillusion the doctor. Imagine what would happen if all the Chrisitans started eating only kosher meat. Avialability would go up and price would go down. Even cynical little apikorus me might enterain the possibility that mashiach is on his or her way.....

Italy, a great place for atheist troublemakers

2006-01-05T08:18:00.000-05:00

Mis-nagid, or maybe even Rabbi Slifkin, lehavdil, should move to Italy and subpeona some of the gedolim.

Italy apparently has a law that prohibits "abuse of popular credulity." Recently, an atheist who was heavily attracked in a church newsletter sued the Priest, and the latest is that an appeals court ruled that the priest had to appear before the trial court and prove that Jesus Christ existed.

Imagine if Mis-Nagid, or the Gadol Hador or even DovBear were able to supeona their favoraite gadol or "kiruv clown" and force them to prove Torah m'Sinai in open court.

Now, that's entertainment!

I wonder if they required m'tzitza b'peh?

2006-01-02T11:12:00.000-05:00

Ah, the Maccabees, those fine fighters for religious tolerance:

42: Then there united with them {the Maccabees} a company of Hasideans, mighty warriors of Israel, every one who offered himself willingly for the law.
43: And all who became fugitives to escape their troubles joined them and reinforced them.
44: They organized an army, and struck down sinners in their anger and lawless men in their wrath; the survivors fled to the Gentiles for safety.
45: And Mattathias and his friends went about and tore down the altars;
46: they forcibly circumcised all the uncircumcised boys that they found within the borders of Israel.

I Maccabees 2:42-46

And, no doubt, required the use of "metzitza b'peh," which is, if we are to believe the frummer rabbis, the equivalent of Shabbos.

Chappy Hanukkah!

The Macabees -- frum Jews or not?

2006-01-01T10:45:00.000-05:00

Aside from the fact that they claimed both the kingship and the High Priesthood, in violation of jewish tradition, we have this little gem:

25: And Simon sent and took the bones of Jonathan his brother, and buried him in Modein, the city of his fathers.
26: All Israel bewailed him with great lamentation, and mourned for him many days.
27: And Simon built a monument over the tomb of his father and his brothers; he made it high that it might be seen, with polished stone at the front and back.
28: He also erected seven pyramids, opposite one another, for his father and mother and four brothers.
29: And for the pyramids he devised an elaborate setting, erecting about them great columns, and upon the columns he put suits of armor for a permanent memorial, and beside the suits of armor carved ships, so that they could be seen by all who sail the sea.
30: This is the tomb which he built in Modein; it remains to this day.

-I Maccabees 13:25-30

Hey, thhat doesn't seem to comply with the guidelines set ourt by Rabbi Lamm in The Jewish Way of Death and Mourning.

And Toby Katz and the other right-wing frummers think that the Reform are evil becuase of their organ music in shul and the Cinservative are evil because of their lady rabbis.

Well, the holy Macabees went out and bult pyramids!

So there.

Chanukkah -- the rest of the true story

2006-01-01T10:14:00.000-05:00

In our last episode, we saw how the evil Menelaeus (a sort of composite of Jack Abramoff and Tom DeLay) usurped power from Jason, who usurped it from the rightful high priest, Oniais III. There are two points to remember:

1) Jason might have been a Hellenizer, but at least he was a legitiamte priest, and so the frummers (i.e., Mattithias et al) didn't raise too much of stink over Jason's "reforms," amd certainly didn't start an uprising,

2) Antiochus, at this point seemed to be moreinterested in the wealth he could extract from the Temple, rather than the possibility of forcing the Jews to be little Greek clones.

But then Antiochus had the rather bad idea of trying to conquer Egypt. The Romans decided to block this, as they didn't want anybody inteh Eastern Med to get too powerful. So Antiochus was rather deicsively defeated.

Unfortunately, in the days before they had instant telecommunications, the message got garbled, and the word came to Judaea that Antiochus had been killed. Jason, thus thought it was his chance to make his move, and he attacked the forces of Menelaeus in Jerusalem.

The only problem with this was that Antiochus was not dead, and also that Jerusalem was on his "retreat route." You can imagine that Antiochus was more than a little pissed to find out about a rebellion against his puppet ruler and source of Temple wealth. Besides after having his butt kicked, Antiochus was more than eager to kick a little but in return. So he marched his army to Jerusalem, defeated Jason's insurgents, and looted and otherwise desecrated the Temple.

The he started thinking about how to pacify thise quarrelsone Jews in the long term. I suspect that becuase Jason's faction had the tacit support (or at last the non-opposition) of the frummers, Antiochus blamed the rebellion on the Jewish traditionalist. So then he started puttingin place his infamous decrees banning observance of the Torah, whether of the frummer variety or in the form of Jason's "Reform" Judaism.

