Monday, September 12, 2005

The Holy Bible (Old Testament) -- An Abstract -- Part 1

As a Public service, I hereby present this summary of the Hebrew Scriptures, otherwise known as "Tanakh" to the Jews and "Old Testament" to the Christians.

I read the Bible, so you don't have to.

The bsic gist of this work is that a Deity, variously called YHVH (an unpronounceable collection of Hebrew letters) or "Elohim" (pretty weird to use a plural form for a God who insists that there's only One), for some unexplained reason, starts creating a unverse, culminating with a creature vcalled a "Human" created in the Deity's image. Which isn't very helpful, because the Deity isn't described very well.

Anyway, as the story develops, we do find out more about the Deity (whom we shall refer to as "God"). For one thing, if humans are created in God's image, we soon find out that from their behavior that God is (1) likes to make direstions more difficult than they need to be, and (2) is incapbale of follwing those directions. This comes from the first woman, who, in the garden, makes the world's first chumrah ("yessir, snakee, not only did God tell us we couldn't eat this fruit, he told us we couldn't even touch it!"), and then goes ahead and eats the fruit anyway.

From this inauspicious beginning, we get the first murder, and then the human race goes downhill from there to the point that God decides to kill everybody. (I don't want to invoke Goodwin's Law, but I wonder who else had a similar idea? We'll, "created in God's image," I guess.)

However even after saving the only righteous man of his generation (who then proceeds to get drunk), God ends up being totally pissed, because humans, in the end, abandon worshipping God in favor of worshipping idols.

So finally one nutcase (who just happened to be Jewish, wouldn't you know) decides to worship God. God is so overwhelmed that finally he's got a follower that he decides that this guy's descendants should have an unconditional covenant with the Divine. Now, given this history that transpired, I don't know why God bothered doing this. God, becing omniscient, would easily see all the mishigass that this nutcase's descendants would do, stuff that should obviously disqualify them from any sort of covenant, even with Bilaam's Ass. But, who knows the ways of God? After all, humans are created in God's image, and we all know what they are like.

Anyway, to make a long story short, Abraham's (that's Mesopotamian for "nutcase") descendants end up as slaves in Egypt, and God futzes around for a couple hundred years before He gets around to freeing them, the process of which condemns the Jews to have to eat matzah for 7 days a year for all eternity.

Not that the Israelites (that's Egyptians for "ungrateful clueless wretches") are such a great bargain for God. Despite the fact that these people personally see God trash the greratest empire the world has known, free them from slavery, and guide and feed them in a barren wilderness, these bozos are still incapable of following directions. "Thou shalt not make any graven images," and what's the first thing they do when the boss goes on vacation? Right. They make a graven image.

This mishugass goes on for 40 years, you would think that God might get the message and choose some other people, but then maybe they'ree all no good, after all they're all created in the image of a God who can't follow directions. But despite that, God decides to allow the Israelites to disposses the people living in Canaan and commit war crimes on them, after a practice session with the Midianites.

But it doesn't end. Two Israelite spies go into the Land to spy it out before the divine conquest, and where do they go, despite having heard all of the Torah, oral and written, including the Shulchan aruch and all of the statements by various rabbis concerning Nossom Slifkin" These guys who have personally heard the word of God, end up in a whorehouse!

And with that note, we end part 1, "The Torah."

Stay tuned for Part 2, or "Why I am not a Zionist," coming soon to a heretical web site near you.

8 Comments:

Blogger Zoe Strickman said...

Cute rendition, but I couldn't figure out why you wrote it. -Zoe

4:08 AM  
Blogger Conservative Apikoris said...

I wrote it as a public service, so that people who might not know what the Bible is about cand find out without having tot actually read it.

3:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For real apikorsus take a look at http://www.gardenofepicurus.com

7:02 AM  
Blogger doer said...

Hello, just visited your bible blog, I also have a bible related website, it's about some books which is helpful to understand the God's Words

8:47 PM  
Blogger ninest123 said...

tiffany and co, louboutin, michael kors, burberry, christian louboutin outlet, ugg boots, louboutin pas cher, ralph lauren pas cher, ugg boots, uggs on sale, polo ralph lauren outlet, longchamp outlet, louis vuitton outlet, chanel handbags, louis vuitton, oakley sunglasses, kate spade outlet, louboutin shoes, tory burch outlet, oakley sunglasses, cheap oakley sunglasses, louis vuitton, nike free, prada outlet, louis vuitton outlet, gucci outlet, longchamp pas cher, jordan shoes, oakley sunglasses, sac longchamp, air max, oakley sunglasses, polo ralph lauren outlet, nike free, nike air max, longchamp, louboutin outlet, longchamp outlet, ray ban sunglasses, ray ban sunglasses, nike air max, prada handbags, nike roshe run, replica watches, replica watches, air jordan pas cher, tiffany jewelry, louis vuitton, nike outlet, ray ban sunglasses

9:35 PM  
Blogger ninest123 said...

north face, nike free run uk, air force, michael kors outlet, hogan, nike blazer, burberry, michael kors outlet, true religion jeans, nike air max, converse pas cher, hermes, nike air max, kate spade handbags, mulberry, coach purses, vans pas cher, tn pas cher, north face, true religion jeans, lululemon, michael kors outlet, sac guess, burberry outlet online, nike roshe, true religion outlet, new balance pas cher, timberland, oakley pas cher, michael kors, michael kors, vanessa bruno, coach outlet, hollister, replica handbags, hollister pas cher, ray ban pas cher, ray ban uk, coach outlet, ugg boots, true religion jeans, abercrombie and fitch, nike air max, michael kors, michael kors, michael kors outlet, ralph lauren uk, lacoste pas cher, michael kors outlet, ugg boots

9:38 PM  
Blogger ninest123 said...

nike roshe, reebok shoes, north face outlet, nfl jerseys, timberland boots, mont blanc, asics running shoes, iphone 5s cases, insanity workout, ghd, beats by dre, babyliss, mac cosmetics, valentino shoes, wedding dresses, iphone 6s cases, iphone 6 cases, nike trainers, celine handbags, iphone 6 plus cases, longchamp, abercrombie and fitch, ferragamo shoes, birkin bag, iphone 6s plus cases, soccer jerseys, nike air max, oakley, bottega veneta, lululemon, chi flat iron, s5 cases, jimmy choo shoes, nike huarache, hollister, vans shoes, ipad cases, north face outlet, giuseppe zanotti, mcm handbags, nike air max, iphone cases, herve leger, hollister, instyler, new balance, louboutin, soccer shoes, p90x workout, baseball bats, hollister, ralph lauren

9:40 PM  
Blogger ninest123 said...

juicy couture outlet, louis vuitton, pandora charms, hollister, moncler, doudoune canada goose, pandora charms, marc jacobs, replica watches, barbour jackets, moncler, canada goose uk, barbour, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, louis vuitton, juicy couture outlet, canada goose, montre pas cher, swarovski, canada goose outlet, ugg pas cher, converse outlet, canada goose, canada goose outlet, pandora jewelry, karen millen, louis vuitton, ugg boots uk, moncler, moncler, swarovski crystal, lancel, thomas sabo, moncler, links of london, ray ban, louis vuitton, sac louis vuitton pas cher, vans, gucci, wedding dresses, coach outlet, canada goose, canada goose, bottes ugg, moncler, converse, pandora jewelry, moncler outlet, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, toms shoes, moncler, supra shoes

9:44 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home