I transform Rev. Billy Graham into Rabbi Binyomin Grahamofsky

I really enjoy travelling to Texas. Where else can you find an advice column by the Rev. Billy Graham in the major daily newspapers? Now, as a Jew, I always thought that Rev. Graham had little to say to me (except for his antisemitic slurs in private to President Nixon in 1972, but he aplogized for that), but after reading his columns, I now realize that this guy really has a yiddeshe neshoma (Jewish soul), and with only the smallest amount of editing, his columns wouldbe suitable for inclusion tinto even the most frum Orthodox Jewish newspapers.

Here is an example:

Dear Rabbi Grahamofsky:

Q: Our neighbors love to go gambling on weekends eat out a treif restaurants (we have some casinos really good rib joints and crab houses nearby), and they keep inviting us to go with them. As Christians> erlicher frum yidden, we have moral objections to gambling eating treif food, but how can we explain this to them without sounding self-righteous? Or should we go with them occasionally? - T.G.

A: What would you accomplish by accepting their invitation? Yes, you might avoid the embarrassment of turning them down all the time - but that would be all. The Bible sets a high standard for God's people: "Avoid every kind of evil" (1 Thessalonians 5:22) "God said to Moses, 'How long shall this nation continue to provoke Me? .... I will kill them with a plague and annihilate them. Then I will make you into a greater, more powerful nation then they." (Numbers 14:11-12; "The inclination of man's heart is evil from his youth." (Gen. 8:21)

Instead, ask yourself what God Hashem wants to accomplish in their lives, and how He might use you to help them. From what you say elsewhere in your letter, they apparently have no interest in God or the church, frumkeit and their only desire is to live for the moment. But God Hashem loves them, and He doesn't want them to keep living such empty and meaningless lives. God loves them so much that He sent His only Son into the world to die for their sins and bring them into His family forever gave them a Jewish mother to instill in them a sense of Jewish guilt so that they could live thier lives in neurotic obsessive-compulsive angnst forever.

Ask God Hashem to help you see your neighbors through His eyes, and to have the same love for them that He does. Then ask Him to help you be a witness to them of Christ's love and concern. Then pray to Hashem that He may strengthen you in your task of laying on a good Jewish guilt trip on these apikorsim. Let them know you appreciate their invitation, but tell them honestly that this is not the kind of entertainment you wish to pursue trief food is disgusting shmutz, that they are endangering their share in olam haba by eating such dreck, and that every crabcake and pork spare-rib they consume will help ensure that thier children will end up marrying goyim and becomming followers of the Rev. Billy Graham. It's also OK to call them kofrim, and apikorsim to their face and learn with them the halachos that apply to kofrim and apikorsim.

Then pray for them, and ask God to help you be their friends - without compromising your commitment to Christ frumkeit. And as God gives you opportunity, share with them the good news of Christ's forgiveness and new life some shabbos kugel, which has special spiritual powers to turn even the most hardened apikoris into a right wing Orthodox black-hatter.