As we know, the rest is history. But we need to remember what happened after the Macabee victory:

73: Thus the sword ceased from Israel. And Jonathan dwelt in Michmash. And Jonathan began to judge the people, and he destroyed the ungodly out of Israel.

-I Macabees 9:73

As we said, "religious freedom," my ass!

A Chanukah Bush? Not so far fetched.

2005-12-25T16:05:00.000-05:00

Yeah, Chanuka isn't the "Jewish Christmas," but there's justification in traditional sources that says that decoratign with greenery and even a {{gasp}} Chanukka Bush, might be kosher, after all. From the Second book of the Maccabees, chapter 10:

5: It happened that on the same day on which the sanctuary had been profaned by the foreigners, the purification of the sanctuary took place, that is, on the twenty-fifth day of the same month, which was Chislev.
6: And they celebrated it for eight days with rejoicing, in the manner of the feast of booths, remembering how not long before, during the feast of booths, they had been wandering in the mountains and caves like wild animals.
7: Therefore bearing ivy-wreathed wands and beautiful branches and also fronds of palm, they offered hymns of thanksgiving to him who had given success to the purifying of his own holy place.
8: They decreed by public ordinance and vote that the whole nation of the Jews should observe these days every year.

The true story of Channukah, or "Religious Freedom," my ass!

2005-12-25T12:24:00.000-05:00

As a public service we provide our readers the true story of Chanukah. Amazing paralels witgh present-day politics. The more things change, the more they remain the same.

The narrative provided here is abstracted from "The Art Of Jewish Living, Seder Hanukkah," by Dr. Ron Wolfson, 1990, Federation of Jewish Mens Clubs, and from "Chanukah, it's History, Observance, and Significance," By Rabbi Hersh Goldwurm, 1981, Artscroll Mesorah Series, who in turned summarized the contents of the First and Second Books of the Macaabees and Josephus's Antiquities.

Our story begins in 175 BCE when Antiochus IV ascends to the throne of the Seleucid Empire under rather questionable cicurmstances. (His brother and pedecessor Seleucus III was mysteriously assasinated.) Now, this caused a bit of trouble for the Cohen Gadol in Jerusalem, one Chanya (Onias) III, who has considerable utonomy as the local ruler for the Seleucid kings, as they generally didn't care about the deatils of local rules, as long as the taxes were collected. The kings had somewhat more interest in Judaea becuase of it's strategic location as a buffer between the Seleucid heartland and the Ptolomeic empire in Egypt. [Yessir, thank you Hashem our eternal G-d, for giving us a hotly contested peiece of real estate for a Promised Land. ] Chanya at the time of Seleucus's death was doing some serious damage control due to rumors (apparently wildly overstated) of the vast wealth being held in the Beis Ha Mikdash (Temple). These rumors were beibng circulated by disgruntled former tax collectors (who happened to be Jewish), who had been ousted by Chanya due to their greed and cruelty. They also happened to be hard-core Hellenizers, that is, Jews who were more inclined to accept the trappings of Greek culture.

Anyway, when Antiochus ascended the throne, Judaea, not Georgia, was on his mind. Not only becuase of the strategic location, but also because of the rumors of great wealth to be extracted there. In addition, Antiochus apparently was something of a nutcase who could have benefited greatly from the pyschiatric pharmacopeia of the early 21st century CE. Unfortunately, such medication wasn't avialable, and leeches and drilling holes in the head didn't seem to work very well. Antiochus called himself "Epiphanes" (God-Manifest"), his subjects called him "Epimanes" (Nut-case). He was masically and Unstable micro-manager, who also happened to be greedy. (Sound like any people in high positions who you happen to know? :) _ )

Well, with the new administration, the Hellenizing tax-collector faction in Jerusalem was ready to make its move. Chnaya's brother, Yeshua (Jason), offered a hefty bribe to Antiochus to have Antiochus depose Chanya and install Jason as Kohen Gadol. Antiochus, was not only a greedy, mad micromanager, he was also stupid, because he let Jason take power before Jason delivered the bribe. On the other hnad, maybe it was Jason, who was really the stupid one, because he made his move before the deal was closed. In any event, Jason starts making big changes to the Temple, Hellenizing the place, though it's hard to say whether his innovations were justified attempts to modernize Judaism or evil abrogation of the Torah. The accounts in the Books of the Macabbees were, after all, written by people who opposed Jason adn the Helleniziers.

Finally, the folly of Jason not paying off Antiochus immediately becomes evident. He had to send an emissary to the king with the final payment. This emissary, one Menelaeus, brother of a crooked Temple official named Shimon, was a dirty double crosser if there ever was one. Mennie, off in Antioch away from Jason's control, cut a sperate deal with the king, offered a bigger bribe than Jason's, and induced the King to authorize Menelaeus to oust Jason and become the Kohen Gadol.

Now Mennie wasn't even a Kohen, but here he was in charge of the Temple. Naturally, he started despoiling the Temple to pay his bribe, an early example of the business model of "using other people's money," and killing Chanya, who protested the whole business. Jason, on the other hand, kept quiet, waiting for his time to strike back....

-to be continued..

Channukah -- Another media outlet gets it wrong

2005-12-22T11:34:00.000-05:00

From the San Antonio Express-News:

San Antonio Celebrates Jewish-Catholic Understanding

San Fernando Center hosts forth annual menorah lighting

Hanukkah is a continuing symbol of hope for the world, especially when Jews and Christians celebrate it together in mutual friendship and respect.

Well, yes, I think Christians would be interested in celebrating Hanukkah (or Channukah, or however you transliterate it), becuase if Antiohcus (not to mention Jason and Menalaeus) had been successful in turning the Jews in hellenistic pagans, then Jesus would have been a hellenistic pagan, and the Jewish sect of Christianity wouldn't have developed, and Constantine would have needed to find some other way to unify the Roman Empire, and whatwever might have happened, Europe would not have been Christian, nobodyt would have been Chisitan. So we can basically blame Judah Maccabbee for Christianity, not to mention Islam.

All snark aside, I'm glad Christians are acknowledging their Jewish neighors. It should be noted, however, that the Christians invlved are Roman Catholics, not Bible-thumping Protestiant fundamentalists.

But Ms. Rose Mary Budge, staff writer for the News-Express continues to propagate misconceptions about Hannukah. It's not her fault -- even many rabbis see fit to indctriate their flocks with these falsehoods.

Wednesday's event continued a tradition started in 2001 when Pope John Paul II formally recognized the Jewish holiday of religious freedom at the Vatican for the first time in the history of the Catholic Church.

. . .

Jerusalem's temple was restored in 165 B.C. after the Maccabees waged a guerrilla war against the Syrian Greeks. The latter had desecrated the temple and forced Jews to adopt pagan practices.

This is not true. This was a Jewish Civil War. And one faction of Jews was perfectly happy to voluntarily adopt pagan practices. The winners, the Jewish Taliban otherwise known as the Hasmoneans, themslves became Hellenized after a couple of generations, and became so corrupt that the Jews basically welcomed Roman rule as an improvement in their situation. The rabbis of the Talmud hated the Hasmoneans so much that the couldn't even stomach the concept of Hannukah without adding the mishugass about the 8-day miracle of the oil.

As for me, I like lighting candles and eating latkes, but then again, I choose .... Chanumas!

OK, where are you all?

2005-12-19T23:03:00.000-05:00

To paraphrase "Kinky:"

"While travlin' through the Lone Star Sate
I bought by lunch before I ate..."

Specifically, I was shopping for some groceries in the border town of Del Rio, Texas, in the local outlet of a regional suprmarket chaing called H-E-B (The "B." stands for "Butt," one can understand why this family-owned company doesn't do buiness by the family name.)

Now Del Rio, Texas is a small town of about 30,000 people, the vast majority (by my visual inspection) appear to be of Mexican Ancestry and, presumably, some form of Christian, if not Roman Catholic. Even if some of these people are crypto-Jewish descendents of Spanish conversos, any Jewish heritage is so attenuated it might as well be gone. And I didn't see any Jewish names on any of the stores or anything. So I strongly suspect that my presence in Del Rio raised the number of Jews, and certainly the number of Litvaks in the area by a very large percentage value. The closest synagogue I could find was in Laredo, which is at least a 2 hour drive away.

But when I went into the H-E-B, what did I find well-stocked on the shelves?

Lox
Vita Herring
H-E-B brand hot smoked salmon with a khaf-K hekhsher
Hebrew National hot dogs .. and knockwurst!
Matza
Telma felafel mix
yartzeit candles,

and, to wash it all down,

Kedem grape juice and
Maneschewitz wine

It seemed to me that a frum Jew could live in Del Rio and keep kosher with very litle problem.

The question I have is: Who buys this stuff? I can't imagine that H-E-B would stock it if it didn't sell. And somehow, I don't think the local Latino crypto-Jews, if there really are any in the area, would rush to buy this stuff, unless they had lived in New York at some point in their life and acquired a taste for it.

So, I would like to know: Would the Jews of the Rio Grande valley please stand up and identify yourselves?

You need a ticket and tie to zip your prayers on through

2005-12-18T21:48:00.000-05:00

Whew! Just got past the Border Patrol Checkpoint on US 90. What the hell right did that cop in the cowboy hat have to ask me whether I was a US citizen and make me show ID? I mean, I have a full beard, peyos, a black suit and a I wear a "gangster hat," as DovBear calls a fedora. And I speak very fluent Yeshivish. All the US Citizens I know are like that, though down here, everyone seems to have a Spanish surname and speaks something that's like a Spanish version of Yeshivish, they must all be Sefaradim.

Anyway, now that I didn't attract the attentions of the drug-sniffing doggie, my mind wanders back to the immortal lyrics of Kinky Friedman:

Well, I walked on in to my house of God
Congregation on the nod,
Just chosen folks are doin' their weekly thing.
Hear, o Israel, yes indeed,
My book was backwards, couldn’t read,
But I got a good rise when I heard that rabbi sing,
Boruch atoh Adonoi,
What the hell are you doing back there, boy ?

We reserve the right to refuse services to you,
Your friends are all on welfare
You call yourself a Jew ?
You need your ticket and your tie
To zip your prayers on through,
We reserve the right to refuse services ... unto... you.

With these lines, the Kinkster captures entirely why the Baby Boomers get alienated from the Jewish establishment. Too bad there weren't any granola-crunching chavurot in Texas back in the early 1970's. Though what I think America (and Conservative Judaism) really needs are shit-kicking granola-crunching chavurot. Are you reading this "Rabbi Jack?"

South Texas Musings

2005-12-18T21:09:00.000-05:00

My work recently took me down to south Texas. A fascinating place, I used to think that Israel was the Yiddische Texas, now I know that Texas is really the goyische Israel. I'll blog on that topic in a future post.

I pulled out of the rental car stall at the San ANtonio airport in my fancy new poseur shit-kicking Texas-sized SUV and slipped in a Kinky Friedman album. As I headed for Loop 410 west on Texas' "gift" to transportation engineering, the frontage road, the Kinkster's lyrics came in loud and clear over the Country-Western beat:

While traveling through the Lone Star State
I lost my lunch before I ate,
It happened in a pull-ahead café. {yahoo!}
I felt my bones begin to crunch
I saw my name on the "bidnessman’s" lunch
And the 'neck who owned the place stepped up to say:

Hey buddy, are you blind,
Say, partner, can’t you read the sign ?

[Chorus]
We reserve the right to refuse service to you,
Take your "bidness" back to Walgreen’s,
Have you tried your local zoo ?
You smell just like a "comminist,"
You come on through just like a Jew,
We reserve the right to refuse service to you.

All right! Now I'm in a Texan state of mind. And can you believe this guy is running for Governor of Texas?!! Well, as his campaign materials say, "Why the hell not?" Though personally, while I've got some admration for the guy, I think he's going to end up like a second-rate Jesse Ventura. Being an "independent" is a political cop-out. Better the Kinkster should have set his mind to leading the macho-shitkicker wing of the Democrats.

I fear four more years of Republican domination in the Lone Star State.

RabbiCops

2005-12-12T14:00:00.000-05:00

I wonder if Ah-nold will be cast in the starring role when they make the movie.

RabbiCops

Also called the "Latvia affair 2."

Apparently Israel has a curious practice of giving employees saalry increments solely on the basis of the possession of an academic degree. Here we have a case of the rabbinate giving out bogus rabbinical degrees to, of all people, police officers.

I can see it now: "Stop thief!! Or I'll make you listen to my sermons!"

or "Sir, with those malfunctioning winshield wipers, this vehicle is pasul, and it is 'not recommended' for religious Jews to ride in it."

We sometimes joke about the "kosher police" at shul, but this is gpoing a little too far.

Christmas at a megachurch: As empty as a Reform Temple on the second day of Shavu'os

2005-12-12T08:19:00.000-05:00

You all know the old joke:

"We're so religious at our Reform Temple that we're closed on the High Holidays!"

Well, sometimes Truth imitates Humor:

When Christmas falls on a Sunday, megachurches take the day off

Some of the nation's most prominent megachurches have decided not to hold worship services on the Sunday that coincides with Christmas Day, a move that is generating controversy among evangelical Christians at a time when many conservative groups are battling to "put the Christ back in Christmas."

. . .

The uproar is not only over closing the churches on Christmas Day, because some evangelical churches large and small have done that in recent years and made Christmas Eve the big draw, without attracting much criticism.

What some consider the deeper affront is in canceling services on a Sunday, [my emphasis: LForD] which most Christian churches consider the Lord's Day, when communal worship is an obligation. The last time Christmas fell on a Sunday was in 1994. Some of these same megachurches remained open them, they say, but found attendance sparse.

. . .

The real question is not why churches are skipping Christmas, but why individual Christians are skipping church on the second holiest day on the Christian calendar next to Easter, said Mr. Thumma.

"I think these critics who decry the megachurches should really be aiming their barbs at individual Christians who are willing to stay at home around the Christmas tree instead of coming and giving at least part of that day to the meaning of the holiday," he said. "They should be facing up to the reality of that."

Achtung!!! Deutschland Selling U-boats to the Juden!

2005-12-06T16:26:00.000-05:00

And they all say that the Euros are anti-Semitic becuase the have the same view of the Palestinian issue as Yossi Sarid.

Well, it looks like the nation that brought us the Shoah is about to sell advanced U-boats to Israel.

Germany To Sell Israel Advanced Subs
Move Comes As Allies Press Iran on Nukes
By MARC PERELMAN
November 25, 2005
As United States and European governments seek to turn up international pressure on Iran over its nuclear program, Germany has agreed to sell Israel two sophisticated submarines that could be equipped with nuclear devices.

The sale, decided by outgoing chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, was endorsed by his conservative successor, Angela Merkel, who took office this week. The two new Dolphin class submarines will cost $1.17 billion and Germany will cover one-third of the price tag, according to reports in the German magazines Der Spiegel and Focus.

Heh, heh, let the Iranians develop the Bomb. Lot of good it will do them.

Merry ..... Christmukah??!! No!! I choose "Chanumas!"

2005-12-05T16:10:00.000-05:00

Thanks to OrthoMom, who pointed out this gem:

To give multifaith families an opportunity to celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah, Loews Hotels will add a "Christmukah" menu in the restaurants of the Regency in New York, Loews Santa Monica Beach Hotel in California, and Loews Miami Beach Hotel during the last two weeks of December.

Among the selections: Shalom Santagria, made with Manischevitz wine; Christmukah Cheer, a mint cocktail with a hint of chocolate from Israeli Sabra liquor and hot cocoa with Star of David gingerbread cookies.

Baa...aaar...fff. And that's just for the drink recipes. Sangria with Maneschewitz kiddush wine? The least they could do is make it with the good stuff... Kedem Cream Concord.

But theologically, they are full of it. "Cristmukah??!!" Bah! Humbug! Anyone who goes around saying "Merry Christmukah" should be "boiled in his own matzaballs and buried with a stake of Challah through his heart."

"Christmukah" is not a true observance, it's nothing more than a commerical marketing scheme. Fior those who want true religious syncretism, I present for your consideration a new Winter Solistice holiday: Chanumas.

Observance of this holiday season starts on erev Thanksgiving, when the Head of the Household (the sages say that all who are bar or bat mitzvah) wtites a ritual letter to the President of the United States offering to pay down the National Debt in return for being made Chief Rabbi of Israel. This is in memory of the High Priests Jason and Menaleus, who actually pulled the same stunt with King Antiochus IV, and thus set in motion the events that led up to Channukah. [Of course, it is forbidden to actually mail this letter, unless, of course, you want to be included on the U.S. Secret Service's "nutcase list."]

The day after Thangkgiving is called "Black Friday," named in honor of the holy frum ("black-hatter") Jews who are inconvienced in their Shabbos shopping by the increased traffic.

From this point until 10 days after the Winter Solistice, it is considered meritorious to buy things you don't need and give them to people you don't like. It is also considered equally meritorious to return unwanted gifts to the store. This is a mitzvah, as it provides gainful employment to store clerks and inmates of the Chinese penal system, who manufactured the gifts in the first place. It is obligatory for Jews to only buy items at discounted price. This requirement is optional for Gentiles.

Truly frum observance of Chanumas involves lighted displays on the house in the front and back yards. It is considered meritorious to leave one's sukkah standing through Chanumas, so one can reuse the lights without having to put them out twice. It is said that Rabbi Menachem Mistletoe had a particularly compelling display, which consisted a a statue of a Maccabean warrior with his foot on the chest of a prostrate Antiochus, about to plunge his sword through the villain's heart, and an inscription in blinking LED lights: "Peace on Earth: because we won!!"

An important aspect of Chanumas is that, even though one is required to be at his or her normal place of employement during the season, it is forbidden that any real work actually get done. The normal minhag is for each department to hold Chanumas parties that are essentially potluck lunches that last until quitting time. Some organizations hold additional Chanumas parties off-hours at offsite locations, but Beis Hillel says this is nothing more than a cheap attempt to avoid legal liability for the actions of inebriated guests. Beis Shammai says this proves that what America needs is tort reform and to send the trial lawyers to Siberia.

Because dairy foods and alcohol are traditional for Chanukkah (in commemoration of the Jewish woman of valor who fed the Greek general cheesecake and wine, got him drunk, and chopped off his head), and becuase eggnog (an alcoholic dairy beverage) is traditional for Christmas, it is obligatory for all who celebrate Chanumas properly to drink eggnogg until they cannot tell the difference between Judah Maccabee and Santa Claus.

Chanumas gifts are not delivered by Santa Claus, "Harry Channukah," "Father Mattithias," or any other individual associated with either Channukah or Christmas. Rather they are delivered by Mr. Ten Li Chao, who runs the gift workshops of the Chinese Prison System. Mr. Chao rides around the world in a flying container ship powered by large marine diesel engines, lands on everyones roof, picks the lock on the fornt door, and spreads the gifts out. Little girls and boys who are nice get a free copy of Chairman Mao's "Little Red Book," children who are naughty get a chance to work as one of Mr. Chao's "elves."

The gits themselve are placed under the Chanumas bush. This is not a piece of shrubbery, rather it is a life size effigy of President George W. Bush. It is considered meritorious, but optional, depending on political affiliation, to decorate the Chanumas bush by inserting voodoo pins into the effigy.

As for December 25, the actual day of Chanumas, there are very few fixed observances. Many like to serve a festive meal of roast goose, latkes, plum pudding, and a green vegetable. However, the truly pious will eat out at a Chinese restaurant in commemoration of Mr. Ten Li Chao and go to a movie theatre and watch a movie.

Manufactured outrage -- the "War on Christmas: A view from an unlikely source

2005-12-01T23:36:00.000-05:00

UPDATE: 12/4/2005:

I Went back to Wal-Mart, and the Spanish Equivalent of "Home for the Holidays" is "Navidad en Familia,"

Now, I'm not a Spanish scholar, but even to my untrained eye, not only does it explicity use the term "Christmas," it has a different meaning than the English version.

This is, indeed, an interesting phenomen, and it might be worth investigatine why Wal-Marts marketing department believes that Anglos and Latinos need different messages. Of course, one of the problems with this in South Texas is that the Latinos are really Tejanos who have been living in Texas for generations and are totally bilingual. In fact, I heard lots of people switch back and forth between English and Spanish, apparently at random. This is even more impressive than Yeshivish, which is basically English larded (you should pardon the dxpressionj) with Yiddish and Hebrew phrases.

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Dov Bear has been haken a tsheinik over the right-wing's manufactured outrage at the so-called "War on Christmas." And he is correct to mock the nonsense being spouted in an rather pathetic attempt by the right-wing commentators to divert attention from their spectacular failures in their understanding of the reality-based world. Though I do have to say that I enjoy the winter solistice holiday season -- It's the only real holiday season for Jews, because on Jewish holidays, there's just so much work that needs to be done to observe them properly. With Christmas on the other hand, I get a well-deserved rest, even if I have to go into work on that day. And for a whole months, things just sort of slow down.

But I post now to provide some more insight on this phenomenon from a part of our great land usually ignored by the bi-coastal elites. My job recently took me to South Texas, where I received an introducion to a multicultural America that I had head about, but never experienced. The money shot occured when I needed some 1-hour photo processing, and I entered my very first bilingual Wal-Mart. The signs were in both English and Spanish, and the English signs used Wal-Mart's "multicultural" marketing slgan "Home for the Holidays."

"Aha!" the right-wingers would say, "Another example of how the evil liberal Jews are trying to destroy our Christian culture!" But then you notice the Spanish version. Unfortunately, I don't speak Spanish, but I did notice the word "Navidad." Even I now that means "Christmas."

So I learned 2 things in South Texas:

1) People marketing to Tejanos (Texans of Mexican descent) have no problem with Christmas, and
2) The Jews have nothing to do with to do with the way Christmas is marketed.

In the counties I visited, you could probably count the available Jews with the fingers of one hand. In fact, I went out to the paking lot of that particula Wal-Mart to call home, and I believe that, for the first time in the history of the world, the words "leyn Torah" were uttered at that particular location.

It's so obvious. The people in this goyische locale, the vast majority of whom are fervent frum Christians are by no means deprived of their religious heritage. They are equally at ease with multicultural sensitivity as well as celebraing their yuntiff in public with no self-concioussness or embarassment. And they are very tolerant of other faiths, as they made no attempt to beat up a Jewboy who uttered Yiddish words in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

Clearly, the right wingnuts who are spouting this nonsense have no conception of the Real America.

I do have to say, though, the best thing about Texas is the way they cook brisket.

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Yitzhak, I Vass only following ordersss!

2005-11-18T13:35:00.000-05:00

I believe this week's (or maybe it was last week's, I've been on the road) parhsa contains the story of the Akedah, one of the most disturbing stories in the whole Tanakh, and one, in my opinion, without any redeeming value. Why was it included? Waht were the authors of the Bible trying to say by writing such a tale?

My attention was caught during Rish Hashanna, when I had occasion to read the commentary on the subject contained in the High Holiday Prayer Book translated and edited by Morris Silverman. This is the original "Conservative Mahkzor" that so many of us grew up with. For years, I had read this commentary, but this year, it suddenly leaped out of the page and punched me in the face:

The sounding of the shofar .. is a reminder of that implicit obedience to God which was revealed by Abraham and Isaac. The theme of the Akedah ... was intended to arouse God's compassion for Isaac's descendants and to inspire us to deeds of sacrifice. Religion consists of those aspirations for which we are ready to sacrifice comfort, position, and even safety. We do not truly live our ideals unless we are ready, if necessary to die for them.

And what noble aspirations was Abraham willing to sacrifice for? What ideas should we die for? Rabbi Silverman also does not elucidate. He goes on with a whole paragraph about how this story shows that Judaism abhors human sacrifice, and then concludes with a praise of the concept of martyrdom:

There is not a single noble cause, movement, or acheivment that does not call for great sacrifice and martyrdon. [!] Liberty, science, truth, -- all have exacted their toll of heroes. The people of Israel have been the very symbol of martyrdom on behalf of freedom, justice, and truth.

If that's the case, this whole exercise was really a test of Isaac, not Abraham.

As for Abraham, the only "noble" ideal here being tested is that of obedience, not "liberty," "freedom," "science," or even "truth." Now obedience is sometimes a useful quality and may be needed on oaccasion in order for people to accomplish things, but I believe that it always need to be offered conditionally. All authority to demand obedience is contigent, even, as far as I'm concerned, that of God. Even an organizaton like the U.S. Army requires soldiers to disobey their superiors if issued an illegal order.

Abraham was tested and shown that he was willing to commit an act that God, presumably finds abhorrent. And then God blesses him for it!

It shows that not only did Abraham fail the test, but so did God.

And Rabbi Silverman was clueless about its meaning. This is especially true becuase Silverman wrote his notes in 1939, a period when the folly of considering obedience a virtue was manifestly evident:

"Ve vere only following ordersss, after all..."

The real problem with the Conservative movement

2005-11-15T21:55:00.000-05:00

May not be its ideological basis, but rather in the sociology of its organization.

In response to my crack at "rabbi" Jack Wethieber at JTS, who thinks that Conservative Jews need to become fundamentalist sheep if they expect to preserve Conservative Judaism, Ben Sorer Moreh Makes the follwoing comment:

As an ex-Ortho, I see the liberal movements' inability to remain relevant or (perceptibly) accessible to a larger population to be a serious challenge to their future. The Os, to their "credit" have a sense of mission. Chabad sees a (existing or emerging) community where there are some Jews (e.g., North Williamsburg or Hoboken) and decides that they're gonna weave themselves into the fabric, make themselves visible, relevant and (raise enough funds elsewhere to be) affordable. The liberal movements take years to build expensive synagogue centers (Meir Kahane called them "mausoleums") for "themselves." Now that all sorts of people (Jews included) are buying homes in Harlem, wanna bet who's gonna be first to open the "next" shul there?

I think Ben's money quote is toward the end whe he talks about the expensive synagogues. I know some folks who have a C shul with 100 families that they run on a budget of less than $200,000 a year. Rented space, part-time rabbi, members do all the work, including leading most of the service. They get a crowd 50-100 almost every Shabbos, higher than average shabbos and kashrus observance than most C shuls, and one friend who goes there, who, alas, recently lost a family member, was astounded that they had no trouble rounding up a shiva minyan for him.

He also says that the lcoal USCJ office doesn't know what to do with a congregation like them and is alwys trying to get them to expand, start a building fund and a religious school and become another "typical" C-nagogue. But why should they? They are providing the religious life their members need at a fraction of the cost of a conventional syangogue. Dues are still <$1,000 per family (lower for individual members), and non-members can buy High Holiday tickets for <$100. A Conservative community with 10 C-nagogues like that one would be 10 times more vital than one with a single 1,000 family monstrosity, in which the shul management has to suck up to the big donors just to raise enough money to maintain the property. Of course, with such smaller shuls, it would be harder for the C rabbis to get their 6-figure salaries.

As for Jewish education, the community would do fine with independent Jewish schools that would have combined day school and afternoon school programs. It might ensure higher quality teachers for the supplementary schoo, becuase a community school would be a larger school with more resoruces. Let the large donors contribute to the schools, rather than to congregations. In fact, the little liberal "shtieblach" could rent space in the school buildings.

Ben is right. C needs to reach out to the unafilliated, and do so in a way that doesn't require the unafilliated to start having to spend a lot of money to be part of a Jewish community.

Toby Katz is at it again

2005-11-14T22:50:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Dov Bear, we are able to again feature the works of LForD special guest commentator, Ms. Toby Katz, today talking about tortured "feminist" collecge professors with an agenda:

Ms Katz is answering the alleged questions of a college student:

"We are studying “texts of terror” which outlines women who were mistreated in the Torah.

4 females we came across were Hagar, Tamar, Levite’s Concubine, and Jepthah’s daughter. I would like to know—if Judaism is one of the most “accepting” and “pro female/equality” religion why there are stories about women being brutally raped, or thrown to be ‘known’ as is said in the Torah as sacrifices by fathers, and spouses?"

Ms. Katz then goes on the answer the question regarding Hagar by regurgitating Rashi's spin; that Hagar deserved what she got, and Sarah was blameless. (Totally ignoring, as one of the commentors points out that the Ramban, another traditional Torah commentator, criticizes Sarah's behavior quite severely and suggests that becuase of the way Sarah treated the Egyptian Hagar, Sarah's descendants were destined to become slaves in Egypt.)

However, not only did Ms. Katz fail to discuss the other 3 women mentioned by the alleged letter writer, she failed to even mention a 5th female mentioned in the Tanakh and ignored by the alleged "lady college professor."

I am, of course, referring to Bilaam's Ass.

Hmm, on second thought, perhaps some feminist college prof isn't going to use such terminology to refer to a female human, but the "ass," I'm referring to is of the equine variety, that is, an ass of a donkey sort. Now our rabbi taught us that the mesorah teaches us that the reason why Bilaam owned a female donkey was because, well, Bilaam was a bit of a pervert, and used the donkey in a manner that cannot be described on a family blog. I regret to say that our rabbi didn't give us chapter and verse of the source of that little gem. Those sorts of rabbinical comments are part of the reason why I still attend services, despite my growing apikorsus.

But Ms. Katz, could, indeed answer a question about that incident quite well, as it involves the usual traditional Jewish demonization of goyish religious leaders (unless they're right-wing King James Bible-thimping Calvinist Christians). (Frankly, I think the whole Bilaam story is bogus -- Why doesn't God just let Bilaam curse Israel until he's blue in the face, and then when nothing happens to Israel, this is proof that goyish religion is false?)

However, a little later in the comments sections, methinks Ms. Katz's real agenda is somewhere besides explaining traditional Jewish interpretations of the Torah text:

Anyone who majored in English or history before circa 1980 has no idea—literally, no idea—how bad things have become, how tendentious and politicized the teaching of the liberal arts has become in the typical American university.

Goodness me, Ms. Katz has an axe to grind! Surprise, surprise. It's those evil feminazi liberal arts secular humanist college professors, especially the "lady" professors who are distorting the Bible. Frankly, I don't buy it. I don't doubt that there are a few off-the-wall feminists and post-modernists out there, but I don't think that the off-the-wall stuff is typical. I have a kid in college, she shows me her lessons. Believe me, the stuff in her literature classes is no different than the BS I had to endure in my pre-1980 University experience, and history is taught in a "scientific manner," which means that traditional Jewish midrash, having no basis in reality, is not generally covered.

In fact, I wonder if Ms. Katz is actually answering a real letter from a real student, or whether the whole exercise was a straw-man, in a manner similar to the source of the letters in the Penthouse Forum. (Alert! Link has adult content.)

In other words, she's not defending the honor of the Torah, she's using it to beat on feminist "lady college professors."

The source of all Evil -- A surprise ..or not?

2005-11-14T21:48:00.000-05:00

(Based on a d'var Torah for Parshat Bereishit, a description of which I heard second or third hand.)

God tells the man: eat the fruit and die!

http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/gen/2.html

2:16 And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
2:17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

A little later:

3:6 And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. "And he did eat."

3:7 And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.

As the SAB points out, in 2:17, God tells Adam that if he eats the fruit, he will die. But Adam eats the fruit, and he doesn't die, he lives another 900+ years.

So it seems that the "original Sin" was not Adam and Eve eating the fruit, it was God's lie to them.

In fact, if God can't even follow His own commandments ("Thou shalt not bear false witness") then why should we?

2:16 And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
2:17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.